How to Become Calibrated

October 6, 2008

Last week I wrote about creepy pickup guy. He sees every woman as a target and he’s always trying to seduce them. You might make fun of the guy by asking a group “does this guy have an off button?”

I should have clarified, though. That guy is overconfident creepy pickup guy.

There are plenty of overconfident guys out there. They learn an opinion opener or two and take that knowledge as liberty to be too aggressive with women. They’re completely uncalibrated. They believe that they have a strong frame of reality, but other people see through the shtick. Those are the guys who need to learn to chill out.

But there’s another sort of creepy – a kind that doesn’t mean to be. In fact, its very well-meaning. Some guys are just too quiet, too timid, and too afraid to initiate any sort of physical contact. They’ve grown up learning to be “nice”, and they unfortunately mistake “nice” for “meek”. Needless to say, meekness can come across as creepiness too.

Nick and I have received a very small amount of notoriety for the bombing openers we teach on our bootcamps. We’ll come up with a ridiculous thing for you to say that, were it taken for its verbal content alone, would be sure to get you rejected. But it is a very useful tool for guys who’ve been too nice for too long and need to learn how to add excitement to their conversations. Moreover, if you present a bombing opener with the right attitude and energy, it almost always opens a fun conversation.

This past weekend, Nick introduced kino bombing, when he told a client to go sit on a girl’s lap as his “opener”. The client had been experience a lot of difficulty in making any sort of physical connection, so this exercise was both amusing and terrifying. But it worked; not only did the girl actually like the client, but it reset his guage for what is possible.

Very few of us are born with perfect social intelligence and calibration; developing those traits is a matter of trying new behaviors. These behaviors may push you well beyond your comfort zone, and you may surprise yourself along the way with just how much you can get away with. For many men, this sort of exercise is phenomenal – as long as they remembers that it is just an exercise. Bringing these sorts of behaviors into social groups and longstanding relationships is anathema.

Why do guys take bootcamps? They may come in looking for lines and things to say. But ultimately, getting better at socializing means adopting new behaviors and becoming more calibrated; this is why things like bootcamps and coaches exist – to guide you through the process in a controlled manner. And hey, you can do it on your own if you have lots of self-awareness, discipline, and well, balls.

But it all starts with awareness. If you’re feeling uncalibrated, my first thought is this: overconfident creepy pickup guy is no more calibrated than his meek counterpart. Figure out which side of the coin you’re on, and begin to try behaviors that are way different.

Posted by Christian | Filed Under Pickup Your Game