The Nature of David

May 28, 2010

From time to time, I write to understand the world. Through story and metaphor, I attempt to find meaning in something that inspires me, confuses me, or both… many times, a woman, a situation or a belief. These writings have been largely private to this point – sometimes a small gift from myself to another – but after a conversation with a dear friend the other night, I was encouraged to begin sharing. I hope you enjoy this one…

———–

It was on one brilliantly perfect afternoon in mid-July that Michaelangelo found himself sitting in a courtyard in Rome, enjoying the sun in the sky, the crunch of pebbles beneath the feet of passersby, and the breezy summer air. Eventually, he became lost in his thoughts. He’d just completed his work on the Sistine Chapel – truly a testament to God’s greatness – and he felt at a loss for how he may next share his gifts with the world.

So wrapped up was he in his own mind, it was not until the sun began to set that he came to notice the massive slab of marble that had miraculously appeared only twenty feet away, in the enter of the courtyard. He looked around furtively; some strange guilt had visited upon him, as if this gift was to be neither trusted nor accepted. But the passersby continued on their way and around the slab with nothing more than a sidelong glance.

This struck him – “how strange that these people – going about their days and on their merry ways – would pay so little heed to such an anomaly.” And yet the paradox struck him, and he understood the purpose of this marble. He would create something perfectly human, yet divinely inspired. The best that man could be, despite his flaws. A sculpture so well-realized that it would inspire all those who would be exposed to it.

The next day, Michaelangelo erected a scaffolding around the marble, and set to work. Over the first few months, progress was slow. It took patience and time for the general shape to begin to form, and Michaelangelo was not without his doubts. The final vision of what this would become was still unclear, and this work came at the expense of other, more profitable projects. Several dukes had contacted him, offering handsome commissions for murals and paintings. And while those offers nagged him, he couldn’t help but go with the feeling in his heart that this was the right work to be doing at the right time.

After considerable time, a definite human shape began to form, and the crowds began to take notice. Strangely, this bothered Michaelangelo; this work was meant to be between he and his God, and while he knew the crowds would eventually come, he somehow wasn’t prepared for it when it happened.

There were all sorts. As the head and the face of the sculpture took shape, a group of Spaniards appeared who sought wisdom. They asked Michaelangelo for permission to look into the eyes of this sculpture, and as they did so, they solicited it with questions about the nature of the world. One asked how his trading goods company could expand it’s territories. Another wondered about how to better teach her students. A third asked how he could channel his creative energies into something of value to others. Michaelangelo was pleased that in the eyes of his work, each wisdom seeker found an answer that helped him or her grow.

Word of this sculpture began to spread further, and soon more and more people were coming to see it. Michaelangelo had now begun to work on the torso – strong and proud – and a group of healers from Persia appeared. They put their hands on the heart of this sculpture, and looked for the answers to their questions thereupon. “How much is too much to give?” asked one. Another asked for the strength to be a more consistent and committed healer, despite the wrongs incurred upon her in the past. A third asked for assistance in connecting the heart and the soul in his own healing efforts. And these answers were less clear than those that the wisdom seekers had found, for matters of the heart always are. But the healers took faith in the emergent strength and beauty of this sculpture, and Michaelangelo was inspired to continue with his work.

It was not long before word of the sculpture had reached far and distant lands. And as Michaelangelo began work on the pelvis, a group of hedonists appeared from the Orient. Admiring, then touching the beautiful reproductive organs with which the sculpture had been gifted, they made their requests. One asked how he could better please his lover, penetrating her more deeply in heart, body and soul. Another asked how to responsibly satiate her cravings and desires. A third took a photo in front of it, flashing a peace sign with one hand and rubbing it for good luck with the other. Slightly annoyed, but ultimately amused, Michaelangelo knew that his work was beginning to touch people on many different levels.

However, trouble was soon visited upon this great work. A group of vandals approached it one night, attempting to sabotage it. Michaelangelo was just around the corner at the time, cleaning his chisels in the river, and fortunately, chased them off before they could do it significant damage. But this incident cast him into a spiral of doubt. Other works of his had been vandalized and even destroyed in the past – twice by the men who’d commissioned them to be
made. And Michaelangelo was a person who put all of his heart into his work; while he felt it right to continue, he was so wracked with doubt that he hired a security detail for the unfinished piece, erected a wall around it, and went on hiatus.

He thought long and hard about this work. It was not his first sculpture, and he was still unclear if it would be his last. And now on holiday, he realized that the incident with the vandals had upset him more than he had even initially been able to accept. He considered that this sculpture was perhaps not even the right project; maybe he should reconnect with the dukes who were seeking to commission him.

Or perhaps he should merely return and finish one part of the sculpture; if he scaled back his own expectations for what this could be, perhaps others would stop placing such significance on it as well. Unclear and leaving it up to God’s will, he realized that the nature of this sculpture and it’s significance would only reveal themselves if he allowed himself to be open to any possibilities – from destruction to perfection.

