How to have a conversation

Chris11220 · #1 11-21-2008, 01:38 AM

Alright...i'm a pretty alright guy, have many friends and have had my fair share of girls.Normally im between poor to average conversationalist in a one on one conversation, but recently haven't been able to connect, my conversations just lack and just die after a few seconds... idk what is wrong.... This isn't a AA or lack of courage, i just cant have a normal conversation! any good advice or recommendations on books???? and plz don't comment back saying "Just say anything that comes to your mind" cause i've heard that one before

Ivo · #2 11-21-2008, 03:59 PM

go see a movie or a concert, or read a book, and then just talk about what you've seen or read...or if you have whatever going on in your life, just talk about it.

effigyc · #3 11-21-2008, 09:42 PM

I think we'd be able to help more if you gave a more specific example. How exactly are your conversations going?

Ethan · #4 11-21-2008, 10:47 PM

In my experience, conversations fizzle when people try too hard to find "good" topics and to provide witty responses. They get caught up second guessing their own words, killing conversational flow, and making for some uncomfortable silences. In a way, trying to make good, interesting conversation is actually a subtle way of trying to impress. Think about it.

This probably isn't something that will be fixed overnight, but try and get into a GREAT mood before talking to people. When you're happy and content with yourself, you don't go out seeking the approval of others. And without that pressure on your shoulders, you'll find it much easier to have "normal" conversation.

Have at 'em!
- E

Chris11220 · #5 11-22-2008, 01:50 AM

ok... mmm for example .... recently ill be at a party, talking to a girl, or even a guy, and ill say "hi its nice to meet you" or maybe ill make it a little farther than that and right after ill just die conversationally, just looking into her/his eyes for maybe a few seconds more, until it just feels uncomfortable and then walk away cause i have nothing to say or nothing to ask. after a while its just leaves me with an embarrassing feeling of knowing most of my conversations with other people are going to be awkward.

Another Example is that ill be talking to someone,maybe one of my friends, and i might have good conversations, but mostly its just awkward and lacking because i just don't know how to reply to their comments and keep the conversation going.

By the way, just to paint a picture of who i am, i'm a decent looking guy, have amazing body language (lol i guess what i'm saying is i act confident enough), always give great eye contact, and my tonality is good, and am able to pull girls a decent amount of time, so these aren't my problems.

Some people are better at these parts of their lives and i guess i'm an introvert, trying to be an extrovert who can talk and have great and passionate conversations with others anytime about anything.

I've learned some techniques like if you cant think of anything to say after someone talks, then repeat the last few words of what they say in a question form and some others... can anyone give me HELPFUL tips, USEFUL information or good recommendations for books that can help me plz?

Chris11220 · #6 11-22-2008, 02:03 AM

Ethan i understand what your trying to say, and i know what you mean by talking when your happy, i usually do my best conversing when i am, but most of the time it just feels akward when you see one of your friends you see on the street and you just give them a hey and just keep walking, since you know the conversation will just be akward if you stop to talk. I'm not looking for lines, i know lines dont work, but i'm just looking to see if there is a method to my madness and maybe a formula that could start me on the right path

effigyc · #7 11-22-2008, 12:03 PM

[quote=Chris11220;177]ok... mmm for example .... recently ill be at a party, talking to a girl, or even a guy, and ill say "hi its nice to meet you" or maybe ill make it a little farther than that and right after ill just die conversationally, just looking into her/his eyes for maybe a few seconds more, until it just feels uncomfortable and then walk away cause i have nothing to say or nothing to ask. after a while its just leaves me with an embarrassing feeling of knowing most of my conversations with other people are going to be awkward.[/qoute]

So I'm assuming this sounds like
Hi I'm Chris
Hi I'm so-and-so
Nice to meet you
You too

and then you draw a blank.

My initial impression is that you are struggling because you don't know where you're going with this. You don't really have a plan as to how your going to take the interaction from "hello" to wherever you want it to go. That being said:

Firstly, you can ask simple questions like "so what have you been up to this afternoon" or "how do you know everyone here" if you're at a party. You can also make statements about yourself i.e. what you've been doing, how you know everyone, your thoughts on something topical.

After a little small talk like that, I personally, just start screening them. I steer the conversation towards and ask about things that are important too me.

Quote:

Another Example is that ill be talking to someone,maybe one of my friends, and i might have good conversations, but mostly its just awkward and lacking because i just don't know how to reply to their comments and keep the conversation going.

If someones giving you information, the easiest thing to do is just probe deeper into what they've said. What was that like, how did that feel, how did you get into..., tell me more about that. You want open ended questions (can't be answered yes/no).

Try and get out of your head and actually listen to what they are saying instead of thinking about what to say next.

Chris11220 · #8 11-22-2008, 01:01 PM

thanks thats a good start for me.. appreciate it...i think i know what it is, but what do you mean by screening and can you give an example. Do you mean just asking questions about her that interest you?

effigyc · #9 11-22-2008, 06:51 PM

http://powerofbeingasian.com/believa...to-elite-game/

Ivo · #10 11-25-2008, 03:19 PM

Yeah, Chris, I know what you mean... I'm like that often too.... I'm sure this is because you don't talk to people all day and when you have the chance to talk, it happens just like you described it. It happens to me, cause I sit at the computer the whole day, not talking, cause that's my work like, and after that if I go to a bar, I don't know what to say... But if I force myself to try to have some conversation for two nights, the 3rd night it's much better... So it's mainly practice....
That said, I want to add 2 more things. I noticed that if I tried to go to screening questions just after some minutes of small talk, this doesn't work. I get a "why you asking me this?" or similar answer. So the solution is maybe more small talk, which is a bit difficult to me also, or, better way is to tell a story and from there to connect my screening question with that story. The problem is that I don't have much stories that can be interesting and it's still the issue with transition to the story.
That brings me to my second thought. I very much enjoyed an article that once Christian, I think he was still with TheApproach then, sent to my email. It was about context and an experiment done by Washington post with the help of Joshua Bell. I read this article several times back then and it was part of my conversation with my former girlfriend when I saw her the first time. So thanks, Christian, for that story. And I'd suggest that we post here some interesting articles like this - that are of general interest, not about pick-up, so we can use them like topics for interesting conversations.