Adam Gilad & Erotic Mastery

February 17, 2010

Had a fascinating conversation today with Adam Gilad.

Well, it’s always a good talk, but this time we recorded it. The discussion is a little bit R-rated – Adam had a lot to share about being a great lover and give a woman an experience she’s never had in the bedroom. Enjoy this one.

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

And learn more about big Adam at his site – he’s got first-class material on the subject matter.

Posted by Christian | Filed Under Women And The World | Comments 

Name: Email:

Sexual Dynamics in a Warzone

December 22, 2009

Here’s a different take on things for you…

My friend Sam Cook, an entrepreneur and retired Army Captain, joined me recently to share some fascinating thoughts.  Spending several years in Iraq, he had the opportunity to see the nature of sexuality in situations where, as Sam puts it, the alpha men have “power over life and death.”

It starts a little slow, but if you’re interested in social dynamics, evolutionary biology, and other such thing, you’ll want to stick around until the end on this one.

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

or right-click here to download

Posted by Christian | Filed Under Women And The World | Comments 

Name: Email:

The Universal Secret – And why we can’t live without it

August 26, 2009

Could it really be that simple?

Could the answer to all of our consistency issues be right under our noses?

Why is it that sometime’s we can light up a room, while other times members of the opposite sex turn away in disinterest?

I’ll tell you the answer right now but I’ll have to explain myself for it to sink in. The difference between really connecting with people and not – the thing that every ‘natural’ is always doing in spades but can never quite put into words – is simply speaking the universal language.

Cliché tells us that love is the universal language, however this is only partially true and and isn’t helpful for people looking for the translation – the Rosetta Stone – so to speak.

I actually have to thank an old smoking habit for helping me stumble upon it. Quite a few times in college I had the pesky habit of bumming cigarettes. In fact, I did it so much that I got really good at it. I even developed my own little method.

Despite having the best method in the world, it became clear that whether or not I got a cigarette really depended on one thing:

You can try it yourself and get front row seats to the effects. First, go up to 10 people, ask them for a cigarette, and avoid eye contact and look indifferent. Next, go up to another 10 people, ask them for a cigarette – only this time look them directly in the eye and act although you are in intense pain and that they hold the key to your freedom.

Everyone reading this who’s ever been a smoker is with me on this.

When I look into the eyes of a smoker with a look on my face that he or she can fully relate to – that I really need a cigarette – they feel that same pain as they are reminded of their own times of distress. When they feel that pain and can’t help but want to relieve it in another.

Ages before complex systems of naming and describing objects came into human existence, humans beings were still communicating. Although the vast majority of us have an incredibly firm grasp over at least one of these systems, all of the communication that matters the most happens in the same way as it has for our entire existence of our humanity.

A quick look at an on-line thesaurus gives us over 30 words for ‘angry’, however if a 300lb man has the look on his face that says he’s pissed, everyone who gets even the quickest look at him is getting out of his way.

We need language to hammer out the fine details of a business contract, however how many people would actually do business with someone they didn’t trust, who didn’t give them the feeling that they had ulterior motives?

With that in mind, here’s how you always “get your openers to stick”:

The phrase, “you can tell a lot about a man by his handshake” has been around for awhile. More recently though, the phrase has been taken to advise that one should attempt to squeeze another person’s hand as firmly as possible to show how “confident” they are.

When you greet someone, you can tell a lot about them by their handshake, or more specifically, whenever they greet you in general. The ‘firmness’ of the greeting, however, isn’t how you can tell; even though a firm handshake will often happen as a byproduct.

You can tell this by looking right at the person to see if his eyes are meeting yours and if he has a look of warmth on his face. If you approach a woman, and they look at you and your eyes aren’t meeting hers (theirs) and you don’t have a look of warmth on your face, she will get the same feeling you get when you’re working with a person that you just don’t feel right about, you just don’t trust, and you decide not to work with him.

Let me make two things clear:

If you are thinking about your ‘opener’ when you approach a woman, or maybe just feeling shy, you will not be looking into her eyes, you will not have a warm expression on your face, and she’ll get that feeling that no human likes to feel.