And he realized that as the project had evolved, his own efforts had inexorably led to what it had become. It had begun to touch the lives of many people in wonderful ways, and try as he might to escape the responsibility he now faced, he knew that to fight the direction this had taken would be a disservice to everything it could be. Uncertain in his direction, but certain in Divine guidance, Michaelangelo put the outcome in the hands of a Higher Being.

When he returned to the site of the sculpture, he was at first shocked, then alarmed, to find the chaos surrounding it. Three camps had been set up – one of wisdom seekers, one of healers, and one of hedonists – and they were each making a claim on the nature of the work.

The wisdom seekers had learned so much from the sculpture, and thought it to be an oracle of sorts. They petitioned Michaelangelo to finish his work on the head, and to release it to them that they may use it exclusively for matters of knowledge and learning.

The healers had their own opinion. They beseeched Michaelangelo to complete his work on the torso, that they could use it as a sort of storehouse for all of the wrongs of the world that they had extracted from those they healed.

And the hedonists urged Michaelangelo to complete his work on the pelvis. They had grand aspirations of casting it as a mold – both in it’s complete form, and as it’s symmetric reciprocal – that would be revered and fantasized about within their clan.

For weeks, the artist found himself vacillating between the groups. The wisdom seekers had used what they’d learned from the work for good purposes, and he could not deny that their intended use would be for the betterment of mankind. The healers, though, also had good petition. Michaelangelo recognized that many in the world were damaged, and the healers had made it a mission to take on their pain. As for the hedonists, Michaelangelo could not deny that their claims arose from a genuine, and beautiful, humanistic desire – perhaps the most easily corrupted desire, but also the most sublimely deep and profound desire when expressed with a pure heart.

After weeks of hearing their petitions, Michaelangelo cast the applicants out of the courtyard and set to finish what he had started. And as it continued to evolve, he was not without his doubts. The work itself came naturally – almost too naturally – and the details of the sculpture emerged as if guided by providence. But from time to time, the petitioners returned, asking him to cast his efforts in one particular area. And from time to time, attempts were made to vandalize the piece, and Michaelangelo was struck with memories of works past, and how devastated he would be if the piece were destroyed – not only out of despair for himself, but also for the countless people who were counting on him and his work to provide a bit more happiness in their own lives.

This project, though, now had a momentum of it’s own, and was carried forward as a if a skiff on the Tiber. As the artist cast his doubt aside, and allowed his hands and his heart to guide his efforts, the sculpture grew into something more and more beautiful with every passing day.

And one fine evening, as the sun cast it’s last rays over Rome’s hills and valleys, Michaelangelo chiseled the final detail out of the sculpture’s left baby toe. A bit large for a baby toe – in fact, the hands and the feet were both disproportionately large – but despite these minor imperfections, the work was as perfect as a sculpture could be.

During these last few months of construction, Michaelangelo had kept everyone out of the courtyard. So it was with great anticipation from the crowd, and great trepidation from the artist, that a date was revealed for a public unveiling. It was determined that the statue would be revealed for the first time in Florence, a quaint, classically European town to the north of Italy’s capital.

The statue was boxed, and the throng of followers journeyed along with it for many miles, through a countryside that was just beginning to wane with the onset of fall. Along their journey, members of the various camps began to learn of each other. They began to realize that the thing that brought them all together was all of their’s to share. And by the time they had reached their destination, there was general agreement that amongst the wisdom seekers, the healers, and the hedonists, there was no higher value or virtue – only different expressions of man’s desires and capabilities.

Michaelangelo had picked the time of 7 pm for his public revealing. The early fall sun would be orange in the sky, casting it’s saturated rays on his masterpiece. As the crowd gathered in the courtyard of the Ufizzi, buzzing with anticipation, and late afternoon became early evening, a strange thing happened…

Silence. With a quarter hour to seven, as if commanded by some force beyond, a tranquility settled over the crowd. So in awe of this moment was the crowd – a crowd which had followed this sculpture since it’s genesis, which had influenced it’s direction, but which had ultimately been forced to abscond it’s will to the Creator of the statue – that a sort of communion was visited upon them. In this moment, a common humanity was felt, unlike anything the crowd’s members had ever experienced before.

A woman began to quietly cry. She so wanted to believe in the authenticity of this moment, but doubt and apprehension spoke to her. What if this thing that she’d been following for so long was fraudulent? What if it failed to live up to her expectations? And what if this moment of peace, a moment gifted with the anticipation of the revealing, was not to last? If only she’d known that at that very moment, the artist was alone in his private quarters, experiencing the same thoughts and emotions. As he prayed for comfort with his Neighbor, this woman’s neighbor reached out to her to hold her hand.

