Typical (and terrible) Advice
September 6, 2008
There are SO MANY guys out there who just have no clue about women. Unfortunately, many of them have blogs.
A little backstory: my friend David, who goes by the pseudonym “Asian Rake” (yep, he’s Asian), is getting some major press in Singapore tomorrow. I’ve been helping him redesign his website, and in the process, I took to looking for other Asian dating/pickup bloggers. During my search, I found a website that had some advice on what to do when a woman tries to push a scheduled date back by a few hours and bring her friend along (which is, admittedly, a foul on the play):
Stop being f*cking nice. Stop giving a shit about what the other person has going on because she doesn’t give a shit about you. She doesn’t care that you wasted your entire day sitting around. Or that you went out of your way to make plans. If anything, she’ll just think you’re weak.
Don’t be weak. Take away the girl’s power from the start.
Geez, where to start? Well, I guess this type of advice appeals to guys who have been hurt by women and are angry or resentful. That’s been all of us at some point. There is a question of “technique” - what to do when a woman flakes on you - but there’s also the very important issue of a guy’s emotional health and his ability to deal with uncertainty in his life.
So the first thing we’re told about how to deal with this is as follows:
To really not be needy, date multiple girls, sleep with multiple girls until you do meet someone that proves herself to be special and worthy. She doesn’t deserve your understanging yet, she doesn’t deserve for you to care. It f*cking sucks, I know. This happened to me today. And the only reason why I’m not even more emotionally damanged is because:
A. I have another girl that i’m dating going to the BBQ with me instead.
B. I had sex 4 times with a different girl last wednesday, and got a BJ last night. and
C. I’m using this as a learning experience.
Well, I’m not sure that there’s not some emotional damage somewhere in here. Looks kind of, uh, reactive to me. And if a guy’s strategy for dealing with the flakiness of women relies on having other women in rotation, well, that sounds like circular logic to me. Does it work? Kind of… but its not healthy. It is based on the idea of finding validation from the same source that is taking it away - women. Its an “easy out” (and Lord knows that more than a few women do it with the men in their life). But it comes from the wrong place.
So what should you do instead of complying with a woman’s request to push the date back?
If we could rewind to the original converstaion at noon. I would have told her:
“Your friend sounds really cool, I’d love to double date with her sometime, but we have plans sweetie, I’ll pick you up at three, make sure you’re home.”
And I would have just left it at that. None of this bullshit would have happened if I did. It’s just another reminder to never revert back to AFC, not even for a moment, not even for a small town girl that seems “different.”
Never be understanding, and f*ck being nice.
I’ve dealt with my share of flaky girls, and have certainly been in situations like this. And the correct answer about what to do is “it depends.” If a girl is going to pull something like this, it probably means that she’s just not as excited to see you as she was when she made plans. Forcing the date upon her isn’t going to change that.
So rather than being, you know, a domineering dick… which is something GUARANTEED to get her to cancel (and I know this from experience; this writer’s conjecture just isn’t accurate), you could do some other things. You could agree to it, them pre-emptively flake a few hours later in a very kind way if you’re really interested in “taking the power back.” You could be verrrrry sweet and tell her about all the great things you have planned. Or you could just say “hey tell you what, I’m sure your friend is great, but let’s reschedule some time,” then make your follow-up an invitation her to a party or some other social activity where there’s less one-on-one pressure.
The bigger issue here is that if the girl was actually excited to see a guy, she wouldn’t do something like this. It is *probably* a defense mechanism when a girl feels too much pressure - either about the place you’re going together (I’ve had girls do this when I’ve told them the date was some exclusive party or venue where there would be lots of social pressure) or about you and your expectations. Not every girl can be forced into sex after a few hours spent together. In fact some of them actually like to get to know the guy. Enjoy those girls - they’re the quality ones.
