Quick Tip – Value Transference

May 23, 2010

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Inside Phrases

May 21, 2010

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Past Projections

May 19, 2010

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Wish You Were Here

May 12, 2010

This one is so easy. If you’re ever chatting with a girl on facebook, bbm, text, whatever… it’s nice to say something like “wish you were here.”

But of course, that’s not very original and can even come across as a little supplicatory depending on the context of your relationship with her.  So you want to add something to make it more fun:

“Wish you were here… we could really use some schwarzenegger quotes to liven things up.”

“Wish you were here… it’s not nearly european enough”

“Wish you were here… we need more cowbell.”

Getting the pattern?  You want to take something fun and/or dorky that she has done or represents.  It’s never like “we need someone sexy” or “it’d be more fun”.   The reason you’re giving for her to be there is UNIQUE but FUN.  And of course, you’d only use those if there was already context i.e. you’d already traded schwarzenegger quotes, she is european, or you’d discussed the SNL cowbell skit.

Then the next time you see her, you’ve got the perfect inside joke.

re. schwarzenneger quotes: “Who is your daddy and what does he do?”

re. european: “hey! voulez vous couchez avec moi?”

re. cowbell: “please tell me you brought more cowbell”

A little laugh and a fun way to say hello.  Try it out :)

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Rapport Done Right

April 8, 2010

This comes from our “The Good Life” program

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Temperature Check Questions

February 12, 2010

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Tiny Text Suggestion

February 10, 2010

I’m having fun with these :)  Someone wrote in yesterday with this one:

Her: “I am excited about new major – in radio n tv….blah.. blah..”
Yours Truly: “That’s great, Barbara…. Do they have any majors in dishwashers and microwave?:)”

That’s a hard neg… esp when she’s opening up.  I’d soften up the tease and make it edifying:

Her: “I am excited about new major – in radio n tv….blah.. blah..”

Me: “That IS exciting. So are you gonna be the sexy weather girl or the sexy sportcaster?”

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Text Messaging Tips

January 30, 2010

Sadly, I don’t usually get a chance to respond to all the questions we get sent… we’re working to make our video blogs a once a day thing, and in the meantime, we all appreciate your patience when you send a question in and don’t hear from us right away. But every now and then someone writes in, and I’m sitting right by the email and I’m able to get back with a quick response :) So please enjoy this very brief text messaging breakdown I shared with “D”. My annotations are in italics.

> Sunday, Jan. 17 4:25 pm
> D:
> “Hi there…my sister gave me your #. We should meet for coffee
> tomorrow at some point if you’re free.
>
Coulda introduced yourself better. “hey, this is your future best
friend named D! my sis gave my ur number and said we’d get along
:)”

then you went straight for asking her out instead of building rapport.
she smelled your agenda a mile away.

> Sun, Jan 17 6:04 pm
> M:
> Hey, it’s nice to hear from you, coffee sounds good, but im going to
> the suburbs to see my dad, he just got home from the hospital but i
> might be back in the evening or else another night this week?
>
> Sun, Jan. 17, 6:58 pm
> D:
> In that event, why don’t we get together later in the week? How’s
> Friday look for you? I’m also down there on Thursdays.
>

don’t ask girls out on friday for the first time, weekends are for
friends and boyfriends weeknights are for dates. also the way you ask
a girl out is to say “when are you available next week?” so that
you’re not just throwing out possible dates.

> Sun, Jan. 17, 8:40 pm
> M:
> Friday is my birthday actually :) but thursday could work
>
> Sun, Jan 17, 9:25 pm
> D:
> Alright, Thursday it is then. Now we just have to figure out where and when.
>

no vibing off her birthday, you’re just straight to the point of
asking her out. she’s giving you so much to play with and you just
keep pressing towards asking her out. this exchange isn’t fun for her
or making her smile, it’s just some guy asking her out with logistics.

> Monday, Jan 18, 10:36 am
> Sorry for delayed response, thursday sounds good!
>
> Monday, Jan 18, 11:04 am
> D:
> No worries. How about Iguana Cafe at 6 PM? We can meet there or I can
> pick you up?
>
way to soon to respond after she took 12 hours to respond.

> M:
> Sounds good! i can just meet you there since you have to be somewhere
> after, thats probably easiest
>
> D:
> Cool, I will see you there on Thurs. :)
>

you should have been texting with her between then an thurs. but
since your whole exchange up to this point was only about asking her
out and not about having fun and building intrigue and rapport, you
didn’t have anything to say.