If you start thinking about what to say during a conversation, or question whether or not she likes you, your eyes will drift, your face will become expressionless, and she will definitely get that feeling.

Plus there’s one more important factor to consider:

Women are much better at feeling this stuff than guys, and herein lies the apparent solution, and also the new problem.

On one hand – success in communication, in being charismatic or a ‘natural’, lies in your ability to express emotion vividly on your face and in turn make others feel that emotion. Without that, we’re merely self aware computers exchanging information; and the last thing a woman wants when she goes out is to exchange information – she wants to feel.

On the other hand, it’s never that simple.

Human beings, especially women, have a keen intuition for when someone has their own self interests in mind rather than hers. It’s the same as when you can just feel that a bad salesmen has his commission in mind as he’s talking to you.

It just feels off.

It’s not just selfish thinking that can give another person that feeling, it’s thinking about anything other than the person that you’re communicating with.

And you can’t just act like you’re feeling something for this to work. Try to look happy while you’re thinking negative thoughts, it’s just weird. You actually have to feel these things yourself for them not to trip her bullshit meter.

Of course again this isn’t always the easiest thing to do. Often, when we’ve been hurt in the past, we don’t put ourselves ‘out there’ as much in order to reduce the risk of additional pain. One of the ways people do this is to become more soft spoken, and to withdraw emotion from their face when they speak and “act cool”.

Most of us found out at an early age that it doesn’t really sting when someone shoots down our words, but if we put our heart into something and get rejected, then there’s a pain that can make a child cry. As an adult, we are strong enough to take this pain, but many of us fear that it will be as bad as when we were still developing psychologically.

In order to relieve this anxiety, our society has made it increasingly easier to retreat from putting yourself out there.

Email and social networking sites are amazing advancements in communications and quite incredibly make our world much smaller. The problem arises however, when we use these technologies as a form of mental crutch to avoid actual human communication.

That’s why I wasn’t surprised in the least to hear about studies that show that the people who are the most active on Facebook often report feeling the loneliest.

As easy as it would be, we can’t simply blame Facebook. How many people that you work with on a day to day basis do you try to connect with, and how many do you shoot a couple passing words to without strong eye contact and a warm expression on your face?

If you don’t do it as a natural habit with everyone you meet, it’ll be even more awkward to try and do it with women.

Pay attention the next time you’re out at a bar and here’s what you’ll see:

There will be some people having a good time. They’re laughing, moving around, speaking at a higher decibel than everyone else, and looking each other in the eyes with genuine emotions that they’re definitely feeling on their faces.

On the flip side of the coin, you’ll have people, usually around the outskirts of the ‘fun people’, who have that look on their face that they’re not quite ‘there’, that something’s on their mind, and that it’s probably not the most positive of things.

It’s easy to identify these people, their faces are are lacking all but forced acts of emotion, they’re not moving, even if they are talking to a friend they look as though they’re not really enjoying the conversation, they’re eyes are looking down more than at their friend, maybe they’re looking at their phone – not really to communicate with an absent friend, but simply to take their mind off of the anxiety they’re feeling.

The thing is that they came to the bar for the same reason as everyone else.

They want to be the ‘fun people’. Just about every person has been there before and it’s amazing. You’re having the best time, lighting up emotionally, talking more loudly, and of course attracting more of the opposite sex than ever before – you’re “in the zone”.

The next morning though, we’re usually a bit hungover, we know we just had the most amazing time the night before; the only problem is we can’t remember how to get that back. We search high and low, trekking out to the bar night after night – both men and women – and start drinking with our fingers crossed that it’s going to happen again, maybe with some lines that we believe will do the work of getting it back for us.

The thing is, we know how to get that feeling back, we’ve simply forgotten.

When we see a baby crying or smiling, only the most emotionally checked out people cant help but feel upset or happy, respectively. When we see genuine emotion in another person, we can’t help but feel the reflection of that emotion in ourselves, and we subconsciously drawn to those who make us feel positive emotions, and repelled by people who make us feel negative emotions.

