Audio Mailbag: Social Groups
January 6, 2009
Happy New Years! Today’s question comes from Aakash.
So one of the things I’ve been working on on my road to being ever more social is how to become an integral part of an already established social group. Do you have any tips?
Sure do… this is going to be a big part of our focus this year. Here’s a few quick thoughts for you.
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Getting out of the Friend Zone: Tip #143
January 5, 2009
A few weeks ago, I sent an email out about how to shift your relationship with a girl from ‘friend’ to something more. If you’re not on my mailing list, sorry… its been closed for about six months now (but I’m about to reopen it).
Anyway, a reader sent this tip in and I thought I’d share it:
Another thing I’ve found useful to spark that attraction in a friend-zone [hah, now I remember that my whole involvement with "the community" started when a friend told me to google the ladder theory] is to do some new and unique activities with her, preferably some that frame you in a brilliant, leading role. It all helps to recreate her definition of you and how she feels, of course.
Great advice, especially about doing anthing that has you in a brilliant, leadership role. Thanks J!
Also, my friend Stephen Nash wrote a great article about why most guys DON’T change and don’t keep their new year’s reoslutions. Fantastic read right here.
How to Be Fascinating
December 29, 2008
Here’s a quick and easy way to make yourself a LOT more interesting and relatable.
When you’re talking about your job, a hobby, an interest, etc… pick a factoid - like one of the things you’d find on the underside of a Snapple bottle cap - about that activity, and teach it.
For example, I like to race cars. There are a million little things I can teach about it, but one of the facts which is easiest to relate is about tires. My conversation might go something like this:
“So this is kind of interesting… racing tires rarely squeal, so you don’t know when you’re about to spin if you’re pushing them hard. Have you ever been driving and had your tires squeal (wait for answer - if you’re flirting, you can say something like “of course you have, you’re a woman, and ALL women are bad drivers.” this should obviously be used with discretion and based on how well you’re getting along with her). Of course - so there’s an interesting reason for that. Rubber doesn’t ALWAYS squeal - its just that commercial tires are engineered that way so that drivers know when they’re getting themselves into trouble. They build the squeal into the tires…”
From there, you could jump back into talking about the hobby, about her experiences driving, etc. And most importantly, get her to teach you something about her life. People love to be experts.
You can do this about anything. When I had my software company, I used to teach people about how encryption worked. I have a friend who does this regarding his zoology major. If you feel so compelled, use the comments here to leave a teachable fact about your life - I’ll get back to you and give you my thoughts if you ask for them, and I’m sure the other readers would love to learn from you.
The Social Matrix
December 27, 2008
Anyone who has ever found themselves in love will understand that it is largely an unconscious process. In other words, we don’t choose who we are attracted to – it just “happens,” without any logical reasoning.
But let’s step back and consider what it is when two humans – Joe and Mary – interact with each other. There is a nonstop exchange of information, in the forms of:
• Their physical appearances
• The content of their words
• The emotions and “vibe” behind those words
• The non-verbals, such as body language and eye contact
There is something about the way Joe is wired that uniquely enjoys Mary’s curves. And Mary gets turned on by Joe’s vocal tonality. In each others’ eyes, they sense excitement and a potential for something more. And as they continue to interact, there is a feedback loop. Joe makes Mary laugh, and she touches him gently on the arm in return. Their physical proximity begins to increase, helplessly, and soon they find it impossible to resist a kiss.
On a sort of metaphysical level, what is happening here?
Joe and Mary are exchanging many forms. The form of Joe’s vocal tonality is different than that of his friend Mike’s, and the form of Mary’s laugh is different than that of her friend Tracy’s.
Consider it in this context – supermodel Alessandra Ambrosio and talk show host Rosie O’Donnell are two different representations of the form “woman.” For reasons we won’t get into here, most men find Ms. Ambrosio far more attractive than Ms. O’Donnell, and would prefer to look at her, talk with her, etc.
Ultimately, human interactions can be reduced to the exchange of forms: a nonstop process of expressing, receiving feedback, and interpreting that feedback.
We enjoy this feedback loop when the forms are to our liking, and certain forms are generally more compelling and attractive than others. A slender yet curvy female physique is typically preferred by men, while a deep and smooth vocal tone, for example, is typically preferred by women.
Interestingly, much of this processing happens subconsciously. In his book Social Intelligence, Psychologist Daniel Goleman writes of emotional contagion; for example, how an unshakably happy person can “infect” an unhappy person merely by the strength of their emotion. In this way, even the emotions exchanged in an interaction have a particular form.