Seven minutes before the hour, Michaelangelo emerged into the crowd, and the silence became chaos. The crowd erupted into cheers, for here was the man who would reveal to them, in art, the nature of their own humanity. As he took to the stage where the statue was covered, and waiting, he cleared his throat and silently asked for guidance. Then he spoke.

“Ladies and gentlemen… I come before you today not of my own accord, but of a force much greater than I. What began as an inspired moment has become something which has given more meaning to all of our lives… to find common ground and a common sense of who we are. And what began with uncertainty continues with uncertainty; one of a different variety, but uncertainty nonetheless. We all have our expectations for what this can be for each of us, but until we experience it and come to live with it, we are only united in our hope and in our doubt.”

A woman yelled from the crowd. “Michaelangelo – please assuage my concerns! Have you given adequate attention to the statue’s head?! In those eyes I have found much wisdom, and in my future I hope to find more!”

Michaelangelo looked at the woman – a good and honest woman, with wide eyes that revealed a deep well of intelligence – and answered her. “Ma’am, I have done my very best to gift this sculpture with eyes that will reflect back to you all the answers you seek. But look not to this sculpture alone, for the eyes I have given it are merely the most accurate representation I could provide of the honesty and truth that flows through our world.”

A man then raised his voice. “Michaelangelo – I cannot stand the wait! How is the torso of this sculpture? Does it reflect a heart that is strong and courageous?”

The artist considered this man, with his strong physique and tender presence, and responded. “Sir, in this man’s torso, I have endeavored to capture the pride of a man who has taken on the weight of the world, and the humility of one who is inspired by his heart and his genuine love for mankind.”

And a third voice emerged from the crowd, a woman’s again. “Michaelangelo, you must not delay, but tell me if this sculpture will arouse passion and excitement in it’s representation of man’s most private, but precious, physical form.”

Michaelangelo regarded this woman, held securely in the arms of a man who smiled warmly down upon her, and replied. “My dear, I could do no injustice to that which provides us with so much pleasure here on earth, and which allows for our continued growth – as couples, and as a species.”

With these words, the town bells began to ring, and seven o’clock was upon the crowd.

Summoning all the confidence with which the moment had to offer, the artist grasped the linens which covered the statue, and drew hard. “Ladies and gentleman, I give to you, our David.”

At just that moment, the setting sun dipped below the crown of the statue’s head; an eclipse… a halo? The crowd would never know. Silence, again.

After seconds that seemed like hours, a woman’s voice emerged from the stillness. “His eyes are so sad, yet so attentive… Michaelangelo, you have captured the wisdom of one who truly knows of the world and of mankind! It is perfect!”

A man’s voice followed. “His chest is so broad, yet poised so humbly… Michaelangelo, you have captured the heart of a man who truly gives and receives love with every breath! It is perfect!”

A woman’s voice followed. “His pelvis is so well erected, but not perverse… Michaelangelo, you have truly captured the form of a man who penetrates the world with his very essence! It is perfect!”

“Yes, I have done all those things,” responded the artist, finally allowing himself to once again take in deep breaths. “But the nature of this man – of this thing we have created together and with help from the Above – is much more than any of that.”

“Were any one of these pieces left out, or were any one of these pieces given undue favor, it would be a disservice to the nature of what we have. And as my work evolved, and as I considered your petitions, I realized that for this work to appropriately represent the true nature of David… ‘beloved’ in Scripture… to represent the soul’s form in flesh or in marble… I was not to stand between or selectively accept or reject any of the three elements, and their purpose in this creation.”

“And yes, they evolved in phases; the head came before the heart, which came before the pelvis. And there were many false starts, and doubts that I had along the way. But it is complete, and the perfection that you see is born of the whole… of the soul of the piece… given life by the completeness of it’s humanity. Yet I humbly submit to you that this work is not perfect.”

A gasp went up among the crowd.

“You must understand… the imperfection of this work… man’s flesh and soul in marble… lies in it’s nature; it is our own experiences that make it perfect. To me, this work is as imperfect as a child’s first pottery piece… a piece whose perfection will only be realized in the eyes of his adoring parents. It is as imperfect as the clumsy sonnets of a teenager in love, verses whose perfection will only be felt by his innocent beloved. Our creations are as imperfect as our abilities to create. And with these hands I have, I could do no less than to give you this, David. And I could give you no more.”

“But I do pray that you will consider this thing we’ve created together, and accept it for the entirety of what it is. I pray that we can enjoy what little wisdom it can provide for us, what little strength it can be for us, and what little pleasures it can give us, while our little hearts still beat.”

Posted by Christian | Filed Under Women And The World | Comments 

Name: Email:

To Be Honest, or Non-Reactive?

March 31, 2010

Posted by Christian | Filed Under Women And The World | Comments 

Name: Email:

Adam Gilad & Erotic Mastery

February 17, 2010

Had a fascinating conversation today with Adam Gilad.

