What do you REALLY want out of all of this?

[aleams]

That's a simple question to answer, but it takes a whole lot of thinking. More then you probably already have.

Just last night, I went on a date with an absolutely beautiful woman. I found a perfect place for us to hang out for hours. When I felt it, I kissed her and our kiss was explosive. About twenty minutes later, I was pleasuring her and it wasn't much longer that she was telling me "Fuck me". And then we had sex, now this was only my second time having sex, so I was still in the learning process. It was absolutely horrible.

I couldn't keep it hard long enough, and though she seemed to enjoy what I did have to offer. I received absolutely no pleasure from it all, in fact my legs and hands hurt more then anything else. The only way I could stay long enough was if she pleasured me which was very difficult. I could go on, but nothing really happened out of it all. I am lying in the back of my car naked on the side of the highway, with the doors open, on this beautiful Michigan night. She was wrapped in me as naked as Eve and all I could think about was, what the hell do I really want?

I mean I dreamed of a life where I could flirt and be talking with tons of beautiful women. I could sleep with any of them when I wanted (and of course always with their consent). Yet I would still be looking for love and I would find her out of this stage or sculpture. I would marry her or at least be in a lifelong relationship and everything would be beautiful. We would make love often on the beach with the waves slowly moving by our beach-house and it would be the best sex the both of us ever had, all after a nice cup of wine on a beautiful starry night.

I realized something this morning that many of you may or may not have realized yet. I finally got what I wanted before with this girl... I wanted to lose my virginity and live the life of a bachelor surrounded by beautiful women. Now that I am as close to living that "dream" as before, I find that I never wanted to lose my virginity or live the life of a bachelor in the first place. So that begged the question to me, "What the hell do I want then?"

Well, I want to be happy(er then I already am). I want to fall in love again and this time have her feel the same way and be with her for as long as we both shall live. That's what I know that I want. I got in my head all today and figured out what will and what will not make me happy. I mean isn't that all why we are here asking for help? Because we aren't happy with what we currently have in our lives. These great guys here are helping us by giving us the tools to become the guys we want to be so that the lifestyle we desire can become ours.

Before you can make any real progress with women and toward the lifestyle you desire, make sure you know exactly what you want. Otherwise you will be living a lie and then realize it once you have gotten too deep into it. I am happy I made this realization out now and not after having a kid and stuck in this town I do not want to stay in. I just wrote all of this down to make you think, just really think about what you want in your life. Do you want the life of a bachelor or do you want to be in an amazing relationship or maybe something else? All of these things, the guys here can help you out with. I know this because they have helped me by creating Unbreakable and if not for that product, I wouldn't be where I am at in my head.

So I ask you one more time, "What EXACTLY do you want?". Take your time answering it, because answering this will impact everything you need to work on and everything that will result in your future. It's okay to not be certain, but you still need to figure this out before you become whatever man you desire to become. I say this because maybe you will find that the you desire to become is not the man to really want or need to become. I wish you the best of luck in your travels.

- aleams

[wizz]

I think what you need to do is find happyness in yourself. Happyness is internal. You will never be able to find it in external sources. It sounds like you were thinking "if I have all these women and this crazy life then I will be happy". That's not how it works. You have to be happy with yourself and use external things to add to that life. There has been studies that show people are no happier a year after they win the lottery then they are before they win the lottery.

As for the bad sex... I've had girls that I couldn't wait to have sex with and once I did it was nowhere near as great as I thought it would be. But there's also girls that blew my mind. If you've only had sex twice you might want to try somewhere besides the back of a car on the side of the highway. Keep it in the bedroom until you get more comfortable.

I've chatted with you in some threads on here and you seem like a pretty cool guy. In the end it's just a learning process. You learn what you want and what you don't want. If this lifestyle isn't for you then that's cool. To each his own. Only you can discover what you really want in life.

[aleams]

I believe you are misinterpreting what I am saying.

I am saying that there are many different paths you can take in life. Sure, you can make yourself as happy as can be, but one of those paths will be what you truly want. This will allow your already internally happy self to be this person.

I don't think you understand that I was in fact supporting both lifestyles. I was talking about what I and only I wanted. I was in no way judging you guys, but I do not want to just sleep around. I am here to be socially confident and have the balls to walk up to the woman of my dreams or at least my daydreams and be able to build a good foundation with her. I am here to meet more people and make friends so I don't feel as lonely as I always felt I was before I came here. I am here so that when I kiss that girl on her doorstep after an amazing night and I walk back to my car, she will run back to me and tell me how much fun she had and how excited she is to hang out with me again. THAT is what I want. What I want is different from what everyone else wants, but 95% of the guys here think they know what they want whether that be finding love or friends or girls to sleep around with and then they realize that they never wanted that in the first place.

