How to Cure Neediness

November 22, 2009

How to Cure Neediness

This one was composed with the help of Christian Hudson and Nick Sparks. You should also be able to see a bit of influence from Sebastian Drake, too.

Dear Asian Rake David,

Quick question: I’ve got this nagging feeling of  ‘neediness’ that I haven’t been able to shake. I think I’ve been too influenced by having had a long-term relationship because my ex-girlfriend and I used to do everything together—watch movies, go on holidays, etc. I’m wondering if you ever experienced the same thing. Any tips on how to resolve this?

Yours, Mitchell

Hey Mitchell,

Yeah, I totally know what you mean. There is good news and bad news for you.

The bad news

In fact, what you are feeling is something that will probably take a long time to go away. For me, I continued to feel this in any slow period of my life. “Slow” as in I wasn’t busy with work AND I was only seeing one or two girls at the time. It took me over two years to learn how to control this feeling.

The good news

This is relatively easy to correct in the moment. But the corrective is more like a palliative. There is a deeper root issue that needs to be addressed in order to deal with this permanently.

For quick fixes, you should do stuff to change your emotional states.

1. Let it all out.

First, have a nice cry and self-pity session to let it all out, but keep it to less than a half hour or so. Do NOT contact any women when you are in this state.

Then, take immediate action.

2. Eliminate the mental garbage from pop media.

I find that throwing out all those pathetic, cheesy, girly, romantic-comedy movies was a significant factor. Especially avoid anything from Korea, lol. Instead, watch manly movies like Fight Club or Entourage.

Also, don’t listen to any songs having to do with love or romance. Yes, that’s the majority of pop songs. Instead, I like to listen to instrumental jazz or some martial classical music. It gets your mind moving in the right direction.

In Unbreakable, Christian and Nick discuss the difference between Jay-Z and Dashboard Confessional.  The latter is a whiny emo band and all of their songs are self-indulgent pity fests about how in love he is with some girl. The former, well how about this line… “Not guilty, he who does not feel me is not real to me, therefore he doesn’t exist so poof…vamoose son of a bitch.”  I always think about drawing conclusions between champs and chumps.

3. Talk it out with a good friend who will challenge you.

You could phone a good guy friend who is more mature than you, and just talk out your feelings of neediness with him. He should challenge you to man the fuck up and to help you realize how irrational you are feeling.

4. Take care of your biochemistry.

Watch what you eat. Do not indulge in sugary or oily foods. That bowl of ice cream or gravy-drenched poutine might make you feel better while you’re eating it, but you will pay emotionally and physically for a lot longer after you’re done.

Instead, fill your body with food that will nourish you and release good neurotransmitters. What you want is the good stuff—dopamine, serotonin, endorphins. Stock up on high protein foods like fish, chicken, eggs, almonds, and dark green veggies. You can also try high carbohydrate foods like whole grain bread and pastas, rice, cereal, and juicy fruits.

Hit the gym HARD. Work out your body. Do something physical. Reconnect with your physicality so that you’re not always in your head. Do some martial arts. Hit the punching bag. Jump in the ring and do some sparring.

As a sidenote, every Asian man (indeed, every man) should master some martial art. I did Kung Fu and Tae Kwon-do as a kid, rising to the level of a junior black belt by the time I hit high school. But I hadn’t done much training since then until I moved to Singapore, where I quickly discovered martial arts gyms on every corner, including some martial arts clubs with full-on boxing rings, Muay Thai rings, MMA cages, and the works. I’ve since gotten a private trainer for Krav Maga, and it’s been awesome for physical conditioning, preparing me for street fighting, and making me feel more balanced and centered emotionally and mentally.

For a good long-term fix, as well as a short-term kick, Nick advises “drop and go compliments”—dropping random compliments, then leaving. The key is walking away without hesitation after you deliver it. You’re not looking for anything back from her. You’re not allowed to even concern yourself with her response. Just drop and go. That way you’re both giving and tempering yourself to turn your back on a woman, a necessary talent in today’s day and age.

But really these are just band-aid solutions.

THE REAL SOLUTION: The real problem is that you are not yet complete by yourself. You are still looking for external things to complete you. In this case, you are looking for the companionship of a woman.

You need to learn to be content with yourself and all by yourself, like you are stranded on a deserted island all by yourself but you know you’ll still be okay. Sure, it’d be great to have around you lots of people who love you. But you see that as a luxury, not a necessity.