Love-hate relationships are especially dangerous because they literally tear us apart.

Now here’s the fun effect of all of this:

By looking straight into another person’s eyes with genuine emotion while focusing strongly on her emotions – unless she’s feeling an equally strong negative emotion – you will cause her to feel that emotion and subconsciously become more drawn to you. If you don’t, she won’t. This should clear up any questions routine guys have as to why they’re having inconsistency issues. Sometime’s she’s feeling you, literally, sometimes she’s not.

Upon first developing this ancient skill, one will often feel awkward or clumsy with it, as with any other skill they would develop. With practice though, things slow down.

People will say that you give off this energy, and it’s as if you can read their mind, probably better than they can read their own.

It’s what every natural is doing without knowing it – and through this development than one can become a natural.

Because it is a skill that, like any other, takes practice; one should practice as much as possible. Start with family, friends, co-workers, people at the corner store, everyone. Soon people that have known you forever will be saying those words that we all love to hear:

“There’s something different about you”.

When you go to the bar, instead of scanning the bar for an ‘HB9′ that you can approach in 3 seconds or less, get in a circle with your friends and do what we at The Social Man affectionally call the ‘bro circle’. Whether there’s 2 or 10 of you start emoting. Remember, you’re only as strong as your weakest link, so make sure that everyone is pulling the line. Talk at a higher decibel, move around, talk with your hands, have looks of genuine expression on your faces and look each other in the eye.

The great thing about this is half the time, you forget about the bro circle and actually have fun with your friends when one of you remembers this story you forgot to tell – by acting as though you have emotion you’ll actually feel the emotion. Try smiling for a minute and not feel happy.

Then you’ll start to notice the looks.

All of the girls that are around the periphery will start emoting, themselves.

They’ll talk more loudly, move more, have more expression on their faces, and yes, start to glance in your direction. They now want you to approach them.

They probably don’t rationalize what just happened. But they felt a little hint of that feeling they all came to the bar in the first place to feel, and they’re drawn to it.

Don’t get me wrong, social skills in approaching strangers and escalating interactions are very important skills to develop, and that’s why we’ve developed ‘Say Hello’ and ‘Irresistible’, however if you’re not developing this universal skill that will allow you to powerfully communicate with anyone, anytime, anywhere, then you’ll always face inconsistencies in your interactions.

Also, don’t be surprised that when, through tapping into this, you re-realize your infinite power to strongly connect with anyone, and things start going much better in every other aspect of your life.

As you begin to pay attention to everyone again, you’ll notice that the majority of us are a bit withdrawn and often appear anxious or lost. There is no better time to remind people of what we are all looking for.

Before we’re all on “2nd Life”, remind people that the answer we’re all looking for is right in front of us, and yes, don’t be surprised when you’ve loved a woman or two along the way and your friends in the community say you look like a natural.

Posted by Nick Sparks | Filed Under Women And The World | Comments 

Name: Email:

Ask The Social Man: girls who won’t accept compliments

June 4, 2009

Matt asks us about a girl who says that she believes that men are insincere. She doesn’t like their compliments, but Matt wants to give her one.

Posted by Christian | Filed Under Women And The World | Comments 

Name: Email:

Ask The Social Man: different women, different agendas

June 1, 2009

Some women, you want to date. Some women, you want as friends. Others, you want to have fun with. Thoughts on how to proceed with this social strategy.

Posted by Christian | Filed Under Women And The World | Comments 

Name: Email:

Ask The Social Man: hooking up with “low value” girls

April 2, 2009

Marc, who is in college, wants some guidance on which girls he should be attempting to date and hook up with.

Posted by Christian | Filed Under Women And The World | Comments 

Name: Email:

Wise Words

February 17, 2009

Many years ago, I discovered a song called We Want Fun, by a guy named Andrew W.K. I quickly picked up his album, and with it on repeat during a run, was energized to go further than I’d ever gone before.  Like his music or hate it, the guy has an amazing outlook on life.  I can’t remember where I found this q&a online, but I thought you might enjoy it:

————–

My girlfriend says I should quit my band and get a job already—I’ve been living with her for almost year, and not paying rent, while she supports my musical ambitions. Should I ditch my dreams and face reality, or, should I just get a new girlfriend?