> * * *
> Thursday, Jan 21 3:40 pm.
> Hey, im at the doctor, i left work early with a horrible sore throat,
> they are testing me for strep :( so tonite probably wont work, i dont
> wanna give u germs plus i feel miserable, i feel bad but hopefully we
> can reschedule!
>
> Thurs., Jan 21, 4:15 pm
> D:
> Well, I would take my chances ;)…but it’s probably best that you
> rest and get healthy again. We can get together once you’re feeling
> better
>
indicating way too much interest in the first sentence.

> M:
> Strep test was positive, trust me u dont want this! at least i got an
> antibiotic, what a fun birthday im gonna have :( lets try next week?
>
> D:
> That really sux. Nobody should be sick on their birtday. Yeah, let’s
> do it next week. I’ll check back w/you in a few to figure out details.
> Feel better, gorgeous
>
don’t call her gorgeous, that’s lame. also you could have been cuter
like “awww booooo illness is lame, yeah no worries we’ll figure out
something else” but again by this point you shoulda had a lot more
rapport

> * * *
> Jan 22, 12:08 pm
> D:
> I’m known for calling my friends on their birthdays and doing my best
> Elvis impression, but you’re already ill and I wouldn’t want to make
> your condition worse
>
> Jan 22, 2:03 pm
> M:
> Haha, thats funny, im in bed all drugged up on nyquil, thanks for the thought!
>
> Jan 22, 2:16 pm
> (***I suspect I fucked up somewhere in the following exchange***)
> D: My jokes tend to be funnier if the other person is on some
> mind-altering substance or another
>

you messed up way before this… sorry chief!

> Next message, sent at 2:20 pm
> Anyway…hopefully there’s something there to make the day a little
> less miserable…like a Golden Girls marathon on tv or something along
> those lines
>

> On Monday, January 25, I sent her the following text message:
> Hey, how are you feeling? Do you wanna try again this Thursday?

don’t go straight to asking her for a date. lame and goal oriented. re-establish rapport and make her laugh and smile instead
We are coming out with a program on Text Messaging VERY soon – it’s in “testing” right now and feedback has been awesome so far  :)   Hope you enjoyed this – now go make some girls smile!

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An introduction and my top 3 tips of the week…

December 8, 2009

I just wanted to introduce myself.  I am the new female coach for The Social Man.  I am very excited to be a part of TSM.  Feel free to email me at jody@thesocialman.com or find me on Facebook as Jody Ann.

Now, on to bigger and better things…

As my first blog on here, I wanted to give my favorite tips I give to my friends to let you know the way that I think and my theories on this whole shebang.

In my opinion, there are 3 main things that attract a woman, and keep her interested:

1) Confidence

2) The ability to REALLY listen

3) Follow-through

First, as the old saying goes: confidence is key.  Women like a man who is secure and knows what he wants, and how to get it.  Nothing screams low self esteem more than a guy who hesitates to approach a woman, or, when he does go up to her, who looks terrified to speak to her.

Just for a moment, think about what a woman is thinking when a guy stares her down.  After about 5 seconds of eye contact and a smile from both her end and theirs, if the guy doesn’t make a move, she thinks 1 of 2 things:

1.) He saw her smile, and he isn’t interested (has a gf, etc.)

2) He is too scared and not confident in himself to make the approach.

Remember: a girl wants a man who knows what he wants and how to get, so go and get it.  Stand up straight, shoulders back, chest high, and go win the prize.

I always love to see the changes in clients when they experience this revelation.  The confident but casual approach is so powerful, and speaks volumes more in those first few seconds than clever words ever could.  Just remain positive, calm, and cool and give off the vibe that she should want to talk to you, and you actually want to hear what she is saying.

This leads me to my next point:  REALLY LISTEN when she speaks.

Seriously, it’s not that hard.  Once a guy makes that initial approach (which in my opinion is one of the most difficult parts) now it’s easy.  Open-ended questions are a GREAT starting point, and 90% of the time, will get you a lot further than cleverness.  After all, what is everyone’s favorite subject to talk about…themselves.  You can start with open-ended questions, but how do you avoid getting on a “question train” where you’re asking one surface-level question after another?

I also work with a social networking company for successful New Yorkers, and it might not surprise you to know that successful men like to talk about themselves.  So besides encouraging them to ask lots of open-ended questions, I give them one simple additional piece of advice: paint a picture of what she is saying.

For example, if she says she is a teacher, really picture her standing in front of a classroom with her students in front of a chalkboard, maybe with an eraser in her hand?  When you picture this image, this will help you find the topics to talk about with her, and she will actually be impressed that you are listening.

The guys at our events always have far better success with women than they have in the past when they employ this. I have also heard Nick elaborate on this subject at our meet ups and coaching programs, and everyone seems to get this as soon as they practice in everyday conversation.