Well, it’s always a good talk, but this time we recorded it. The discussion is a little bit R-rated – Adam had a lot to share about being a great lover and give a woman an experience she’s never had in the bedroom. Enjoy this one.

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

And learn more about big Adam at his site – he’s got first-class material on the subject matter.

Posted by Christian | Filed Under Women And The World | Comments 

Name: Email:

Sexual Dynamics in a Warzone

December 22, 2009

Here’s a different take on things for you…

My friend Sam Cook, an entrepreneur and retired Army Captain, joined me recently to share some fascinating thoughts.  Spending several years in Iraq, he had the opportunity to see the nature of sexuality in situations where, as Sam puts it, the alpha men have “power over life and death.”

It starts a little slow, but if you’re interested in social dynamics, evolutionary biology, and other such thing, you’ll want to stick around until the end on this one.

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

or right-click here to download

Posted by Christian | Filed Under Women And The World | Comments 

Name: Email:

The Universal Secret – And why we can’t live without it

August 26, 2009

Could it really be that simple?

Could the answer to all of our consistency issues be right under our noses?

Why is it that sometime’s we can light up a room, while other times members of the opposite sex turn away in disinterest?

I’ll tell you the answer right now but I’ll have to explain myself for it to sink in. The difference between really connecting with people and not – the thing that every ‘natural’ is always doing in spades but can never quite put into words – is simply speaking the universal language.

Cliché tells us that love is the universal language, however this is only partially true and and isn’t helpful for people looking for the translation – the Rosetta Stone – so to speak.

I actually have to thank an old smoking habit for helping me stumble upon it. Quite a few times in college I had the pesky habit of bumming cigarettes. In fact, I did it so much that I got really good at it. I even developed my own little method.

Despite having the best method in the world, it became clear that whether or not I got a cigarette really depended on one thing:

You can try it yourself and get front row seats to the effects. First, go up to 10 people, ask them for a cigarette, and avoid eye contact and look indifferent. Next, go up to another 10 people, ask them for a cigarette – only this time look them directly in the eye and act although you are in intense pain and that they hold the key to your freedom.

Everyone reading this who’s ever been a smoker is with me on this.

When I look into the eyes of a smoker with a look on my face that he or she can fully relate to – that I really need a cigarette – they feel that same pain as they are reminded of their own times of distress. When they feel that pain and can’t help but want to relieve it in another.

Ages before complex systems of naming and describing objects came into human existence, humans beings were still communicating. Although the vast majority of us have an incredibly firm grasp over at least one of these systems, all of the communication that matters the most happens in the same way as it has for our entire existence of our humanity.

A quick look at an on-line thesaurus gives us over 30 words for ‘angry’, however if a 300lb man has the look on his face that says he’s pissed, everyone who gets even the quickest look at him is getting out of his way.

We need language to hammer out the fine details of a business contract, however how many people would actually do business with someone they didn’t trust, who didn’t give them the feeling that they had ulterior motives?

With that in mind, here’s how you always “get your openers to stick”:

The phrase, “you can tell a lot about a man by his handshake” has been around for awhile. More recently though, the phrase has been taken to advise that one should attempt to squeeze another person’s hand as firmly as possible to show how “confident” they are.

When you greet someone, you can tell a lot about them by their handshake, or more specifically, whenever they greet you in general. The ‘firmness’ of the greeting, however, isn’t how you can tell; even though a firm handshake will often happen as a byproduct.

You can tell this by looking right at the person to see if his eyes are meeting yours and if he has a look of warmth on his face. If you approach a woman, and they look at you and your eyes aren’t meeting hers (theirs) and you don’t have a look of warmth on your face, she will get the same feeling you get when you’re working with a person that you just don’t feel right about, you just don’t trust, and you decide not to work with him.

Let me make two things clear:

If you are thinking about your ‘opener’ when you approach a woman, or maybe just feeling shy, you will not be looking into her eyes, you will not have a warm expression on your face, and she’ll get that feeling that no human likes to feel.

If you start thinking about what to say during a conversation, or question whether or not she likes you, your eyes will drift, your face will become expressionless, and she will definitely get that feeling.

Plus there’s one more important factor to consider:

Women are much better at feeling this stuff than guys, and herein lies the apparent solution, and also the new problem.

On one hand – success in communication, in being charismatic or a ‘natural’, lies in your ability to express emotion vividly on your face and in turn make others feel that emotion. Without that, we’re merely self aware computers exchanging information; and the last thing a woman wants when she goes out is to exchange information – she wants to feel.

On the other hand, it’s never that simple.

Human beings, especially women, have a keen intuition for when someone has their own self interests in mind rather than hers. It’s the same as when you can just feel that a bad salesmen has his commission in mind as he’s talking to you.

It just feels off.