Never ditch your dreams; the idea of facing what you call ‘reality’ is a very unrealistic and potentially very damaging way to live. Crushing your interests, having to give up your passions, in favor of some more pared-down existence—[that’s] really the complete opposite of what life should be about. I think really what life should be about for all of us is focusing on our dreams, focusing on what we enjoy, and removing all obstacles or areas of our life that tell us to not do the things that we enjoy.

And usually, from my experience, when I’ve looked at the obstacles or people, circumstances, different places or things that have tried to keep me from doing what I really love doing, it was always clear that that person, place or thing had a lot of these same issues, and had themselves stifled their own creative impulses, their own dreams and desires, their own visions of possibility for themselves in the future. And when people have already crushed their own dreams, it makes a lot of sense that they would want to do that to the people around them, to help reinforce their own decision that they’ve made and to sort of even the playing field. But if they’re seeing someone—someone who’s given up on their dreams—sees someone pursuing their dreams very passionately, it can be very painful to them, because it can remind them of what they’ve given up, the choices they’ve made, and it will remind them of the pain that they’ve been experiencing every day living in a state of denial, thinking that they’re living in what they would call the real world or being responsible or all this, but they’ve in fact, in my opinion, behaved very irresponsibly, and have shut themselves off to the most healthy and vibrant aspects of their life, and their being. If you really love this girl, then I think you can lead by example, and show her why pursuing your interests is the only way to live, and hopefully you can encourage her to pursue her interests, maybe things she’s given up on, or felt were unrealistic.

But I really urge you most of all to understand that there is no “real world,” there is no “reality,” there is no one way to do things versus another way. There’s an infinite number of ways to do anything, and it’s up to you to listen to that very subtle yet very clear instinct that resides deep within your soul that really makes you who you are.

Posted by Christian | Filed Under Women And The World | Comments 

Name: Email:

What Women Want (in their own words)

January 30, 2009

I thought it would be fun to ask a few female friends to tell me what they liked and didn’t like in men.  Don’t take this stuff as gospel; there is a great study reported in the book Blink which reveals how susceptible our preferences are to unexpected surprises.  But hey, these are some smart girls, all in their mid-to-late twenties, and all of whom have no problem meeting and dating cool guys.  The questions I asked were as follows:

- what are three things that you look for in men?
- what are three things you can’t stand?
- what is a deal-breaker that would hold you back from a guy, even if everything else was great?
- in a city full of singles, why are so few people in relationships?
- has a man ever surprised you in the first few dates in a way that made you genuinely happy, and renewed your faith in men?

From Friend 1:

> – what are three things that you look for in men?
1. That he is responsible. Responsible for everything in his life,
from significant things such as caring for his family/loved ones, his
life direction, and career goals, to smaller specific things such as
paying the bills on time or calling when he says he will. He takes
things seriously and our relationship is very important to him.
Responsibility also stems from maturity.
2. That he can communicate honestly with me and others. He’s able and
willing to express his thoughts with me, as well as listen to me, so I
can do the same with him. Strong foundation for a solid relationship.
In a social setting, he’s able to hold his own. He doesn’t have to be
the life of the party, but hopefully can at least make a good first
impression on people I introduce him to..which shouldn’t be hard as
long as he is decent at communication! And of course honesty is a
highly valued trait — self explanatorily.
3. That he is ambitious/open-minded. Not in a monetary or career-based
way necessarily, but moreso that he is constantly striving to become a
better person by learning and exploring different facets and
opportunities in life. Always willing to try new things, travel to new
places, meet new people, enrich his life. The basis of a strong
relationship is when two people can live their lives individually yet
come together on common ground and still learn from each other.

> – what are three things you can’t stand?
pretty much the opposite of the 3 things I look for in a man. I can’t
stand a guy who’s:
1) untrustworthy (more on this in the next answer)
2) immature — and therefore terrible with communication, and irresponsible
3) unwilling to try new things — boring, stagnant
> – what is a deal-breaker that would hold you back from a guy, even if
> everything else was great?