THE ROOT OF ATTRACTION
Each form has a value. This value represents the quality of experience we have with that form. We’ll place a higher value on forms which make us feel better and which help us more.
To put this in very clear terms, consider the classic 1-10 ranking system for female looks. Most men would rank Ms. Ambrosio a 9 or a 10, while Ms. O’Donnell would fall far lower on the scale. While we aren’t running around talking about the “value of Alessandra Ambrosio’s form relative to Rosie O’Donnell’s,” we have nonetheless created a ranking system for gauging that value and expressing it amongst ourselves.
Consider, though, that there are probably a few men out there who would prefer Ms. O’Donnell’s looks. Admittedly, this number is probably low – but as my father likes to say, there’s no accounting for taste.
In metaphysical terms, what’s going on here? Well, each and every human has a unique value system which accounts for their unique preferences. In this definition, you can consider your value system to be something which extends beyond your political leanings and cultural preferences – think of it as a filter, of sorts, that processes all of the information you receive, and assigns a value to it.
The smell of fresh-baked bread has a certain value to you.
The experience of playing a video game has a certain value to you.
The interaction you have with a member of the opposite sex has a certain value to you.
These values are a combination of nature and nurture – our biological programming, and our social conditioning. They account for personal preferences between such things as blondes vs. brunettes and Jay-Z vs. Nas.
What does this all come down to? Well, the root of attraction is thus: when a form has a value which is a match for your value system, attraction happens. Think of it as a key fitting into a keyhole. The key is the form, its unique shape is its value, and the shape of the keyhole is the value system.
Never are we more attuned to a person’s value than within the first thirty seconds of meeting them. We pay close attention to their sub-communications to make determinations about their value, relative to ours. Attraction can happen instantly between two people when they quickly have a value match.
Values can be compromised by alcohol, and other environmental and situational factors.
Some men may prefer tall women. Some men may prefer smart women. Some men may prefer red-haired Eskimo women with Ph.D.’s in Molecular Biology. Our preferences for the “right” combination of forms are never made more aware to us than when we are in love, and owing to the uniqueness of the experience of all of these forms at one time, love is always a pleasure, and true love is always rare.
But what we may love one year may be different than that which we love five years later. As we grow, our value systems change relative to what they were when we were first in love with a person. If our partners’ do not evolve in some tandem, we may fall out of love, grow bored, or lose interest.
Critically, we each have a conception of our own value. Witness the woman who only dates rich men, or the man who never sees himself as being able to date tall women. Every person has a conception of the world, or a frame of reality, that assigns different values to different people, places and things. So while the man may never see himself as being able to date a tall woman, he may be utterly indifferent if that is not something that he values.
THE SOCIAL MATRIX: VALUE EXCHANGE IN PRACTICE
As part of our day to day awareness, we are constantly making unconscious calculations about the value of the people, places and things in our lives. We are attracted to things of equal or higher value, and we lose attraction for things with lower value.
Critically, we are rarely reactive to things with lower value than our self-perception, but we can become very reactive to things with perceived higher value. Crushes and obsessions typically form when one individual ascribes a level of value to the other in a way which is not reciprocated. In other words, the interaction, as experienced by both parties, is qualitatively different – better for the crusher than for the crushee. Obsessions – whether felt positively or negatively – are typically the result of tremendously over-valuing the other party.
While there is no fixed “higher” value, we are greatly influenced by cultural and social standards. Luxury and aspirational brands draw their economic premium from the standard of higher value which has been created as part of their inherent quality, their marketing and of how well cool-makers have adopted them.
Our value systems are mostly unconscious; even with a track record of having dated five brunettes in a row, a blonde may come along and knock our socks off.
Our value systems are complex; we may find a girl who matches what should be our exact criteria, with the exception of her man hands, and find ourselves unable to become aroused by her.
Our value systems are subject to change. The girl we lusted over in the city of 10,000 residents may no longer be as compelling after moving to the big city and experiencing more beautiful, cultured, and intelligent women.
We have a term called falling into a person’s frame, which means that we essentially accept someone else’s value system, or frame of reality, as being more compelling than our own. A particularly charismatic singer of a small-time rock band may lead an impressionable and innocent young woman to dye her hair, cover herself in tattoos, and start doing drugs – he has presented a more interesting frame of reality than hers.
Most humans have a long-term social strategy of building value, and aligning themselves with people of high value. In her teens and early twenties, a young woman may seek connections with ‘cool’ guys and promoters. As she grows, her definition of high value may change to a man with a good job and career prospects.