It’s not just selfish thinking that can give another person that feeling, it’s thinking about anything other than the person that you’re communicating with.

And you can’t just act like you’re feeling something for this to work. Try to look happy while you’re thinking negative thoughts, it’s just weird. You actually have to feel these things yourself for them not to trip her bullshit meter.

Of course again this isn’t always the easiest thing to do. Often, when we’ve been hurt in the past, we don’t put ourselves ‘out there’ as much in order to reduce the risk of additional pain. One of the ways people do this is to become more soft spoken, and to withdraw emotion from their face when they speak and “act cool”.

Most of us found out at an early age that it doesn’t really sting when someone shoots down our words, but if we put our heart into something and get rejected, then there’s a pain that can make a child cry. As an adult, we are strong enough to take this pain, but many of us fear that it will be as bad as when we were still developing psychologically.

In order to relieve this anxiety, our society has made it increasingly easier to retreat from putting yourself out there.

Email and social networking sites are amazing advancements in communications and quite incredibly make our world much smaller. The problem arises however, when we use these technologies as a form of mental crutch to avoid actual human communication.

That’s why I wasn’t surprised in the least to hear about studies that show that the people who are the most active on Facebook often report feeling the loneliest.

As easy as it would be, we can’t simply blame Facebook. How many people that you work with on a day to day basis do you try to connect with, and how many do you shoot a couple passing words to without strong eye contact and a warm expression on your face?

If you don’t do it as a natural habit with everyone you meet, it’ll be even more awkward to try and do it with women.

Pay attention the next time you’re out at a bar and here’s what you’ll see:

There will be some people having a good time. They’re laughing, moving around, speaking at a higher decibel than everyone else, and looking each other in the eyes with genuine emotions that they’re definitely feeling on their faces.

On the flip side of the coin, you’ll have people, usually around the outskirts of the ‘fun people’, who have that look on their face that they’re not quite ‘there’, that something’s on their mind, and that it’s probably not the most positive of things.

It’s easy to identify these people, their faces are are lacking all but forced acts of emotion, they’re not moving, even if they are talking to a friend they look as though they’re not really enjoying the conversation, they’re eyes are looking down more than at their friend, maybe they’re looking at their phone – not really to communicate with an absent friend, but simply to take their mind off of the anxiety they’re feeling.

The thing is that they came to the bar for the same reason as everyone else.

They want to be the ‘fun people’. Just about every person has been there before and it’s amazing. You’re having the best time, lighting up emotionally, talking more loudly, and of course attracting more of the opposite sex than ever before – you’re “in the zone”.

The next morning though, we’re usually a bit hungover, we know we just had the most amazing time the night before; the only problem is we can’t remember how to get that back. We search high and low, trekking out to the bar night after night – both men and women – and start drinking with our fingers crossed that it’s going to happen again, maybe with some lines that we believe will do the work of getting it back for us.

The thing is, we know how to get that feeling back, we’ve simply forgotten.

When we see a baby crying or smiling, only the most emotionally checked out people cant help but feel upset or happy, respectively. When we see genuine emotion in another person, we can’t help but feel the reflection of that emotion in ourselves, and we subconsciously drawn to those who make us feel positive emotions, and repelled by people who make us feel negative emotions.

Love-hate relationships are especially dangerous because they literally tear us apart.

Now here’s the fun effect of all of this:

By looking straight into another person’s eyes with genuine emotion while focusing strongly on her emotions – unless she’s feeling an equally strong negative emotion – you will cause her to feel that emotion and subconsciously become more drawn to you. If you don’t, she won’t. This should clear up any questions routine guys have as to why they’re having inconsistency issues. Sometime’s she’s feeling you, literally, sometimes she’s not.

Upon first developing this ancient skill, one will often feel awkward or clumsy with it, as with any other skill they would develop. With practice though, things slow down.

People will say that you give off this energy, and it’s as if you can read their mind, probably better than they can read their own.

It’s what every natural is doing without knowing it – and through this development than one can become a natural.

Because it is a skill that, like any other, takes practice; one should practice as much as possible. Start with family, friends, co-workers, people at the corner store, everyone. Soon people that have known you forever will be saying those words that we all love to hear:

“There’s something different about you”.

When you go to the bar, instead of scanning the bar for an ‘HB9′ that you can approach in 3 seconds or less, get in a circle with your friends and do what we at The Social Man affectionally call the ‘bro circle’. Whether there’s 2 or 10 of you start emoting. Remember, you’re only as strong as your weakest link, so make sure that everyone is pulling the line. Talk at a higher decibel, move around, talk with your hands, have looks of genuine expression on your faces and look each other in the eye.

The great thing about this is half the time, you forget about the bro circle and actually have fun with your friends when one of you remembers this story you forgot to tell – by acting as though you have emotion you’ll actually feel the emotion. Try smiling for a minute and not feel happy.