I guess if i had to choose one — I can’t stand a guy who can’t keep
his word, and therefore a guy i can’t trust. If he says he’ll call,
then he should call. if he says he’ll do something, then it should be
done. I want to be able to depend on him without “nagging” at him. It
leads into a deeper issue of trust — and therefore a sense of healthy
independence even within an intimate relationship. If I trust my man
to keep his word and I trust that he knows right from wrong, then I
don’t mind if he wants to live his own life outside our time together.
If he wants to watch sports with the guys, sure. He wants to go
drinking at the bar with the guys, sure. He wants his own time to play
video games or whatever, sure! I am not a clingy type of person (mushy
maybe, but not clingy!) and the more I trust him the healthier both
our lives are, along with our relationship.

> – in a city full of singles, why are so few people in relationships?

New York is a place where someone can meet several new people every
day. Human nature is to always be seeking the best. If someone isn’t
in a relationship, every person they meet is a potential person to
date. There are so many talented, friendly, fun, amazing people in NYC
that every new person seems like a great catch. With all these
distractions, there is very little incentive to settle in a committed
relationship and take themselves out of the ’social, singles network
of NYC’ because there might always be a better person out there to
date! In smaller cities people meet others sparingly, so the options
are limited.

> – has a man ever surprised you in the first few dates in a way that made you
> genuinely happy, and renewed your faith in men?

Yes. There was someone that truly went out on a limb for me when i
needed help, and I honestly did not know him well enough to expect
that he would do such a thing for me. I wont really go into details on
this situation. But it did renew my faith in men, if not also people
in general.

From Friend 2:

- what are three things that you look for in men?
First and foremost is charisma/sense of humor… seriously if a guy can keep an audience captive, make me laugh, and is socially ahem normal that is a big plus. Second,  motivation ( not necessarily success) I don’t care if they are a starving artist as long as they are trying to push their work/get out there and do something motivation is sexy… 3. fun/interesting I really love guys that travel, speak different languages (or are learning), like cultural things and are always wanting to learn more I think it’s important that our significant others can teach us a thing or two.

- what are three things you can’t stand?
Cockiness, Over-eagerness (ew.), and shyness ( works for some people not me)

- what is a deal-breaker that would hold you back from a guy, even if everything else was great?
bad/no sexual chemistry (its true),  flakiness (Get it together!), selfishness
- in a city full of singles, why are so few people in relationships?
Actually a lot of my friends are in relationships right now (WTF) but I think honestly because everyone in NY is looking for the next best thing. Ever ask someone what they are doing? They pretty much across the board so “not sure” even if they have plans, why? because they think you have something better to offer. IT is how it is… the whole idea of “Keeping your options open” has let men in NY live in a proverbial playground of women….and women (who for the most part enjoy companionship especially as they get older) are left fighting over scumbags (WHOA!).
- has a man ever surprised you in the first few dates in a way that made you genuinely happy, and renewed your faith in men?
Ahh Yes. This one guy read my blog ( :) ) and sent me an item I had posted about it was so sweet and thoughtful.

From Friend 3:

- what are three things that you look for in men?
(no order and changes…) 1) intelligence, 2) attraction 3) humor
- what are three things you can’t stand?
1) arrogance/rude 2) unhealthy 3) no morals (under this category falls lying, cheating, etc)
- what is a deal-breaker that would hold you back from a guy, even if everything else was great? –>
1) drugs 2) controlling
- in a city full of singles, why are so few people in relationships?
1) what’s the next best thing attitude 2) too much temptation / confusion

From Friend 4:

1) humor, eccentricity, compassion
2) self-righteousness, arrogance, boring men
3) cheap mean
4) I seriously think people are far too often looking for companionship as opposed to real relationships. and people are actually severely uncomfortable with themselves and socially inept.
5) sometimes, but i don’t end up with them usually. I’ve met a lot of great guys, but the ones I actually end up with are usually close friends of mine.