Think of Tom Hanks in the movie, Castaway. Could you deal with that situation if that were you? Would you be cool if all your friends and family deserted you, like literally, cut themselves off from you? Then you’d have no one else to turn to but yourself for strength. That’s what you gotta be like to get rid of this neediness feeling permanently. You’ve got to be okay with being on your own. You’ve got to be a real man.

For me, it still comes occasionally. But that’s usually when I’ve watched too many sappy movies, listened to too many sappy songs, pigged out on sugary foods and not worked out for a few days, and have only been hanging out with women.

One key resource is The Way of the Superior Man by David Deida. Find your current purpose in life. Make women and all those other externals secondary. Also, for a macho manifesto of discipline, self-determination, and hustle, check out The 50th Law by 50 Cent and Robert Greene. These will help give you perspective on how to “man up.”

Play on, The Asian Rake

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How to Use Cocky Funny Correctly

October 28, 2009

We’ve all heard about the ubiquitous 80/20 principle first developed by Vilfredo Pareto in the context of the distribution of income and wealth. My experience and observations have shown that the 80/20 rule applies to push-pull and cocky-funny as well.

After closely observing naturals who are masters at crazily rapid escalations and seductions, and after a lot of discussion about this with PUAs who have really tight game, I’ve discovered an important enhancement to the simplistic push-pull and cocky-funny concepts. This small bit of fine-tuning can shave hours off your seductions and create much stronger, closer emotional connections.

If you want to seduce a woman faster and have her more powerfully attracted to you, the optimal mix for a man who already has his fundamentals down (his body language, tonality, and basic inner game) and is interacting with a confident and attractive woman is 80% pull, 20% push.

I’m not going to be too strict about the numbers. But more accurately, the optimal combination depends on how good the man’s fundamentals are and how confident the woman is. It’s a continuum with the upper end of the continuum being 80-20 pull-push.

My experience has also been that push-pull is best mixed with humor. Plus, the pull and the push are opposite manifestations of cockiness. With push, you are cocky enough to think that you are too good for the girl, so you push her away. With pull, you are cocky enough to think that you are irresistible to her and to women in general, and you want her, so you pull her in.

Although there is plenty to say about this combination of push-pull and cocky-funny, I’ll leave that to another article. My focus here is on the 80/20 principle applied to the push-pull dynamic. I’ll assume here that it’s obvious that push-pull is closely connected to cocky-funny.

For the classic book on push-pull, see Swingcat’s ebook, Real World Seduction. For cocky-funny, the best authority is David DeAngelo. Check out his ebook, Double Your Dating, and his DVD series, Cocky Comedy. I assume at least familiarity with push-pull and cocky-funny as described in these resources. Christian Hudson and Nick Sparks at The Social Man are about to release a product that incorporates all the concepts in Swingcat and David D.’s books and then takes it all to another level. Watch at our site for the release. We’re good friends, so I’m a little biased.

What I say here is NOT for absolute newbies, who don’t yet have their fundamentals down (body language, tonality, and basic inner game). If you still don’t know what good BL&T looks, sounds, and feels like, stop reading this and figure that out first.

My point here applies to elite game. It’s for guys who want to know what it’s like to live in the top 10%, or higher, of men in this world. That’s not to say this is advanced. It’s just not for beginners.

A quickie definition of push-pull straight from the pen of Swingcat: “Push-Pull is whenever you emotionally push a woman away from you and, then, emotionally pull her back in. Each Push creates an emotional space for each Pull.” We’ll be filling this out as we go along.

Now let’s unpack the thesis statement.

While you can succeed using almost any combination of push and pull (e.g., 80% push-20% pull, 50% push-50% pull), the combination that will generate the fastest seductions and most powerful connections is 80-20 pull-push or in other words, 80% pull-20% push. This applies only if the following also hold:

a.   The man has good fundamentals (good body language, tonality, tight inner game and is hence non-needy, etc.). This also applies if he is physically attractive or is perceived by the woman to have high social value.

b.   The woman is unusually attractive in the man’s eyes, and she is confident about her value and attractiveness.

This relates to Believability http://www.doctorasianrake.com/?p=684

She needs to be able to be confident enough in her self-worth to accept your advances.

If both those elements are in place, then the fastest and most powerful route to sex is a mix of 80% pull-20% push.