It should follow on from all of this reasoning, then, that beautiful women are generally perceived as high value for their appearance alone. There is perhaps no greater example of this than in New York, Los Angeles, and Miami, where exceptionally beautiful women are essentially paid to attend clubs and parties. Their high physical value brings other value in the form of wealthy men. Thus we see another rule of attraction: value attracts value.
Whether this is all valuable to you, of course, depends on whether those things are important to your value system.
A person who has experienced a recent value spike – in the form of a promotion, a new car, or a surge of confidence from something that is hidden even from his consciousness – will find himself attracting more people. He will carry himself with a new swagger, represented primarily through his subcommunications, that engenders intrigue and excitement in others.
Conversely, a person who has experienced a recent value drop – the loss of a boyfriend, for example – may have several instinctive responses. She may become insecure about her other alignments, and grasp onto them more tightly. Alternately, she may continue to make assertions of how popular or desired she is, reasserting her value to herself and anyone who will listen.
Interesting things happen when a social group is created. A social group typically has a leader, who sets the values of the group. That leader may consciously or subconsciously have criteria for intelligence, physical appearance and social grace, and will cultivate relationships with those who add value to the environment which he or she is trying to create or experience.
In social sciences, the term “add value” has recently taken hold as a catch-all phrase for being socially savvy. It is critical to understand that this concept is relative amongst individuals, and to a certain extent, a function of the environment. A truly socially intelligent individual will calibrate to the norms of the people around them and contribute to that group in a way which may be different than how he or she would contribute to another group.
People accept as a leader the person who is most sure of his or her values – or frame of reality – and who can create the most compelling reality for them to experience. The grade schooler with older sisters is exposed to more unique music and other cultural elements to which the other kids are not, and thus, may set the “coolness” value for the group.
In the broader social context of “mass society,” the cool-makers are the individuals who create art, music, other expressive media, or even catch-phrases that are quickly enjoyed and adopted by others. History will decide whether Kanye West is seen as the voice of this generation, of this decade (his words), but he certainly creates “coolness” in his music and his style. With his constant references to Louis Vuitton and Gucci, he also creates a virtuous value cycle for himself and for other high-value brands.
Being cool and on the inside of a trend, then, means close access to cool-makers or their creations. Many social leaders have the greatest access or ability to create new or interesting forms of value that have the potential to achieve mass appeal – whether that be a new hip-hop single, a new club or restaurant opening, or a new interpretation of God’s word.
Critically, the flip-side of value is accessibility. If we believe that the value we seek is something we deserve, we feel secure in accessing it. However, if we doubt our ability to attract and hold that form of value, insecurity and defensiveness may hold us back from accessing it.
Interestingly, it is this sense of deservedness, or permission, which creates confidence. When women say that they are looking for a confident man who is just being himself, what they mean is that they want a man who is utterly comfortable with his own value. This man’s verbal and non-verbal communications will paint a picture that a fairly intuitive woman will understand. It is part of a person’s journey to find their own permission factors - those things they’ve achieved and created which will give them confidence in their own
value. The higher a person’s standards, typically, the higher his or her permission factors.
Becoming confidently self-aware is a matter of understanding one’s own permission factors and cultivating them; this is what many people refer to as discovering their purpose, or mission in life. It may involve the development of skills - in this realm, social skills - that allow a person to be socially calibrated and effective.
But what of the young man who was confident from day 1? The person who never thought these things through? Typically, they clued into the right forms of social expressiveness without much introspection;
in other words, they just “get it.”
Others may have experienced challenges in childhood or teenage years which lead them to act confidently later in life. We refer to this not as the genuine confidence of self-awareness and skill, but as blind confidence of insecurity. In this case, the person’s permission factor may best be summarized as “screw everyone else, I’m doing what I want.” These people may eventually develop a level of self-awareness and genuine confidence, or they may one day experience a value shock when they lose something, the value of which was not apparent until it disappeared. These people are smacked in the face with their value systems, and their entire frame of reality is challenged.
Another form of insecurity often rears its head when we feel out of place relative to the value of our environment. We may be intellectually, physically or socially outclassed, and rather than acknowledge the value disparity and either remove ourselves from the group, or accept a subordinate position, we may attempt to attack the environment’s value itself, or that of the people in it. Usually, we merely wish to fit in, but unable to do that, we become defensive or contemptuous.
Two classic examples of this are the girl who tells herself “I wouldn’t want to be a part of that scene anyway” or the man who reflexively refers to the woman who just rejected him as a “dumb bitch”.
In extreme cases, we may want so intensely to access that environment’s value that we plot, spread rumors, and make secretive alliances. Rather than add value to a the group or environment, we drag the whole group’s value down to our level.