From Friend 5:

On the surface/first meeting, I look for a guy that seems genuine and confident and happy, is wearing his clothes well (like with style and good fit. They don’t have to be expensive or flashy. Good men’s fashion is all about fit and the details and standing out in a subtle way), and is nice, chivalous and respectful to me instead of acting all bitter and making it clear that he thinks I’m trying to hook him and suck away all his money or something.
I hate guys who act the way I just mentioned. And I hate it when you’re talking and they’re clearly adjusting everything they say to you, like over-identifying, esp. if they over-identify the wrong emotion. Like we’re talking about a situation or something in my life and he wants to get in good with me, so when I say X happened, he says “Oh my God, that’s awful! I can’t believe it! That bitch be crazy!” and I’m like dude… It’s cool. Because if I felt that bad about it, I wouldn’t be telling a stranger. And I also hate it when people project their insecurities on me and assume that I need XX for validation just because they do.
Dealbreakers: bad sex (sometimes even if you’re attracted to someone, it’s just not a good combination), bad communication, and lying, even about small things. Because you start with small things, and then you move on….
The problem with a city full of singles is if you have a group of real friends that you get emotional bonds from, it’s too fun to be single. It makes it easy not to settle down, because if you find any small thing wrong with someone, you know there are hundreds more out there to try. For me, it’d take a real connection with someone to make me want to settle down. And even then, it’s hard to be the one in a relationship if your other friends are out playing the field and having a great time. Everyone else seems to be in the same mindset too, so even if you find someone you like, they’re probably going to be so distracted by other people that they’re not going to give you the time and consideration you deserve.
From Friend 6:
- what are three things that you look for in men?
1. individuality, 2. confidence, 3. intellect
- what are three things you can’t stand?
1. making lewd comments about women, 2. cockiness, 3. lack of confidence
- what is a deal-breaker that would hold you back from a guy, even if everything else was great? lack of any future goals/immaturity
- in a city full of singles, why are so few people in relationships? with so many singles there is a lot to explore. maybe being with one person is hard with so many options around.
- has a man ever surprised you in the first few dates in a way that made you genuinely happy, and renewed your faith in men? yes, coming across people who don’t feel like they have to play games (i.e. wait to call, wait to text back, wait to show kindness and interest)
From Friend 7:
what are three things that you look for in men?
1. confidence; 2. looks; 3. intelligence
- what are three things you can’t stand?
1. pettiness; 2. having no manners; 3. insecurity
- what is a deal-breaker that would hold you back from a guy, even if everything else was great?
if he does drugs (any kind of outlawed substance)
- in a city full of singles, why are so few people in relationships?
people *always* think there is someone else better out there.
- has a man ever surprised you in the first few dates in a way that made you genuinely happy, and renewed your faith in men?
no, not yet unfortunately.
From Friend 8:
- what are three things that you look for in men?
sense of humor, intelligence, and kindness
- what are three things you can’t stand?
arrogance, disrespectful behavior, and ignorance
- what is a deal-breaker that would hold you back from a guy, even if everything else was great?
lack of intellect and drive. unfortunately, dealing with this right now and even though it may make me sound pretentious i just believe that for long-run every woman deserves someone who challenges them and can make them grow as a person.
- in a city full of singles, why are so few people in relationships?
everyone has their guard up in ny and because of this it’s really hard to meet people in general and when someone does approach you, it’s hard to let that guard down and actually give them a chance. it seems the best way to meet people here is to meet them through a mutual friend, that way they’ve already been vetted by someone you trust and therefore, the chances of success are higher.
- has a man ever surprised you in the first few dates in a way that made you genuinely happy, and renewed your faith in men?
yes, he was completely genuine and direct with me, and did not play any games. games are futile in general and people should just be real with each other from the very beginning…it will save you from much headache later. guys, take note!
So there you have it, and I will leave you to draw your own conclusions!

Posted by Christian | Filed Under Women And The World | Comments 

Name: Email:

Audio Mailbag: Falling In Love

January 27, 2009

Today’s question comes from “robert” who is sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g.