[CAVEAT: If the man only has average fundamentals and the woman is only of average confidence in her own attractiveness and value, then the optimal mix is further down the continuum and closer to 50-50 push-pull.

This is because pulling a woman closer to you emotionally is only effective when you already have a basic level of attraction from the woman, and of course, we all know that this kind of attraction is largely independent of one's physical appearance. Over 90% of this kind of attraction is attributable to body language and tonality alone. That's why I call these the fundamentals. Your attitude and outlook are also crucial to pulling off the right BL&T, so I include inner game as a factor for the sake of completeness.]

Pushing a woman away is effective when a woman looks at you and doesn’t expect you to be cocky. It throws her off and is hence funny.

It’s like when a precocious child talks like an adult, using mature and sophisticated vocabulary, sentence structure, etc. It’s unexpected and incongruent with the kid’s image, and hence, kind of funny, and if done right, it’s admirable. Now imagine a 50 year old, sophisticated-looking man talking the same way. It’s not funny anymore. It’s just normal and expected.

Similarly, when a below average looking guy uses a lot of push cocky-funny, talking as if he’s too good for her and using humorous sarcasm, it’s attractive because the woman begins to wonder, “How can this guy be so cocky? He must have something going for him that I can’t see yet. But now I’m interested.” And because it’s done in a comedic way, she’s not offended, just intrigued.

Now if a guy who has his fundamentals down (good BL&T), a good-looking guy, or a guy perceived to have high value starts to push her away emotionally, she’s not intrigued.

Why? Because it’s obvious why this guy is so cocky. He’s good-looking, high-value, or has an attractive personality. It’s not funny anymore because it’s expected and congruent with his image. He just comes across cocky. For a guy like this to use cocky-funny, he has to really emphasize the humor and really cut down on the cocky part.

Most people overlook the fact that David D. himself acknowledged this in one of his newsletters:

“If you’re a pretty good looking guy, you might turn down the cocky, and turn up the funny. Women perceive good-looking guys who act cocky as MAJOR PLAYERS, and too much cocky too soon can backfire on you.”

More accurately, this isn’t just true for guys who are good-looking. If your fundamentals are strong, or you’re perceived as high-value, then it applies just as well to you. It’s the push dynamic that makes these high-value or good-looking guys come across as too unattainable. For guys like this, it’s best to use the pull dynamic more often and save the push dynamic for that 20% of dramatic contrast.

And obviously, when a guy with good fundamentals, attractive appearance, or high social value is perceived as a “major player,” it is very bad for his Believability.

You can do it the other way, of course. You can do mainly push and just a little pull, like 80% push and 20% pull. Or you can be very cocky and only a little funny. Sure, you can get success that way, too.

But for the most part, if your fundamentals are already strong, then:

a)   You can get much faster seductions by pulling her in more often than you can by pushing her away.

b)   You can get the girl to feel a deeper emotional bond with you by pulling more often than pushing.

Here’s why:

1. If your fundamentals are good, then you will be a relatively dominant, powerful, confident, charismatic, and emotionally steadfast man. Hence, girls (and most people in general) will naturally feel like following your lead. So when you tell a girl to sit down, she will feel a strong social and emotional pull to sit down. When you’re emotionally pulling a girl in by telling her to kiss you, she will have to work extra hard to resist. Most girls like a strong, dominant, powerful, confident, charismatic guy, and many girls have the fantasy of “being taken” by such a man. Any resistance they give to such a man is just token.

Thus, if you already have good fundamentals (BL&T and basic inner game), and you want to shave massive amounts of time off your seductions, you’re better off pulling the girl in more frequently than pushing her away because the chances are good she will give in more often than not.

Ah, but Asian Rake, when you push a girl away, doesn’t she want to pull you in? Isn’t that the whole point of pushing her away? You’ll get her chasing you.

Yes, to a certain extent, this is true. That’s why you STILL SHOULD PUSH. That’s the all-important 20%. In fact, by pulling most of the time, when you do finally push her away, it’ll feel that much more powerful to her.

If you’re a dominant guy, girls will feel pressure to follow your orders, and unless she’s very dominant herself, chances are good that she will NOT pull you in return every time. Chances are good that when you push her further away, she will follow your lead and remain further away.