More important than the technique itself is what this advice says about a guy’s emotional health. I don’t mean to single out or pick on this writer; he may be good at picking up girls, which I guess is what he teaches. But I get annoyed when I see this kind of dating/relationship advice. Not only is it bad, its destructive. A lot of the men who are in this space are coming from a position of having been hurt, having been “wussies”, etc. In that headspace, a guy reads something like this and is like “yeah, I just have to put my foot down. F*ck these girls.”
A guy who really likes women - who likes everything about them - is going to have a much different strategy and vibe, and that will be loud and clear to her from the moment he meets her.
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5 Responses to “Typical (and terrible) Advice”
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Wow. That’s pretty stupid. It sounds to me like this guy definitely had his heart broken one time or another and still hasn’t gotten over it yet, seriously. Get a life.
In the words of Nick Sparks, I love women - I love everything about them. This guy seems to hold some kind of vendetta against them. Sure, he may be able to “have sex 4 times” in one day and then “get a BJ the night before”, but this guy is never going to actually find someone who he likes who will respect HIM unless he undergoes a serious attitude change.
What an insightful post!
A friend of mine once said that most sargers behaved like kids who had been denied some toys. The moment they are able to play with these toys, they play with them with mixed feelings of attraction and disdain. Yes, there are some people out there that want to use “seduction tools” to take revenge on women. And of course, most women being socially calibrated, they smell something strange (the incongruency) and react accordingly.
I was like this, once. And then a friend told me: “When you like women, women will like you”. So true.
Internalising all of this is the key that separates the cold, geeky pickup technician from the warm, human, social artist.
Regards,
Lobo Feroz
Great post, again, my man!
On the one hand, I can see where this guy is coming from. I do think that having an abundance of options can certainly help you in your mindset when just one girl flakes.
I also agree with him that he shouldn’t have let her keep postponing the meet to later that day.
It’s also unfortunate that he was led to conclude, “F-ck being nice.” I think, though, that his choice of words was hyperbolic.
On the other hand, you are absolutely right that the source of the problem was much earlier in the relationship.
And a better way of dealing with it is to simply postpone it yourself to another day rather than having to keep changing your plans that day to accommodate her. Find a mutually convenient time on a later date. And make contingency plans in case she flakes again.
Solid gold analysis, as usual, Christian!
Cheers from Singapore!
Christian, love your blog, I actually have to disagree with you somewhat. I think living in abundance and having other female options is not only healthy strategy, but it’s the best strategy for combating any emotional turmoil that arise from a flake. It effectively reduces reactivity, as you’re saying. You can easily love women and have plenty of options at the same time, as I’m sure you know.
I read Wolf’s post and I have to agree with Rake, I think he was writing right after the flake happened, so he was still pissed. Hyperbolic, as he says, but there’s still some core advice in there that’s useful. To be honest, I like reading “raw” blog posts like that, because it let’s me know that even an elite PUA is human, and he has feelings just like us regular guys when it comes to women.
What really turns me off are social artists who front like NOTHING elicits a reaction from them, which I think is total bullshit. We can armor ourselves against negative reactions and remain cool all the time, but the fact is we’re all human and we’re gonna get pissed when things don’t go our way. Wolf’s post was very personal and I appreciated him letting his guard down.
I think there is a happy medium that every male needs to find. The SS(social secrets) poster was too ‘hardcore’, with a bit too negative attitude, BUT his logic is correct.
You can drive a car 100MPH or 50MPH. If you drive 100MPH you get several things over driving 50MPH, a rush, less time, and you push the edge. Is that the correct thing to do? Is it fun? For him maybe. For me no.
Each person has to find what works for them at the point they are in life. Obviously the SS guy has a formula for getting what he wants(sex, conquests, feeling of power, etc.). Now move that point out 10-15 years where his goals are different. Will this same set of tactics work so that he meets his goals(assuming they have changed)? I doubt it.
I think everyone has to turn to a bit of an asshole so they can see where the line is, then back off.
The SS guy obviously hasn’t backed off.