This also happens in relationships between two people; a man may put on a good show for a woman in the first few weeks of dating, only to be wrought with insecurities which later plague the relationship. These may be expressed in the form of abuse, lack of support for her goals, friends and social outlets, or indifference – all low value forms which are meant to make the man feel more comfortable and secure.
All of these examples are meant to illustrate the social matrix – the nonstop exchange that occurs between an individual and another individual, or an individual and a group.
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The ideas presented here are the result of much thought and research. Influences include Robert Pirsig, David Tian, Owen Cook, David DeAngelo, and Philip Zimbardo.
Attraction Isn’t Static
December 22, 2008
One of the common things you hear guys say is that “I can get attraction, but…” or “I can’t get attraction.”
If you’re speaking like this, you’ve probably read some of the Mystery Method stuff where there are three “phases” to a conversation - attraction, comfort and seduction.
But what people usually mean to say when they talk like this is “I can get a girl into me” or “I can’t get a girl into me.”
Here’s the thing - attraction isn’t static. You don’t get it then always have it. This seems obvious when you think about it, but its not how a lot of guys think about it.
If you get a girl into you in the first three minutes - enough so that she’ll continue to talk to you - then that’s great. But if you introduce her to your friends and they are all making fun of you, hitting on her, and you’re not doing anything about it, she’s going to lose interest mighty fast.
Don’t mistake “opening a conversation successfully and generating interest” for attraction. The latter can come and go in the blink of an eye.
Female Psychology, as Reported by a Female
December 19, 2008
Today we have a guest post from a good female friend of mine, who goes by the name Model Behavior. I love her writing and have learned a lot from her, and I highly suggest that you start reading her website at www.SelfAbsorbed.me, a site where several smart females write about dating and relationships. And please share your thoughts here - I’m hopeful that she’ll contribute every now and then in the future.
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I’ll admit that women are crazy.
We are.
But not all of our nuttiness is undecipherable. In fact, I firmly believe any guy can give a woman that ‘swept off her feet’ feeling by following a myriad of relatively simple guidelines. When Christian asked me to shed some light on the female psychology and detail how a woman ends up making out in the coat closet with one guy while not giving the time of day to another, I thought I’d focus on seduction Dos, not Don’ts.
Here we go:
Eye Contact. We’ve all heard it a thousand times before, but I have to repeat. Eye contact is everything. It makes you appear confident, builds sexual tension, and actually makes a woman feel like you care about her. And it’s the best trick in the book since it’s so easy to do. All it takes is practice.
Challenge: Every time you have a conversation with someone, woman, friend or coworker, quiz yourself afterwards about what color their eyes were. “Brown” and “blue” don’t cut it. You should be reporting back stuff like “green with yellow specs” or “ice blue with large pupils.”
Initially, this might be challenging since you have to listen to them and do color documentation at the same time. You’ll adjust quickly. Even if you miss everything the person said, if you’re studying their eyes that carefully, they’ll have NO idea you were tuned out.
Put Yourself in Context. Women are animals too. If the sexual connection is there, we probably want to rip your clothes off just as badly as you want to strip off ours. We just need you to make it okay for us to do so by assuring us you’re not a psycho, a rapist, or a male version of Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction.
Why do you think we ask you:
Where you grew up?
Went to school?
And where you work?
It’s not because we’re gold digging bitches (at least not most of us). We’re just trying to gauge if you’re SAFE. There are lawyers who are also ax-murders so this is not a proven method, but trying to figure out where someone fits in the universe doesn’t hurt either. If you volunteer this kind of information, we’ll like you that much more, that much more quickly.
Slip it as early as possible where you went to college, what job you have, and if you have a dog (we all think men with dogs = men ready for commitment). Provide the conversational infrastructure so we can figure out if we have friends in common. If we do, you’re pretty much stamped, sealed, and approve as ‘non-life threatening.’
House Parties Are Your Friend. On a similar note to above, let me disclose that I’m far more open to meeting men at a friend’s house than at a club. A guy approaching me at a bar could be anyone, literally. A man approaching me at a friend’s home or apartment is clearly a friend-of-a-friend. By being inside the four walls of a person I know’s apartment, the chances you’re a sketchy predator are slim.
No Whining. Women love talking about their problems. It’s therapeutic. It’s how we feel connected with others. This doesn’t mean we want you to reciprocate.
Accuse me of having a caveman mentality, but I like men because they are masculine –i.e. chock full of testosterone and different from me. I don’t like men because they’re effeminate whiners who complain about their problem and hand mix their own hair products.