Assuming the pushes and pulls are of about equal emotional intensity (that’s another variable I’m leaving out here), if you PULL more often than not, she might resist you at first, but then because you’re dominant, she’ll follow your lead and move closer to you emotionally and physically. If you PUSH more often than not, she might resist you at first, but then because you’re a dominant guy, she’ll follow your lead and move further away from you emotionally and physically.

Sure you can generate attraction with most combinations of push-pull. But what’s faster to sex? When she’s emotionally and physically closer to you, or when she’s emotionally and physically farther from you? It should be obvious.

This is how the best naturals I’ve seen get bathroom lays in less than 15 minutes.

It’s pull-pull-pull-pull-PUSH-pull-pull-pull-PUSH-pull-pull-pull to the bathroom.

2. By pulling more often than pushing, you can also create the deep emotional connections much faster.

If you’re continually pushing her away emotionally, however, how can she possibly feel an emotional connection? This should be obvious.

A far more efficient way to develop emotional connections is to pull her in emotionally.

One very effective kind of pull technique is in conjunction with screening and qualifying. If your Believability game is good then every qualification is actually a pull.

For instance, “Wow, you are really adventurous, I like that,” said in response to her little adventure story, is a great example of a pull.

When you stack enough of these, she’ll feel like you really appreciate her for her unique qualities. She’ll be saying to herself, “Wow, this guy really, truly, sincerely likes me for my special qualities.” And of course, she’ll want to open herself up and continue connecting with you.

Btw, this is also a key technique for creating the kind of emotional connections that will get girls to fall in love with you FAST. There are others, of course, like sharing secrets and using childhood regression, but this is one of the easiest to do.

Now let’s add the COCKY-FUNNY into the mix.

What exactly do I mean by Push Cocky-Funny vs. Pull Cocky-Funny?

Once again, probably the best way to illustrate what I mean is through examples.

PUSH COCKY-FUNNY

The prime proponent of this is David D. Let’s first talk about the internal mindset behind Push Cocky-Funny. David D. helpfully lays it all out in his Double Your Dating:

“I’m going to play hard to get, make fun of her, be indifferent towards her, and generally bust her balls as much as possible. I know that she loves a guy that is so sarcastic that it makes her nervous, so I’m going to really keep the heat on… and when she starts to show any interest at all on the outside, I’m going to blow her off and make her prove to me that she wants me… so I can reject her again.”

You notice that with this mindset, you’ll be pushing her away a lot more than you’ll be pulling her in. David D. follows this up with some now classic examples:

I do crazy things, like if I’m standing next to a girl at a bar, I’ll turn to her and say in a completely serious voice, “Will you PLEASE stop touching me?” And then look them right in the eye.

Or say, “What are you doing at a bar for godsakes? Can’t you find a nice normal guy? Or are you desperate?” All with a completely straight face.

I could go on forever, but you’re better off reading his ebook or watching his DVD series Cocky Comedy. Wow, I never thought I’d be plugging David D.’s materials, as if he needs to sell any more. LOL.

When most guy think “cocky-funny,” they’re thinking this kind of cocky-funny, which is what I call, “Push Cocky-Funny.”

PULL COCKY-FUNNY

This is my default style of cocky-funny, so I’ll give you one of my own examples.

I learned from a natural friend that this sort of thing is best done when you’re a little over the top or dramatically exaggerated in what you say and in your facial expressions, tonality, and body language.

This took place near the coat check of a huge nightclub, which is just about the only place in the club where you can talk without speaking right into her ear. A super cute, long-haired beauty walks by, and I jump in front of her with my hands slightly extended in front of my chest in a “stopping” motion with my palms out.

Me: OMG! (Then, with a sigh and a love-sick puppy dog look, I say after lowering my hands) I’m in love with you… Give me your number. (Pull #1)

HB (shocked): Huh? Are you crazy? Why?

Me (with an incredulous look on my face): Why? I mean, just look at you. You’re driving me crazy. It should be a crime for you to walk in public. (Pull #2)

HB (breaking out laughing): Where are you from?

Me: From? It doesn’t matter. I want your number. (Pull #3)

HB (laughing): No way. First tell me where you’re from.

Me: Okay, … guess.

HB: Um, China?

Me: Pretty close… (Taking a step closer to her so that we’re inches apart, I say in a quieter tone,) You know, you’re making me really nervous. My hands are all cold and sweaty. Here, feel. (Then, I take her hand in mine). (Pull #4)

HB (laughing): You’re not nervous.

