But at this Orlando event, we were at the epicenter of group PUA-think. Its common in any social situation; there is a prevailing value system and social protocol, and people tend to try to fit within that. It happens with punk rockers, it happens with private equity guys, it happens with PUAs.
The thing is, a lot of the PUA group think is really counterproductive. Let me give you a few examples:
- there was a lot of focus amongst many of these guys on how many sets they'd opened, kind of a competition. We'd never discourage you from starting as many conversations as you like, but when someone thinks that they're making progress merely by "opening sets", they're missing the point. that's not where the progress is made - it is made when you -pay attention- to what is working and what isn't, learn how to calibrate, and improve your social skills accordingly.
- there was definitely a bit of a focus on being "different," whether that was with one's hair, hat, words, or socks. It was sort of like "who can stand out the most and still be cool." I appreciate a guy who is trying to stretch his identity - I did it in high school with a mohawk - but I'll tell you that I do better with women in -nice- clothes than I did in anything outlandish, ever. But then again, I go for girls who like nice clothes; club chicks in Vegas may be a different story.
- there was an insane focus on the "score" of the women they were approaching. One guy showed me a number he'd taken in his phonebook, and stored as "Sarah HB 9.6". I wasn't the only guy he was showing it to. And hey, if you want to call a girl an 8 or an 9 or a 10, that's fine... guys have been doing that since time immemorial. But no one is impressed until you're dating or sleeping with her. And even better if you can end whatever relationship you have with her on good terms. Bragging about the "10" whose number a guy takes smacks of proving oneself.
- lack of social calibration. David, Francis, Nick and I were sitting in a booth, with a young woman named Erika sitting at the end of the booth. One of the attendees came to join us, and literally pushed Erika's chair out of the way to make room for himself. We all looked at him funny - that's just a weird thing to do - and he conceded that he thought he was supposed to show "dominance." Yes... when the girl is sort of into you and when you want to escalate. But that was just lack of common courtesy. Wasn't the only such example, but it was a decent one.
- overgaming. it sucks when you run out of things to say. But what about when you have too much to say? Some guys learn routines and go on WAY too long. Others interrupt women early on in an attempt to "stack more value" with their own stories. Why? If the woman is talking and opening up to you, let her talk! It's less work and if you actually listen to her she'll appreciate it, want to open up more, then start asking questions about this great guy who has been listening to her talk about her life. One of the worst pieces of advice I've ever seen in this community is that you should interrupt women in order to stack more of your own stories.
Ok, what's the point of this email? Well, it's not to bash on the "community." We are attempting to build a little community at TSM, and I think that communities are awesome when the values of the community are healthy, and contribute to everyone's success.
In fact, as I'm watching the community-at-large evolve, I'm seeing a move towards more natural stuff, better attitudes towards women, etc.
But there are still some holdovers. And they're not just community attitudes, they're childish attitudes. They're how many men between the ages of 15 and 25 think. Its like being in a frat house. But In the pickup community, they're sort of formalized and given more weight than they deserve, owing to the nature of this
"let's get girls" goal.
Most fraternities come together to, well, get girls. But also to watch sports, play beer pong, go on outings, and do other social activities. These other activities are almost entirely absent from the pickup community, so the values and conversations often skew towards things like how many approaches a guy did last night.
I assure you that these are not the conversations that men are having who do well with women. Their values and goals are a little bit different, and might include things like:
- how far did they get last night?
- how did the date go?
- why they succeeded or failed
- the crazy things that the girl said or did
...and some men just don't kiss and tell at all.
You see, in all of these, there is a presupposition that the woman thing is handled, *at least enough that they don't have to prove it to other guys.*
And that last piece is exactly the difference that can make all the difference in the world. Is a guy in this to be popular amongst the guys? Or is he in it to get girls? (and when he becomes an instructor, is it for his love of teaching and helping others, or because he likes having people listen to him?)
Jay-Z once said "game recognize game, ho's do too." Jigga Man was right. A guy with good game, and generally good social skills, can tell when another guys is trying to prove himself.
Chances are that if he's trying to prove himself to another guy, he's doing it to women too. Exactly what many men got into this whole world to avoid.
Takeaways? Be yourself and set your own standards. No one is impressed by a man who can't get further than a number, or who dates a hot woman who makes him miserable.
And at the end of the day, what you experience with any woman is ultimately something for the two of you two enjoy together.