Be Masculine. Vague right? Well let me break it down into doable points:
- Command our attention and command the room. Sustain eye contact. Know how to talk to the bartender with authority and kindness – as if he was your little brother’s best friend.
- Help us into our coat, pull out chairs, open car doors. Once you know what we want to eat or drink, order for us. On the sidewalk, make sure you’re walking closest to the curb. Be strong yet polite to anyone’s path we cross. This stuff is so easy!
- Think ahead. On a fist date, my guy was closing our bar tab while the hostess took me to our table. I asked her to direct him to our table as well, and she responded ‘Oh he knows where it is. He requested this table especially. It’s the best in the house.’ Shallow, but the fact that he’d taken the time to do this was a huge turn on. This dinner was so well-thought (and consequently sexy) that it took five more dates with the guy before I realized he was an utter douchebag. And that’s not the point. The point is that the ‘wow factor’ of a simple move like this was so powerful.
Being a Good Dancer Never Hurt. Anecdote number two: I’m at a party and this short, moderately attractive guy with a great sense of style, great eye contact, and killer dance moves stole my heart. He was like an immigrant from Bulgaria working as a hair stylist or something, but carried himself like he was a Serbian prince. His confidence and charisma set this magical mood that was okay to have fun and okay to feel attracted to him. Dancing in public as a man requires serious confidence, serious dance lessons or both. Not many men are good dancers so me and every other vagina in the room was vying for a spin on the dance floor with him, finally enacting the Sleeping Beauty / Cinderella-esque dancy fantasy we’ve had since infancy. Use the fact that most men are horrible dancers to your advantage and let yourself stand out.
My last two humble pieces of advice are contradictory, depending on your intentions.
If you want to fling:
Give Yourself Permission to Sexual. I’m at a loss of words of how precisely to describe this, all I know is that it involves extreme eye contact, confidence, and subtle, non-skeezy touching. Set up a romantic mood right out front and don’t let her get out if it. The best example I can give: A guy who went in for a kiss which I denied him. He confronted me immediately with: “I want to kiss you.” Nervous and surprised at his bluntness, I told him I didn’t make out with people in public.
“I totally understand,” he said, “Meet me in the bathroom.” He turned and left, not waiting for my response.
Did I show up?
Yes.
If you want more than a fling:
Play the Friend. Christian once told me he assumes all women are friends until proven otherwise. He knows his stuff. If you do all of the above without getting too touchey-feely or pushing for a kiss, we’ll start to get obsessed. It’s like, “I think this guy likes me. He acts like he likes me. But he’s not making the first move! What’s WRONG?!” It’ll infuriate us in a great way. We’ll wonder if we’re not attractive enough, flirting back harder. It’ll make us want you even more. We’ll be desperate for you to touch us instead of worried that you’re trying to get in our pants. Tease us out as long as possible. It’ll be worth the wait.
All women are different, but most likely, we want the same things you do: to feel appreciated and safe with someone who makes our life happier and simpler. For more girl talk, relationships rants and fun dating quips, be sure to check out my comedy site www.SelfAbsorbed.me
The “Gotcha” Mindset
December 17, 2008
Over the years that I’ve been teaching this stuff, I’ve noticed trends in thinking and behavior that come up again and again in clients. Certainly, each client is an individual and has unique strengths and weaknesses, but the things that make some successful and hold others back are always of interest to me.
One of the most strikingly bad habits of thinking that I see in clients is what I call the “gotcha” mindset. Now don’t get me wrong - this is not exclusive to guys in the community. It does, however, seem to be more endemic to community guys, and is a big contributor to the “creepy” factor.
The thought loop goes something like this:
1.) This person is probably going to hurt me - either they are too high value and I can’t access it comfortably, or they are sneaky and will do something bad to me when the time is right
2.) I’m going to look for an opportunity to catch them doing something so I can call them out on it
3.) Furthermore, I’m going to try to get them back. We’ll show them what’s what.
You can see the root very clearly: defensiveness. If we believe that someone is going to hurt us, our guard pops up, and depending on how we read the other person, we might actually go on the attack. Let’s illustrate with a few examples.
I was at a few holiday parties last night, and am always happy to tell people about what I do and The Social Man (because I believe in it and I know we’re genuinely helping guys). But every now and then, I meet someone who immediately equates this to The Game or The Pickup Artist, and such was the case with a woman who we’ll call Jane. As I would learn, she was in her mid-thirties, divorced, and had been hurt by quite a few men she’d dated. She quickly closed herself off to conversation with me, and at two separate points in the evening, she interrupted conversations I was having with other girls to tell them to watch out for my “social man moves.”