Me (throwing off her hand and looking shocked): Are you calling me a liar? I’ve just confessed my deep dark love for you, and now you’re calling me a liar? That’s it. We’re getting a divorce… But I’m keeping the DVDs. You can have the dog. (Push #1)

HB laughed.

I said nothing and continued looking fake-mad.

HB said: “Okay, bye,” and started walking off.

Me: No, wait. You can’t go. I’ll be so sad… I’m going to go home and cry now (and then I slumped my shoulders as if completely sad and depressed). (Pull #5)

HB laughed.

Me (perking up and letting out a sly smile): Okay, give me your number.

HB (laughs): Okay.

We talked a little bit more, then I let her go back to her friends.

I texted her about an hour later, and she texted back, asking what I was doing tomorrow. The rest is history, which I may recount in a report once I work my way down the backlog of posts…

Notice the push-pull ratio here. That was 5 pulls to 1 push. The one push came after 4 pulls. In fact, I don’t even think that push was necessary.

This sort of Pull Cocky-Funny can get you super fast makeouts and, as my natural friends have shown, club bathroom sex.

There are many other tales to recount about naturals such as him, some of which you can find elsewhere on my site and some of which I might write about in the future. You’ll have to check back for those ☺

Another great example comes from Zan. Among the community old-timers, Zan is probably the best representative of this kind of cocky-funny. If you haven’t read any of his materials, check the mASF archives.

There are so many possibilities to choose from, but this conversation of his has stuck in my mind for a while now:

ZAN: Come out with me for a drink tonight. I will pick you
up at 7.

HER: I can’t. My boyfriend wouldn’t like it.

ZAN: Oh hey, I understand… let’s make it 8 then.

I never, ever worry about a woman’s resistance to me. If
she says she is not interested and leaves, no problem. But
if I ever see her again, I immediately go up to her, smile
and wink, and pick up right where I left off. As if she had
never resisted me in the first place. In other words, her
boyfriend objections (or whatever) mean nothing to me.

ZAN: (big smile) Hello, sweetie. Did you miss me?

HER: Hardly.

ZAN: I want to see you. Tell me your number and I’ll
remember it.

HER: No! I told you last time I have a boyfriend.

ZAN: Oh, so you’re still seeing Norman?

HER: Uh… his name’s not Norman.

ZAN: (smile, wink) Really? That’s very interesting. I have
two bottles of champagne at home.

HER: No thanks.

ZAN: One to drink and one to pour all over your body…

HER: You never give up, do you?

ZAN: Of course not! Wouldn’t be the same if I did, would
it?

HER (laughing) No, I suppose not…

I find this whole exchange completely charming and hilarious. Zan pulls her in about seven times. Just about everything he says is a pull.

He’s cocky because he believes that she’d be crazy to turn him down. So her objections don’t even register with him. This is the ideal kind of frame to be operating from when doing Pull Cocky-Funny.

So there you have it. Push Cocky-Funny vs. Pull Cocky-Funny. Both can work. But if you have good fundamentals (body language, tonality, and basic inner game), or you’re good-looking, or you have perceived high social value, and you’re interacting with a confident and attractive woman, then you can get faster seductions and make deeper connections by doing more Pull than Push, around 80%-20% is ideal. And keep it all funny ☺

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Scared of Rejection?

November 5, 2008

It’s the silent killer.

And chances are it’s destroying your success.

No matter how many books you read, no matter how many techniques or tactics you learn, no matter how much inner game stuff you do – if you don’t stare this beast right in the eye, it’s going to hold you back.

In fact, the difference between a guy who wins in the game and you, right now, is this one simple thing.

FEAR OF REJECTION

Man is it powerful. It’s like an imaginary pair of handcuffs that come  out of nowhere right when things are about to get good and make it so that you literally can’t do anything. And then you lay in bed wondering where you went wrong.

But what if I could kill your fear of rejection in this post?

Is that something you’d like?

Good. Let’s get into this…

In my own personal experience and in coaching over a thousand guys, the main thing i’ve come to realize is that you are probably more scared of  what other people think as they watch you get shot-down, then what the girl thinks.

So fear of rejection is really a two headed beast. If we only cut off one of its heads, as most guys try to do, it will still kill us.

So we’re going to attack it from both angles.