Then you’ll start to notice the looks.

All of the girls that are around the periphery will start emoting, themselves.

They’ll talk more loudly, move more, have more expression on their faces, and yes, start to glance in your direction. They now want you to approach them.

They probably don’t rationalize what just happened. But they felt a little hint of that feeling they all came to the bar in the first place to feel, and they’re drawn to it.

Don’t get me wrong, social skills in approaching strangers and escalating interactions are very important skills to develop, and that’s why we’ve developed ‘Say Hello’ and ‘Irresistible’, however if you’re not developing this universal skill that will allow you to powerfully communicate with anyone, anytime, anywhere, then you’ll always face inconsistencies in your interactions.

Also, don’t be surprised that when, through tapping into this, you re-realize your infinite power to strongly connect with anyone, and things start going much better in every other aspect of your life.

As you begin to pay attention to everyone again, you’ll notice that the majority of us are a bit withdrawn and often appear anxious or lost. There is no better time to remind people of what we are all looking for.

Before we’re all on “2nd Life”, remind people that the answer we’re all looking for is right in front of us, and yes, don’t be surprised when you’ve loved a woman or two along the way and your friends in the community say you look like a natural.

Posted by Nick Sparks | Filed Under Women And The World | Comments 

Name: Email:

Ask The Social Man: girls who won’t accept compliments

June 4, 2009

Matt asks us about a girl who says that she believes that men are insincere. She doesn’t like their compliments, but Matt wants to give her one.

Posted by Christian | Filed Under Women And The World | Comments 

Name: Email:

Ask The Social Man: different women, different agendas

June 1, 2009

Some women, you want to date. Some women, you want as friends. Others, you want to have fun with. Thoughts on how to proceed with this social strategy.

Posted by Christian | Filed Under Women And The World | Comments 

Name: Email:

Ask The Social Man: hooking up with “low value” girls

April 2, 2009

Marc, who is in college, wants some guidance on which girls he should be attempting to date and hook up with.

Posted by Christian | Filed Under Women And The World | Comments 

Name: Email:

Wise Words

February 17, 2009

Many years ago, I discovered a song called We Want Fun, by a guy named Andrew W.K. I quickly picked up his album, and with it on repeat during a run, was energized to go further than I’d ever gone before.  Like his music or hate it, the guy has an amazing outlook on life.  I can’t remember where I found this q&a online, but I thought you might enjoy it:

————–

My girlfriend says I should quit my band and get a job already—I’ve been living with her for almost year, and not paying rent, while she supports my musical ambitions. Should I ditch my dreams and face reality, or, should I just get a new girlfriend?

Never ditch your dreams; the idea of facing what you call ‘reality’ is a very unrealistic and potentially very damaging way to live. Crushing your interests, having to give up your passions, in favor of some more pared-down existence—[that’s] really the complete opposite of what life should be about. I think really what life should be about for all of us is focusing on our dreams, focusing on what we enjoy, and removing all obstacles or areas of our life that tell us to not do the things that we enjoy.

And usually, from my experience, when I’ve looked at the obstacles or people, circumstances, different places or things that have tried to keep me from doing what I really love doing, it was always clear that that person, place or thing had a lot of these same issues, and had themselves stifled their own creative impulses, their own dreams and desires, their own visions of possibility for themselves in the future. And when people have already crushed their own dreams, it makes a lot of sense that they would want to do that to the people around them, to help reinforce their own decision that they’ve made and to sort of even the playing field. But if they’re seeing someone—someone who’s given up on their dreams—sees someone pursuing their dreams very passionately, it can be very painful to them, because it can remind them of what they’ve given up, the choices they’ve made, and it will remind them of the pain that they’ve been experiencing every day living in a state of denial, thinking that they’re living in what they would call the real world or being responsible or all this, but they’ve in fact, in my opinion, behaved very irresponsibly, and have shut themselves off to the most healthy and vibrant aspects of their life, and their being. If you really love this girl, then I think you can lead by example, and show her why pursuing your interests is the only way to live, and hopefully you can encourage her to pursue her interests, maybe things she’s given up on, or felt were unrealistic.

But I really urge you most of all to understand that there is no “real world,” there is no “reality,” there is no one way to do things versus another way. There’s an infinite number of ways to do anything, and it’s up to you to listen to that very subtle yet very clear instinct that resides deep within your soul that really makes you who you are.

Posted by Christian | Filed Under Women And The World | Comments 

Name: Email:

What Women Want (in their own words)

January 30, 2009

I thought it would be fun to ask a few female friends to tell me what they liked and didn’t like in men.  Don’t take this stuff as gospel; there is a great study reported in the book Blink which reveals how susceptible our preferences are to unexpected surprises.  But hey, these are some smart girls, all in their mid-to-late twenties, and all of whom have no problem meeting and dating cool guys.  The questions I asked were as follows:

- what are three things that you look for in men?
- what are three things you can’t stand?
- what is a deal-breaker that would hold you back from a guy, even if everything else was great?
- in a city full of singles, why are so few people in relationships?
- has a man ever surprised you in the first few dates in a way that made you genuinely happy, and renewed your faith in men?