A trap that a lot a guys fall into is that they over think the conversation. While she is speaking, all they are thinking is, “wow, she is so hot, what can I say next to impress her.”  Instead, really live in the moment and have a pleasant (and hopefully flirty) conversation that she will remember as the best approach and exchange she had all night.

Which brings me to my last tip of the day… the follow through.

I could write 50 different blogs on the art of the follow through, but there is one main point I want to share today.  If a guy says he is going to do something, then he should do it.  If he says he is going to call, call, if he says he is going to email, email, text, send a letter, telegram… you get the point.

Seriously, nothing surprises and impresses a girl more than if you say, hey, I’ll call you, and you do!  Granted, we don’t expect you to call the next day, and secretly, we might enjoy that nerve racking period where every time the phone rings or we get a text, we hope it’s you…but don’t make us wait too long.  After a lengthy no contact period, we give up hope; we lose your image in our mind, and move on.  So, don’t allow us to forget about you!

So to recap; be confident, listen to us, and be real with your follow through.  If you do these things, you are far ahead of the game then most of the guys out there.

Till next time,

Jody Ann

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Getting Her to Ask For Your Number

November 7, 2009

I was talking to my friend Travis the other day – he’s a bit of a day game master (and is actually using one of our cameras right now to get a bunch of footage) – and we were talking about the process by which you get a girl to ask for *your* number.

It’s a fun turn of the screw… as men, it’s within our gender role to ask for the number, and for as long as I’ve been at this, I’d say that I’m the one taking the number 80% of the time.  In the long run it doesn’t make a difference – you still have to follow up well – but pulling it off means you’re making great progress in your game.

So let’s start by asking ourselves – what would make a woman *want* to take your number?

a.) she’s so enamored with your life and your world that she wants to be a part of it

b.) she feels such a strong connection to you that she couldn’t imagine it not continuing

c.) she’s feeling incredible chemistry with you and wants to feel it again

Any of the same could be said for “solid” numbers that you take from women.  So how do you set it up such that she’s the one who asks you?

One key principal – doing a LOT with a LITTLE.

The dynamic of the interaction needs to be such that she’s doing most of the work.  You are going to be leading it with some -bait- and some -questions- but you will do very little talking about your own life.  There is something of an “ad hoc” formula to this:

1.) you start by “baiting”.  you casually mention something about your life that really connects with whatever she just said, in a very “high value” sort of way.  It can’t just be bragging – it genuinely has to demonstrate that you know what she’s talking about.

2.) she asks you about the bait.

3) you screen her on it.

4.) you screen her again.

5.) you screen her a third time

6.) you keep screening until it makes sense to stop

7.) you reluctantly qualify her, and finally answer her question

8.) future project, or include her in your life in some way

Let me give you an example, from the first time I consciously saw this happening.  It came about when I was talking about myself.  Later on, I’ll show you how to use this in your own life.

You might know that I DJ from time to time in Manhattan.  I’ve done some private parties, and a few cool venues, but I’ve never been in rotation at a huge club.  So while being a DJ is generally an asset when it comes to talking to girls, my particular experience isn’t noteworthy.  It’s more of a hobby.

I also don’t like to bs girls, so rather than give full answers, I’d rather be evasive and turn the conversation back on her.  Here’s how it played out:

I was talking with a girl about parties.

Me: “yeah, I dj’ed the last party we threw.  It was a great time, tons of people, went really late…”  You notice that the only thing about *me* in there is the bait – that I DJ.  Everything else is just factual stuff.

Her: “Wait, you DJ?, Where do you play?”  This is her taking the bait

Me: “Yeah I do.  What kind of music do you like to dance to?”  Notice that I intentionally avoided her second question, and rather than self-indulgently telling her everything about myself (which I couldn’t do anyway in this case!), I turned it around  and asked a screening question.

Her: “Oh uh… I don’t know, I like everything.”

Me: “Heh, everyone says that.  What’s your favorite song to dance to right now?”

Her: “Oh ummmm….  [song name].”

Me: “Yeah, I love that one.  People always go nuts to it.  Ok so you’re into hip hop… have you heard [song name]?”"

Her: “Yeah, I love that one too!”

Me: “Haaaa, nice.  What does it take to get you to dance on a couch at a club?”   At this point, I am taking the conversation from topical (song preferences) to personal (stuff about her personality).  Your screens should go in this direction.

Her: “Ohh you know some good music, some fun people and a few shots!”

Me: “That’s it?  (tease).  How often do you go out?”

Her: “Oh maybe one or two nights a week.”

Me: “Cool, so enough to make your promoters happy. So what are your favorite spots?”

Her: “Ummm, well last few times I went out I was at Pink Elephant and 1Oak.”

Me: “No kidding…. man I had no idea you were so cool.  I’d love to have you join some of our parties”  (this is the qualification – finally)

Her: “Haha thanks!  So wait where do you play?”