Yo Christian,

Hope you’re staying warm out there.  I imagine you’re either going to the inauguration or hosting a killer party to celebrate it…

Anyways, I wanted to thank you, keep you posted about me, and ask a question…I’ll make it short and sweet!

I’m blessed to be where I’m at right now…I’m more confident, aware, and happier than ever.  I made a choice to develop myself and I have done just that.  Your insights/material/advice/input into dating and life have contributed significantly to my growth, and I thank you.

Recently I met an amazing girl and we are now in a monogamous relationship. She fits very well into the “girlfriend” role for me.  Unbreakable had A LOT to do with getting me in the right place to have such an awesome girl.  It’s also been a guide for me in other areas of life.  So I’m really enjoying life and spreading love like a mo’ fo!

My question…So my girlfriend is on another level from all the other women I’ve dated or even just socialized with.  She has all of the physical qualities that make me happy, and that’s not very hard to find in Orange County, but she is a self aware and extremely intelligent person as well.  She is out to “give love” in the same sense that you and I practice.  She is positive and giving…self assured and confident…etc…etc…

It appears to me, that this girl does not face the same insecurities as regular women.  And at times, I question if my development is on par with hers.  So I’m wondering if you can relate to this situation at all and perhaps shed some insights…

I’ve resolved to just enjoy what our relationship is and try not to over think things…but I want to “stay at my razors edge” and keep developing myself.

I’m wondering if I’m getting too into her…like falling in love…this is a completely new thing for me…have you experienced this?

I hope that was coherent! haha  It was kind of stream of consciousness..

Thanks again, man.

Cheers, and so happy to see you at this point.  Here are some thoughts for you!

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Posted by Christian | Filed Under Women And The World | Comments 

Name: Email:

Audio Mailbag: Insecure Girls

January 20, 2009

This one was interesting to me, because both one of my best friends and I have dated girls exactly like this.

My friend, Tom, is a sophomore in college. Almost every time he is on break back at his parents house he spends a lot of time with a girl whom he went to high school with of the same age. I believe they did formally date for a while back then also. Anyway, he would go out and see her an awful lot – I’m talking taking her to a musical, out to dinner, at her house late into the night, etc. They do have sex but I don’t think they really acknowledged that they were in a relationship until recently.

This is because while he goes to an east coast school she goes to college in the midwest. Still, though, this email is not about maintaining long distance relationships. That was just background. The problem here is this:

Tom says that occassionally the girl texts or calls him from college with stories about awkward situations she was just in, like denying a guy a kiss or a guy telling her that he loves her when she does not love him. The stories bother him because he doesn’t know why she allows guys to pursue her so long before breaking the reality of the situation to them. Although it sounds like jealousy, he insists he’s not worried about the guys getting anywhere with her and I believe him.

He says that often when she tells him these stories she asks him why a guy would do that and he explicitly explains to her how guys think and how some stuff she does (like taking rides from guys and going to parties with them) might lead them on, and yet it keeps happening. From what I can tell this is the fact that seems to be bothering him. It seems to me that there is probably a feeling within this that is the real cause, but I don’t know what it is.

Another part of the situation is that he and the girl have known each other for a very long time. When they dated in high school, he felt that the way he felt for her was far greater than what she felt for him, so now there is a slight fear of doing anything that might push her away. He knows that she doesn’t really like discussing the stuff I’m talking about here so he doesn’t really want to bring it up. While that seems like a problem in and of itself, it’s not the focus of this email.

So my question is this. She recently texted him that a guy told her that he loved her. He knows she does not love him – the text was… an interesting factoid, to her. How should he respond to this? What are your thoughts on the situation?

Keep in mind that this whole thing took about 45 minutes to an hour for him to tell me, so I might have missed something in this email. Feel free to email me back with questions about the situation or to clarify something I said.

I’m very much looking forward to your response – I come to you because you’ve helped me so much in the past with your blog and everything else. Thanks for taking the time to read all that and I hope you’ll email me back.

Your “friend”, eh?  Lol… I actually do believe you and I hope that this advice makes its way to Tom.

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Posted by Christian | Filed Under Women And The World | Comments 

Name: Email:

Next Page »