From Friend 1:

> – what are three things that you look for in men?
1. That he is responsible. Responsible for everything in his life,
from significant things such as caring for his family/loved ones, his
life direction, and career goals, to smaller specific things such as
paying the bills on time or calling when he says he will. He takes
things seriously and our relationship is very important to him.
Responsibility also stems from maturity.
2. That he can communicate honestly with me and others. He’s able and
willing to express his thoughts with me, as well as listen to me, so I
can do the same with him. Strong foundation for a solid relationship.
In a social setting, he’s able to hold his own. He doesn’t have to be
the life of the party, but hopefully can at least make a good first
impression on people I introduce him to..which shouldn’t be hard as
long as he is decent at communication! And of course honesty is a
highly valued trait — self explanatorily.
3. That he is ambitious/open-minded. Not in a monetary or career-based
way necessarily, but moreso that he is constantly striving to become a
better person by learning and exploring different facets and
opportunities in life. Always willing to try new things, travel to new
places, meet new people, enrich his life. The basis of a strong
relationship is when two people can live their lives individually yet
come together on common ground and still learn from each other.

> – what are three things you can’t stand?
pretty much the opposite of the 3 things I look for in a man. I can’t
stand a guy who’s:
1) untrustworthy (more on this in the next answer)
2) immature — and therefore terrible with communication, and irresponsible
3) unwilling to try new things — boring, stagnant
> – what is a deal-breaker that would hold you back from a guy, even if
> everything else was great?

I guess if i had to choose one — I can’t stand a guy who can’t keep
his word, and therefore a guy i can’t trust. If he says he’ll call,
then he should call. if he says he’ll do something, then it should be
done. I want to be able to depend on him without “nagging” at him. It
leads into a deeper issue of trust — and therefore a sense of healthy
independence even within an intimate relationship. If I trust my man
to keep his word and I trust that he knows right from wrong, then I
don’t mind if he wants to live his own life outside our time together.
If he wants to watch sports with the guys, sure. He wants to go
drinking at the bar with the guys, sure. He wants his own time to play
video games or whatever, sure! I am not a clingy type of person (mushy
maybe, but not clingy!) and the more I trust him the healthier both
our lives are, along with our relationship.

> – in a city full of singles, why are so few people in relationships?

New York is a place where someone can meet several new people every
day. Human nature is to always be seeking the best. If someone isn’t
in a relationship, every person they meet is a potential person to
date. There are so many talented, friendly, fun, amazing people in NYC
that every new person seems like a great catch. With all these
distractions, there is very little incentive to settle in a committed
relationship and take themselves out of the ’social, singles network
of NYC’ because there might always be a better person out there to
date! In smaller cities people meet others sparingly, so the options
are limited.

> – has a man ever surprised you in the first few dates in a way that made you
> genuinely happy, and renewed your faith in men?

Yes. There was someone that truly went out on a limb for me when i
needed help, and I honestly did not know him well enough to expect
that he would do such a thing for me. I wont really go into details on
this situation. But it did renew my faith in men, if not also people
in general.

From Friend 2:

- what are three things that you look for in men?
First and foremost is charisma/sense of humor… seriously if a guy can keep an audience captive, make me laugh, and is socially ahem normal that is a big plus. Second,  motivation ( not necessarily success) I don’t care if they are a starving artist as long as they are trying to push their work/get out there and do something motivation is sexy… 3. fun/interesting I really love guys that travel, speak different languages (or are learning), like cultural things and are always wanting to learn more I think it’s important that our significant others can teach us a thing or two.

- what are three things you can’t stand?
Cockiness, Over-eagerness (ew.), and shyness ( works for some people not me)

- what is a deal-breaker that would hold you back from a guy, even if everything else was great?
bad/no sexual chemistry (its true),  flakiness (Get it together!), selfishness
- in a city full of singles, why are so few people in relationships?
Actually a lot of my friends are in relationships right now (WTF) but I think honestly because everyone in NY is looking for the next best thing. Ever ask someone what they are doing? They pretty much across the board so “not sure” even if they have plans, why? because they think you have something better to offer. IT is how it is… the whole idea of “Keeping your options open” has let men in NY live in a proverbial playground of women….and women (who for the most part enjoy companionship especially as they get older) are left fighting over scumbags (WHOA!).
- has a man ever surprised you in the first few dates in a way that made you genuinely happy, and renewed your faith in men?
Ahh Yes. This one guy read my blog ( :) ) and sent me an item I had posted about it was so sweet and thoughtful.