The bad sex was a lesson I need to learn. I know tons of guys who have had worse sex and had girls laugh at the size of their penis compared to the size of their balls. I have also known guys who need to take an entire bottle of Viagra to sleep with a woman for five minutes. This helped me realize that what I desire isn't always what I wanted. I don't see how that is a wrong thing to realize. I don't need to sleep around with beautiful women to be happy (but maybe it will make some other men happy). I need to find someone to settle down with (which Nick and Christian have already helped immensely with Unbreakable and I do plan on furthering my education from them). Now of course, as I date I will meet some beautiful women and some of them may end up in bed with me.

All I am saying is that to reach your goals you have to have a starting position and a finish line. That's not even to say that you are perfect once you pass that line, but by then you will or should make another finish line. We are never truly done developing and maturing and wanting to make changes in our lives, until we find ourselves in a great place. This was to help people start thinking about what they truly want. We all want to be happy. That is what we know. I believe as you do that we have to be internally happy most importantly (I have been a believer in The Law of Attraction for awhile now). I also believe though that no matter how happy you may be, you need to have a lifestyle that supports and nurtures this happy lifestyle. That lifestyle or whatever it may be to you is up to you, but you have to first figure out what you want that life to be. Everything else comes afterward.

[CLDubs]

Thank you Aleams, I too have been wondering what I REALLY want out of learning to attract and more easily interact with women. On the surface I 'want' to lose my virginity and score more chicks, but I think that is just to gain the approval of people in my life (my friends, my dad, etc)

I think deeper down, what I REALLY want is to give to women their deepest fantasies and desires as experiences, and to maybe fix a wound in others that I feel in myself(but I'm fixing it myself, because how can I give something to others if I don't even have it for myself?) I want to be able to experience this thing called sex and everything that leads up to it as a mutually enjoyed, loving experience, not this careful, walking on eggshells, almost hopeless, self-centered version that dating and interacting with women feels like to me now.

Hmm... that felt good to type. I once read that life proceeds out of your intentions for it.. so if I intend to give to others that amazing feeling of complete openness and acceptance coupled with attraction then that's what I'm going to do with my life.

[aleams]

Thank you! That's exactly how I felt when writing this.. It's all about what you give, you will get in return.

[Christian]

Hey guys, as (I think) the old man of the group, perhaps I can share some of my own thoughts here... and aleams, I really appreciate you starting this thread!

When I got into this community, it was to be a business manager at Charisma Arts. Didn't expect to get as deep into it as I am. It has affected me in some odd ways, and I'm still not sure whether it's been a good or a bad influence.

I was home over labor day and my mom asked me to clean up all the stuff that had collected from my teens and twenties. This led to me finding some photos of my first gf and I, back when I was like 17. There was this photo of us laying on the bed together, both looking at the camera... we looked so innocent and serene. That relationship was not without its faults, but that photo really had an effect on me and made me feel something I've not felt much in years of living and dating here in New York. Of course, it represented a time in our lives when we both had much to learn about the world; we tried dating again a few years later, and it didn't work. But captured in that photo was a very sweet love, one of surrender.

Following our breakup, I struggled to reconstruct a sense of who I was without her. Not only had she been a girlfriend, best friend, lover, companion, everything else... but I had built a big part of my identity around having her in my life. When I went out in the world, my confidence was bolstered with the knowledge that I always had her.

Part of the post-breakup struggle manifested itself in a new social anxiety. Those who've seen Unbreakable will recall my story of walking out to the car to go to a party, sitting down in the driver's seat, then getting up and walking back in the house, afraid to go socialize with my peers.

Another part of this struggle became a need to prove something. To whom, well... to her, to myself, to my friends, to everyone. Whether it be with designer clothes, a sports car, a model on my arm... it didn't matter. Because I was still relatively unhappy. My need to prove myself to others became so strong that by the age of 23 or 24, I was pretty hollow. I had nice stuff and a prestigious business, but I didn't like my life. I wasn't driven by any sort of inner fire or passion. I didn't have fun - with friends, at bars, on dates...

Women who I dated could sense this, and the ones I really wanted were eluding me. I wasn't fun or playful enough around the ones I wanted to just hook up with, and the girls I realllly liked - the smart, hot, social, down-to-earth, awesome-in-every-way girls... they were certainly smart enough to tell I wasn't happy.

It may not be as bad as it sounds here; there were plenty of moments of happiness on the racetrack, a few girlfriends whose company I enjoyed, and a few close friends who were looking out for me. But when I was introduced to the dating advice community and Juggler asked me to be his business manager, I felt like something for which I'd been searching had found me.

At that point, I wasn't terrible at talking to women, and I'd always had great women in my life. Picking up girls in a bar wasn't my forte, but I wasn't socially retarded. Things with women and I just happened from time to time without thinking about it, then I was on a date. But I knew that there was something I was searching for beyond the women I was dating and the life I was living.