She had clearly thought that she’d gotten me - seen through me and upended me at my game. Nevermind that I wasn’t “gaming” these girls. Her lack of intellectual curiousity about who I am and what I teach was enough to tell me that she was a generally defensive person.
In this case, this woman’s defensiveness was directed against one person - me - and compelled her to get, well creepy. Even the girls I was supposedly using my “moves” on apologized for this woman’s behavior. Now let’s move on and look at how this thought loop might play itself out on a broader scale.
We’ll start with a comment from our SREM video yesterday which read “wahahah love how nick’s constantly teasing her pu**y”. I edited out the last part because frankly, its not something I want on this website.
In this “secret society” world of seduction, there is a message which is understood but rarely spoken - “women have the power, and we need to work in concert to take it back.” It is a defensiveness, not just to a single person, but to a whole sex.
So there are general rounds of applause and accolades when they see a guy “seduce” a woman, or even spike her buying temperature with flirting. And on one hand, its very cool to see a guy with good social skills who is able to make women laugh. But the moment that the thought loop of “he got her” starts running, it cheapens the whole experience.
This is NOT how to love and respect women. While an awareness of the games they play is important, entering an interaction with anything resembling the “gotcha” mindset is not emotionally healthy.
And perhaps more importantly, entering any interaction with the assumption that someone else is higher value than you is a weak, weak frame. In my mind, the only people at a venue with immediately higher value than me are the doorman, the hosts, and the owners, because they can decide whether or not I’m allowed to be there. Everyone else is just a potentially cool person waiting to be met and discovered, and I’m a fun, fascinating guy who is always going to bring something great to the experience.
Holiday Gift For Ya
December 14, 2008
About two weeks ago, I started playing with some DJ’ing software called Traktor, and a Behringer BCD3000 controller lent to me by my friend Charlie. This past weekend, Charlie and I hit the decks at our Holiday party, and had a BLAST doing it. I even managed to sync my guitar hero controller to the Mac, and use the buttons on it to hit various cue points, which is hugely geeky. But it is also pretty dope when you step out from behind the booth and can still control the set ;)
So, rather than release some new dating or social skills advice podcast as a holiday “gift”, I thought I’d share the live mix of my set. There’s something in here for everyone, and if you play this at YOUR holiday party, it will almost certainly get the girls dancing.
Scratching on the behringer is almost impossible, so one or two of the transitions here are kind of abrupt, but I think you’re going to like it.
Download it by clicking here, and should you want iTunes album artwork, go ahead and click on the image for a 500×500 jpg.
Full Song List:
Twist & Shout - The Beatles
Live Your Life - T.I. feat. Rihanna
The Good Life - Kanye West feat. T-Pain
Free Fallin’ - Tom Petty
Guantanamera - Wyclef Jean
Laura - Scissor Sisters
Da Funk (Daft Punk) + This Love (Maroon 5) Mashup
Low (flo rida) + I Think I’m In Love (Deep Dish) Mashup
I Got A Woman - Ray Charles
Gold Digger - Kanye West feat. Jaime Foxx
What I Got - Sublime
Heartless - Kanye West
King Without A Crown - Matisyahu
Snow (Hey Oh) - Red Hot Chili Peppers
Mr. Brightside - The Killers
Whatever You Like - T.I.
Champagne Supernova - Oasis
Paper Planes (D.F.A. Remix) + Paper Planes (MIA)
Bye Bye Bye - *Nsync
Umbrella - Rihanna (feat. Jay-Z)
Time to Pretend - MGMT
Intergalactic - Beastie Boys
MMMbop - Hanson
She Drives Me Crazy (FYC) + 99 Problems (Jay-Z) Mashup
Jack & Diane (John Mellencamp) + Stronger (Kanye West)
Day N’ Night (Crookers Remix) - Kid Cudi
Human - The Killers
Love Generation - Bob Sinclar
Sweet Child O’ Mine - Guns N’ Roses
Sweet Child O’ Mine (Mylo Remix) - Flatpack
Rise Up - Yves Larock
Say Hello (Paul Van Dyk Remix) - Deep Dish
Being a Good Party Host
December 14, 2008
Where to start? Well, let’s make this one a “quick tip”.
When you introduce your guests to each other, tell them something interesting about each other, or how you relate to them. Here are a few examples.
The Common Interest Intro: “So I want you to meet John. He’s just started a new information aggregation site that also has a cool futures market built into it. John, Adam here used to be an FX trader - he might have something good to say about it.”