From Friend 3:

- what are three things that you look for in men?
(no order and changes…) 1) intelligence, 2) attraction 3) humor
- what are three things you can’t stand?
1) arrogance/rude 2) unhealthy 3) no morals (under this category falls lying, cheating, etc)
- what is a deal-breaker that would hold you back from a guy, even if everything else was great? –>
1) drugs 2) controlling
- in a city full of singles, why are so few people in relationships?
1) what’s the next best thing attitude 2) too much temptation / confusion

From Friend 4:

1) humor, eccentricity, compassion
2) self-righteousness, arrogance, boring men
3) cheap mean
4) I seriously think people are far too often looking for companionship as opposed to real relationships. and people are actually severely uncomfortable with themselves and socially inept.
5) sometimes, but i don’t end up with them usually. I’ve met a lot of great guys, but the ones I actually end up with are usually close friends of mine.

From Friend 5:

On the surface/first meeting, I look for a guy that seems genuine and confident and happy, is wearing his clothes well (like with style and good fit. They don’t have to be expensive or flashy. Good men’s fashion is all about fit and the details and standing out in a subtle way), and is nice, chivalous and respectful to me instead of acting all bitter and making it clear that he thinks I’m trying to hook him and suck away all his money or something.
I hate guys who act the way I just mentioned. And I hate it when you’re talking and they’re clearly adjusting everything they say to you, like over-identifying, esp. if they over-identify the wrong emotion. Like we’re talking about a situation or something in my life and he wants to get in good with me, so when I say X happened, he says “Oh my God, that’s awful! I can’t believe it! That bitch be crazy!” and I’m like dude… It’s cool. Because if I felt that bad about it, I wouldn’t be telling a stranger. And I also hate it when people project their insecurities on me and assume that I need XX for validation just because they do.
Dealbreakers: bad sex (sometimes even if you’re attracted to someone, it’s just not a good combination), bad communication, and lying, even about small things. Because you start with small things, and then you move on….
The problem with a city full of singles is if you have a group of real friends that you get emotional bonds from, it’s too fun to be single. It makes it easy not to settle down, because if you find any small thing wrong with someone, you know there are hundreds more out there to try. For me, it’d take a real connection with someone to make me want to settle down. And even then, it’s hard to be the one in a relationship if your other friends are out playing the field and having a great time. Everyone else seems to be in the same mindset too, so even if you find someone you like, they’re probably going to be so distracted by other people that they’re not going to give you the time and consideration you deserve.
From Friend 6:
- what are three things that you look for in men?
1. individuality, 2. confidence, 3. intellect
- what are three things you can’t stand?
1. making lewd comments about women, 2. cockiness, 3. lack of confidence
- what is a deal-breaker that would hold you back from a guy, even if everything else was great? lack of any future goals/immaturity
- in a city full of singles, why are so few people in relationships? with so many singles there is a lot to explore. maybe being with one person is hard with so many options around.
- has a man ever surprised you in the first few dates in a way that made you genuinely happy, and renewed your faith in men? yes, coming across people who don’t feel like they have to play games (i.e. wait to call, wait to text back, wait to show kindness and interest)
From Friend 7:
what are three things that you look for in men?
1. confidence; 2. looks; 3. intelligence
- what are three things you can’t stand?
1. pettiness; 2. having no manners; 3. insecurity
- what is a deal-breaker that would hold you back from a guy, even if everything else was great?
if he does drugs (any kind of outlawed substance)
- in a city full of singles, why are so few people in relationships?
people *always* think there is someone else better out there.
- has a man ever surprised you in the first few dates in a way that made you genuinely happy, and renewed your faith in men?
no, not yet unfortunately.
From Friend 8:
- what are three things that you look for in men?
sense of humor, intelligence, and kindness
- what are three things you can’t stand?
arrogance, disrespectful behavior, and ignorance
- what is a deal-breaker that would hold you back from a guy, even if everything else was great?
lack of intellect and drive. unfortunately, dealing with this right now and even though it may make me sound pretentious i just believe that for long-run every woman deserves someone who challenges them and can make them grow as a person.
- in a city full of singles, why are so few people in relationships?
everyone has their guard up in ny and because of this it’s really hard to meet people in general and when someone does approach you, it’s hard to let that guard down and actually give them a chance. it seems the best way to meet people here is to meet them through a mutual friend, that way they’ve already been vetted by someone you trust and therefore, the chances of success are higher.
- has a man ever surprised you in the first few dates in a way that made you genuinely happy, and renewed your faith in men?
yes, he was completely genuine and direct with me, and did not play any games. games are futile in general and people should just be real with each other from the very beginning…it will save you from much headache later. guys, take note!
So there you have it, and I will leave you to draw your own conclusions!

Posted by Christian | Filed Under Women And The World | Comments 

Name: Email:

Next Page »