Have you ever been played hard by a girl…? Today, let’s take a journey into the mind of a hot but deeply insecure girl to see what’s going on and how she games the men in her life.

The hot girl in question is a composite of three girls I’ve known, and we’ll call her Sarah. Every girl has a little bit of Sarah in them – this composite we’re drawing is simply the most extreme iteration of it. Here’s the backstory, taken from my experiences with the three girls.

Sarah is a smart girl – far more intelligent than she initially appears. She plays the role of ditzy little girl with aplomb, and half of my friends still refuse to believe that her IQ could possibly break the triple digit barrier. But when it comes to men, she knows exactly what she’s doing. I’ve seen her destroy several guys (myself included), and I watch her keeping a steady flow of prospects in the pipeline. The guys she dates are good looking, successful, and usually, they fall hard.

I believe that deep down Sarah is also a good girl who wants to find a deeper happiness than her life today gives her, but as it stands, I’d hate for one of my friends to get caught up with a girl like her. And should you ever find yourself in a situation with a Sarah of your own, its only fair that you understand exactly what’s going on. Personally, I’ve dated two girls like her before, and was in a wickedly hurtful relationship with one of them. Let’s see if we can get into Sarah’s head.

The first thing you have to know about her existence is that it is fairly shallow. Moment to moment, she seeks constant emotional and physical stimulation in the form of drugs, sex, cigarettes, text flirting with guys, etc. And unlike most of us, she’s able to get away with this because, well, she’s a hot girl in New York City who knows how to play the game.

Sarah also likes to party. She’s out two to four nights a weeks, sometimes hitting multiple clubs at once, and she’s always at the best and hottest new club. Promoters love her because she rarely brings guys along, and has a great personality; fun, ditzy, playful, giggly – everything you want in a girl when you’re out at a club.

But when she meets a guy in whom she’s interested, her demeanor changes instantly. First, her voice softens up to something akin to a baby’s cooing and her eyes become doe-like. The innocence comes across as capitulation, and flips a big switch in a man – his desire to take care of a woman.

But she also knows how to turn on the sexy… with a narrowing of the eyes, a crossing of the legs, a little bite of the lip – and she’s attractive enough that few men are going to turn her down. I’ve watched her do it to four randoms in clubs, as well as a friend of mine just to prove to me that she could.

This 1-2-3 combo results in paralyzing crushes. Fun wild social girl to fawning little bunny to sexual mistress.

She goes after bankers and traders whenever possible. It is important for her ego that the men she’s dating have certain qualifications.

And as she starts dating a man, she’s full of push-pull. One morning she’s in his kitchen, wearing his oxford shirt and cooking breakfast for him. She tells him she’ll see him later that night, then flakes out and heads to Kiss and Fly with me where we’ll dance the night away.

The guy starts texting her… “Baby, where are you?” The next morning, she meekly apologizes, shows up for sex, and pulls the guy deeper into thinking that if he tries just a *little* bit harder, she’ll change for him.

And this is the genius – mad or otherwise – in how she handles a man. She is incredibly compliant and giving when she’s with him, to the point he thinks he “has her”. She is very emotional and “falls in love” quickly; temporary as it may be, the guy starts to believe it too. Her emotions are like a hurricane: as soon as they comes, they can also be gone.

And a guy wants to believe that he’s going to be the one who tames her, that she’ll be his domestic Debbie. Then, once she’s felt that the guy has invested enough into her (and critically, ONLY then) she’ll disappear.

And here’s the funny part – it works best on the guys with huge egos. The most successful, the best-looking, the ones who eat women for breakfast. She’s sexy enough that she can make them work hard to get her – fancy meals, tables and bottles, whatever she wants, really – and once they’ve invested enough and then “won”, it becomes part of their ego that they’re dating the girl who everyone else wants but who no one can have. The moment she pulls away, that massive ego begins to lurch. I’ve watch guys cancel travel plans, leave work early, and go into debt trying to pull this girl back into their world.

Does this lead to good relationships? Absolutely not. It results in fights, guys showing up at her house (and mine) yelling in the street for her, and lots of bad feelings. But it works for her for two reasons.

First, all the drama is essentially emotional stimulation. Whether she’s feeling really good and excited about a guy, or whether he’s blowing up her berry with pleas and grievances, it is making her life interesting.

Secondly, while she is an intelligent girl, she has some *very* deep issues. Insecurities she’s not comfortable sharing with a guy with whom she’s romantically involved. She knows (instinctively) that if she truly opens herself up in that way, she’s putting herself in a position to be hurt. And she’s so insecure about who she really is that she’s just not going to let a guy who’s fucking her have that kind of power over her.

What’s the lesson here for us guys?

Well, most importantly, do your homework and follow your instincts. A key concept in attraction is investment: the more you invest in something, the more of an emotional attachment you develop for it. And falling in love with Sarah is kind of like buying stock in a promising but volatile tech company – if it is a hot thing that is poised to take off and generate massive returns, you might get emotionally invested, and fail to get out when you should. Every now the company puts out a press release with incredibly good news, but since you’ve never met the management team, you don’t know if its accurate. And believe me, if a man is dealing with Sarah on a superficial or ego basis, he definitely hasn’t met management.

Perhaps you stated dating a girl and had people who knew her tell you to “watch out for her,” but you’ve defended her and said “no, I know her in a way that other people don’t,” or something else like that. Well, management is hidden away in the board room and letting the PR and customer service people do the talking, and you bought into the lines they’re feeding you.

What else? Don’t let your ego get caught up in determining whether she’d be a good girl for you. It is not your job to be her Dad, brother or burly protector. Sarah has great people in her life who are looking out for her, and just because you’re fucking her doesn’t mean its your responsibility to save her. Yes, if she sees your interest waning, she’ll work hard to get it back. But if you’re getting any signs that your girl is half-heartedly committed, that her insecurities and/or abilities with men are driving her to seek constant stimulation, then you just have to keep your eyes open. One day, when she’s had enough partying, she’ll find a solid man and latch on tight, and there will be no doubt in his mind (or hers) that she’s in it to win it. But until then, if there’s smoke, there’s probably fire.

The things that drive Sarah are present in everyone’s head. When you’re looking for a girlfriend, its important to be able to see her for who she really is. I’ve been in relationships with girls who I thought were loving, honest people. Something went wrong, then all of a sudden I’m seeing parts of Sarah come out. The girl is pushing me, pulling me, and I’m telling myself “wait, this isn’t who she is! She’s the girl I was dating a few months ago… I just need to bring that back out of her.” Problem is, because her perception of me and the role that I play in her life changed, the person who she is when she’s dating me changed too.

Lessons learned. And hey – if you know yourself and who you are, you know what you’ll accept, what you won’t, and you’ll be able to attract women and give yourself fully and in love when the right girl comes along.