The “Trouble” Intro: “Oh hey, this is Mike. He’s an old friend from college - we used to get into a lot of trouble together.”
The Over the Top Compliment Intro: “Hey, have you met Julie yet? She’s one of my bffs. Wait, am I allowed to have more than one? Well it doesn’t matter, she’s like number 1 now.”
The Self-Deprecating Intro: “Hey Dawn, do you know Dave? He’s like my brother, and I mean, I got the looks, but he absolutely got the brains.”
I’m sure there are a million others - hopefully these give you a basic idea.
Most of the time, introductions at parties take the form of “so how do you know the host?” You can make things MUCH easier for your guests if you provide just a little bit of momentum to get them going.
Battle Scars
December 7, 2008
The bass beat in my ears as my heart pounded with fear and insecurity. She gazed into my eyes, unflinching, and pounded me with question after question, leaving me all the more clueless and speechless, nervous as to what would come next from her lush red lips. Inside, the burning passion for those juicy lips, her brazen gold skin, and almond green eyes amplified the frustration and anxiety which ravaged my thoughts as I opened my mouth to speak but froze up. She looked at me with a sinister grin and turned her attention to something else of more interest and value. I just stood there, thinking, “what should I say?” and “how can I grab her attention again?” but by this time, it was game over. She was already far gone, and I had once more become nothing but wall paper, isolated and alone at the side of that college bar, feeling that all too familiar emotion of being lost and confused. I was once again oozing with lower value hesitant to approach any more sets because those memories of that painful rejection haunted my weakening confidence. I looked at my boys I came to the bar with, and they were just chilling without any booty. I pretended like I was tired, said I was going back to the dorm to sleep early, and left once more alone, with no one waiting for me back home but a computer and high speed internet.
There are many reasons my blogs reek with failure, depression, and angst. There are many reasons why my game did not improve even after reading the e-book, “Conquer your Campus” and the vast library of seduction material. There are still many reasons why my life is not filled with beautiful women and I’m still not the coolest guy on campus. The first and biggest mistake of coming into the game is thinking that it’s a game. Scrubs memorize lines and canned-openers and routines, walk into a bar, get some numbers, act to demonstrate higher value, and maybe even kiss-close. As a scrub, I worked on some openers and routines to perfection and even got the digits and kiss close in bars or clubs, but despite all that, I could still not bring many beautiful women into my life, because in reality, I had no life…
That night at that bar, that particularly beautiful girl peered into my life through her fierce and unrelenting glare, and the friendly conversation turned into a cruel interrogation, in which I was absolutely disqualified. She saw me for the empty wallpaper that I was, and as soon as her spotlight went somewhere else, I withered away into nothingness. Pickup techniques can delay her from seeing that void you have in your life, and you may even become lucky enough to meet her again, maybe get a superficial hug and kiss from her later on, and if you’re particularly good at acting and getting her drunk, trick her into your artificial lair for a one night stand, only to wake up and find her staring at you awkwardly.
Many people turn to “Conquer your Campus” and to me with the wrong purpose of learning more college game techniques, but in essence, the message and central thesis around CYC is plain and simple, “Get a life.” It’s a harsh message, glossed over with many explanations about how to become a 20% alpha male in various social settings, but it all points to the brutal truth that in order to be the man, you need to get a life.
If you’re reading this and thinking, what can I do to get a life? Then you’re probably still a scrub. The problem with scrubs is, they look at their life and think that they have no life. If you’re expecting me to tell you that you should go to the gym, go out to parties, and find a hobby like dancing because that is cool and that is what girls like, then you are still thinking like a scrub. They let other people tell them that their life is not cool, or suffer from inferiority and automatically think that people will view their life as not cool. If there is a first step to becoming the social man on your campus is by acknowledging that your life is the coolest thing ever. All your experiences, all your emotions, all the people in your life define who you are, and it’s up to you to perceive those things as cool or not. This ruggedly individualistic attitude stems from a belief that cannot be faked, no matter how good one’s game- and this belief is self-respect.