Me: “Oh I do a lot of private parties… I’ve done a few other spots… I was doing Empire Hotel for a bit.  Fun time, have you been?”

Her: “Yeah, I’ve been there!  Wait, so are you a full-time DJ?”

Me: “No, it’s just a hobby, I have a real job too.  Wait, what do you do for work?”

Her: “I’m a… [her job].”

Do you see the trajectory here?

It’s screen after screen after screen on my part.  I demonstrated some value and authority in the very beginning.  And my questions continued to do so.

In fact, she has to really work to get any information out of me, while volunteering a lot of her own.

But she *wants* to volunteer it because the right questions are being asked.  I’m demonstrating a real interest in her, and showing no need to validate myself to her.

And critically, I’m not doing any “me too” answers.  Any time I relate to her, it shows that I empathize with and understand her and her world, but because I haven’t explicitly stated anything about my personal experiences and preferences, they remain something of a mystery.  The -only- times I talk about myself are at the beginning and the end.

And at the end, when she asks if I’m full time, I mention that I have another job, then immediately turn it around on her.

Yet another thing I had to learn to do accidentally – you can’t just come out and tell people that you run a company that is the real-life version of Hitch – it’s all they want to talk about.

So right now you might be thinking, “well this is well and good, but I’m not a DJ and I don’t run a company like The Social Man, so how can I do this?”

Well, here’s another time it happened.  This time we were talking about cheeseburgers.  She had mentioned that she absolutely loves burgers.

Me: “Yeah, New York has some of the best burger joints in the world.  I think I’ve been to them all.”  (bait)

Her: “So what’s your favorite?”

Me: “Ummm, there are two that really tie for me, I can never decide.  Shake Shack is one of them, have you been?”  (more bait)

Her: “Oh my God, yes. It’s so good.”

Me: “So what burger you order when you go there?”

Her: “It’s always the same… double cheeseburger”

Me: “Can’t do anything else.  Fries, shake?”

Her: “It depends… you know, I’ve got to watch my girlish figure.”

Me: “Yeah I was gonna say (eying her up and down), doesn’t look like you eat burgers all the time.  How often do you work out?” (screen)

Her: “Ha, like four or five times a week.”

Me: “Nice – morning or evening?”

Her: “Usually after work.  I just can’t do it in the mornings.”

Me: “Yeah, plus when you do it after work you can work off the burger you had for lunch and you feel so much better about yourself.”

Her: “I know, wait… so you said there was another spot you like?”

Me: “Yeah, Soho Park.  Have you been there?”

Her: “No… where is it?”

Me: “What?  How can you call yourself a burger lover and not have eaten there?” (screen)

Her: “I don’t know!  I feel like I’m committing a sin!”

Me: “You almost are.  But you definitely know your burgers.  You should go down there sometime so you can absolve yourself.”  (qualification)

Her: “Well you’d have to tell me, or show me, where it is.”

Me: “Well you’d have to get in touch with me for that to happen.” (smiling, of course).

This one isn’t -quite- as linear as the last one.  A new subject appeared: exercising.  But notice how she brought it back to the original thread?  There was some suspense and intrigue… not quite as much as with the dj’ing… but enough to bring it back.  And it didn’t take much for her to volunteer herself for a date.

So what, again, is the formula?

1.)  Volunteer a small amount of information about yourself.

2.) Don’t answer her questions directly. Screen and screen and screen.

3.) Eventually, qualify her

4.) Subtly suggest a way to bring her into your life

In the former example, I told her she’d fit in at our parties.

In the latter example, I tee’d it up, and she took the swing.

Now, how to go from this to getting her to ask for your number?

Simple – do this same “pattern” two to three times in a conversation.  That is, connect on something important to her, show genuine interest and comprehension of her world with the questions you ask, and don’t talk about yourself too much.

When she indicates that she wants to be a part of your world – which she probably will if you’ve been fun and have intrigued her enough – you just flirtatiously suggest that she should make it happen.

Of course, when she takes your number, I suggest that you have her call you.  And unless she’s completely throwing herself at you, establish the protocol for who will follow up with who.

“So tell ya what -  text me tomorrow and we’ll set up a time to go down there.”

“Ok, so if I don’t hear from you by tomorrow I’m gonna call you and we’ll set something up.”

This whole sequence – this style of conversation – is something you should be working on anyway.  I always get into trouble when I talk too much.  There is some fun, flirtatious stuff you can throw in along the way, but the foundation here is solid – and that’s what’s going to work no matter who you’re talking to.

Hopefully we can get Travis to do a guest post here sooner or later with his thoughts on the matter.  In the meantime, please share your thoughts, and any tips or experience you’ve had in getting her to ask for your number!

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