Juggler didn't have all the answers, but at that point, no one did. I wanted to help and contribute my own ideas to what we were teaching - the words "it's better to be genuine than it is to be clever," an old CA mainstay, were first uttered by yours truly. But with this newfound consideration of social dynamics began my little descent into madness. When you're going out on bootcamps every weekend, trying to get into the head of every guy you work with, and most importantly, being the one who has all the answers (even when you don't)... it's a weird role to be cast into. I became driven by the desire to find the best way to teach this stuff.

And as this happened, I also started to develop an ego. CA was pretty huge at one point, and I had a lot of guys listening to me as intently as anyone else there. Watch any novice pickup instructor (or a long-timer who still has shit to deal with) and you'll see how much they revel in the fact that other guys think they're good with women. That's where it starts to get vicious... when you start buying into the idea that who you are is defined by how good you are with women, and when it is reinforced by the people who are paying to hear you.

Any community is going to have a common value system. The community of Republicans, the community of BMW drivers, the community of a Church... and there will always be extremists. The extremists in our community value things which a part of us, as men, wants to indulge in. "Picking up any woman, any time, anywhere." Fucking loads of hot girls, you know, the 9's and 10's. Getting into multiple long-term relationships.

These things aren't inherently bad (at least, to me), but they are pretty out there. Most men either don't think they're possible, or don't care. And those who do want to improve their social lives, who come into this community and are marketed to, all of a sudden they do believe such things are possible. We're taught that its ok to indulge in these values.

And for some people, that's cool. As I mentioned in my 21 Convention Speech, a big part of living one's life is to figure out one's values. Some men love to go out, every night, and meet and pull new women. I tried it, and it was fun for awhile, but I honestly prefer monogamy. But my values don't have to be yours - we're in business to give people the tools they need to explore and decide what's right for them.

And at the end of the day, that's what this became for me. A way to explore the world, and in doing so, fix two problems: first, my social anxiety. These days, I have fun when I go out, and random strangers - beautiful women included - don't strike fear into my heart. From this came an important realization: in a situation with intense social pressure, the person who is able to be the most comfortable with who they are and still bring value and love to the table will be the one who everyone likes.

Now, as for the need to prove myself to others - perhaps it is still there in some ways. Some things I went through a few years back did not help this. But looking at those experiences two years on now, I'm right at the verge of putting this issue to bed.

With all of this experience, and growth, the thing I enjoy the most is when I find that same peace and surrender with the men and women in my life as I experienced in that 12 year old photo. I won't lie - it is fleeting, and I still have difficulty letting people into my life as closely as that first girlfriend ever was. But I know that when I am ready (and until my professional life really gets settled, I'm not), I won't be without the ability to see it, or the tools to make it happen.

I've delved deep into recesses of the mind, occasionally convinced myself I had problems where there weren't any as part of the analytical process of teaching, and probably missed out on a great career opportunity or two. I've made some big social blunders, alienated some people who think that what I do is weird, and have almost certainly precluded myself from ever holding a publicly elected position. But I guess I wouldn't be writing a message right now, on a forum for a company I started, with a question by a smart guy I've never met, if I wasn't still getting out of this something that was meaningful for me.

Thanks guys...

Christian

[Christian]

Also, both of you guys, some deep shit to realize at a young age.

All I'd say is don't hold back, have a TON of fun with women, and keep that part of yourself which is forever exploring...

[Leonidas126]

Christian's right. We're guys. It's in our nature to always be striving for a goal, and when we achieve it we sorta feel empty inside until we find something else to reach for. When you're still out there trying to junk your v-card, that's something that you're looking to achieve, and when you accomplish it you just have to discover your next goal. Don't try to think too far ahead and figure out what next goal you're going to pursue after you achieve what you're pursuing now.

Also, read Way of the Superior Man. Pretty good book about this sort of thing. http://books.google.com/books?id=TEW...age&q=&f=false

[EhhWhatsUpDoc]

In the end we all want to do good. In the end, no matter what your "goal" is, your ultimate purpose is something along the lines of contributing to the world and shaping it your way, and helping the people in that world. Some religions/philosophy teach that mankind are faulty and in the end they all end up perverting their original goal because of greed, pride and what not... In a way history has proven that to be true... but on the other hand, I just can't accept that and still go on.

Ultimately I would like to help people, but before I get there, I need to become the landmark I'm looking for. If I can't, then I rather not help people at all. That's why I'm such a perfectionist, and I have learned to be cool with that... To determine weather I can or cannot, I have to go to the extreme and see what are the possibilities, to see how much of my creativity can become reality... And as a gift and curse, I just happen to be pretty darn creative.

[DevilsandDetails]

Curious as to why you feel you need to be "settled" professionally before you are ready. Is it the nature of your life in this profession, or why do you feel that kind of connection with a woman and success professionally are odds with each other?