I came into the game thinking it would get me girls, but instead it gave me something far more precious. After numerous attempts at demonstrating to be a man of higher value, I realized that men of higher value do not simply demonstrate it for the ladies- they live and breathe it. I had no pride in my life, which I perceived as a dull and embarrassing. I was ashamed of my foreign parents with their funny accents and stringently conservative views, of my dorky little brother who always tried to best me in everything, of the fact that I had grown up poor in a underprivileged neighborhood, of the fact that I had to receive geeky violin lessons and practice hard, while my friends played, of the fact that I was Asian, which automatically stereotyped me as a nerd, of the fact that my name was Johan, which put me under the same label of the weird European composers, and of fact that I did not have the picture perfect face, or the natural athleticism and popularity of those better than me. In my shame and ignorance, I did not see that it was my parent’s love and nurture that enabled me to grow tall and strong. I did not see that in reality, my brother idolized me, and no matter what I did, to him, I was the coolest on earth. I did not see that it was growing up in that tough neighborhood that enabled me to make do with what I had, even in the most frugal circumstances. I did not see that it was those violin lessons that taught me perseverance and character, and I still not only manifest those traits, but also use those vibrating and romantic strings to lull even the most beautiful of women. Ultimately, I did not see that the things I did not have helped me build what I did have with fire, and not flash, that after failing, I only grew stronger, and the more I suffered, the more motivated I became to succeed. As Kanye West puts it, “People talk shit, but when the shit hits the fan, everything I’m not made me everything I am.” The game gave me battle scars, as I struggled to achieve this level of self-respect and confidence. And each of those battle scars is living testament to my social proof of higher value. And I’m going to keep on doing what I love, because I know that whatever I do is of higher value.
I followed my friend to a college party back home. After being in NYC for so long, I missed the old keg parties, the games of beer pong and flip cup, the keg stands and free booze, the house parties, and the feeling of the college community. More importantly, I missed the drunk and crazy college girls gone wild. Now armed with confidence, CYC tactics, and additional pieces of information about girl psychology from Christian and Sparks, I was ready to hustle.
I went in with my friend, whose friend owned the house. Started running the room, gave love to everyone from the cutest of girls to the outlier guys (no homo), lost way too many games in beer pong, held a keg stand for way longer than I should have, and was just having a freaking good time. I was dominating, girls were sending me IOI’s, I was spitting straight out Nick Spark’s irresistible brand of humor with some tailor-made Christian Hudson push-pulls, and the sparks of attraction that I had initiated were putting the roof on fire; I was having a blast. Suddenly, these two cute half-Asian girls entered my kingdom, and I went over to welcome them to the party that was me. They were talking about Harry Potter (weird, girls still do talk about the lovable HP), and I automatically ran a frame on them pointing to one as Hermione (my trusty busty side kick), and the other as annoying Professor Umbridge (she was the target).
I gave some appreciation to them for being cool chicks by giving them a hug, and the rest of the room was looking at me as if I was a god. Since they were already playing into my frame, I casually told them, “Let’s get out of here and get something to eat.” I guess that would be my first mistake of that otherwise fun night: isolating with two girls by myself. I admit I got greedy.
As we started walking to the eat nearby, these girls started pounding me with questions, “Where you from?” and “Where did you grow up?” and “Which school you go to?” As I started to answer, I had to admit, I was getting bored with all these questions, and I started to answer superficially and submissively, stopped being the dominant and fun guy that I was back in that party. Then I started talking to this one girl intensively, and I realized that her friend was getting bored and uncomfortable.
Suddenly, the friend I wasn’t giving attention to pulls her friend away and said, “We know our way to bus stop from here.” I look at them confused, and followed them for a little longer, desperately trying to win back the set, until that weird girl goes, “Why are you following us, creep?” I was like wow- totally blown away. I tried to keep my composure, looked at her and said, “Stop trying to be cute.” I turned to her friend and said, “Nice meeting you,” and peaced out.
I had learned how to officially “spike buying temperature”, but once I had them isolated, they realized they didn’t know me and that’s why they started those rapid-fire questions, to which I admit I did not handle well, and even got annoyed at. Then, I made the girl’s friend uncomfortable by leaving her out of the conversation, and then even got defensive when they started asking me questions about my social life instead of controlling the frame and keeping the fun vibe going.
I have to admit, I was pissed off, but strangely, my confidence was undeterred. That shut down would definitely leave a scar in my pride, and that scar of pain and rejection would sting every time I approach hot girls as a reminder of potential. This scar, this failure, however, though painful at first, has only made me more determined to go out there, talk to more people, especially girls. This is my battle to attain that social life, which will be envy of men and god’s gift to all the beautiful women out there lucky enough to cross my path. And those initial and lingering battle scars of the past will remind of what I did wrong those countless nights when I was still a scrub, and help me from making the same mistakes. I had come to a point, after suffering failure and rejection time after time, and learning from those losses, where I am no longer hesitant or fearful to approach hot girls and welcome them into my good life.
“So TRY! They can’t steal your pride it’s inside, then find it and keep on grinding, cause in every dark could there’s a silver lining.
I know…”
-Lil Wayne