Attack Point #1: Caring What Others Think

Ok, so here’s the deal – you’re about to escalate, maybe kiss her or tell her its time to leave the party but then you see your friends watching you, or maybe you imagine them watching you. And you think about how big of a loser you’re going to seem like if you get rejected.

You’re afraid to be EXPOSED

What’s going to be exposed? Your secret…

What’s your secret?

The secret that nearly every guy harbors…the one that no one talks about is…

I’M BAD WITH WOMEN AND I WILL DO ANYTHING TO HIDE IT FROM OTHER PEOPLE

Now here’s the thing: 99% of the guys out there have this fear. Just realizing  this renders it powerful. How can everyone “be bad with women”? It just doesnt make sense.

It’s just not true.

But it’s a deep-deep fear and everyone holds it in. Would you ever tell another guy that you sucked with girls?

HELL NO

You’d be exposed.

So now I want you  to realize something: getting rejected IS NOT BEING EXPOSED.

There is nothing to be exposed – it’s fake, it’s imaginary, and everyone has the same goddamn fear in their head.

Here’s the second thing:

NO ONE IS WATCHING YOU

You need to realize that everyone is in their own damn head when they are out and trying to get laid/socialize. And everyone THINKS that everyone else is watching them – but  really, they’re not.

So when you get rejected, people won’t even notice.

But Mark, I always watch other guys – that can’t be true!

Wrong. You TUNE IN to other guys’ success – it’s an ego thing – it’s confirmation that you suck and that they are pimps….and it ’s dead wrong.

Truth is, the only time other guys will really watch what you are doing is when you SUCCEED.

Think about that.

So if “being perceived as a player” is high on your list of things to do (i’ll admit it…it was on mine.. but ultimately not a good goal) then you want to continually go for big wins.

Because…

BIG WINS ARE WHAT GET NOTICED

Remember that. No one remembers the loser. The brain just doesn’t really store it.

Ok moving on to the second head of this two headed best.

Attack Point #2: What SHE Thinks of you (and what she’ll tell her friends)

One you get this, you’re going to laugh at how simple it really all is.

Basically, every time you don’t ESCALATE…you think you’re “playing hard to get” but she KNOWS that you don’t have balls. And a man without balls…nope…not  gonna cut it. So just realize that by not escalating you
are losing MAJOR points.

The fear of NOT ESCALATING should be wayyyyyy higher than the fear of escalation.

When you DO escalate it signals to her “I am a Man. I take what I want. I can lead”.

Do you want her to think these  things about you?

Good. Then escalate.

Now here’s where it gets trippy…

SHE WILL PROBABLY DENY YOU

If things are going very well, you escalate a little bit and she denies you the kiss or whatever it is you are trying to do – HOLD STRONG.

She’s just testing you.

Testing for what?

She wants to know how persistant you are. How you handle failure.

She wants to know if her little rejection has the power to make you crumble.

She wants to know if you’re going to be cool about things and not cause a scene.

Now, obviously, use common sense. When I say HOLD STRONG, I mean emotionally.

Act like nothing happened, continue to game and have fun and just go for it again.

From childhood we idealized the way things work. We thought that when “its on” she  will just accept every advance. And when it’s off, she will reject you.

So we see rejection as something that indicates “i’m not worthy” when really, it’s an  essential part of the game!

Can you see how knowing this in the past would have helped you?

Are you starting to see how fear of rejection is basically something rooted in three or  four MISCONCEPTIONS.

Good.

This was a long one.

I want you to read it a couple of times, maybe write out in your own words what you got from it, and put the paper in your wallet.

Carry it where you go and just always know that your biggest enemy…

Fear of Rejection.

…Was all bullshit.

It wasn’t even your fault – you just had some messed up beliefs which we’ve deconstructed here.

And now it’s all good baby.

So go get some and then report back.

Keep on Rockin’,
Mark
www.conqueryourcampus.com

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External Focus: The Major Player in Believability

June 30, 2008

Today I want to write about something that makes the difference when it comes to truly elite game.

But before you read another word, check out the Asian Rake’s post on believability from a couple months ago if you haven’t already. Also, as he states in his article, this is for more advanced game, so if your body language, vocal tonality, and frame aren’t strong, work on those things before moving on to this.

As the AR talks about in his post, once you’re a high value man, the major hurdle you must jump is getting a girl to truly believe that you are into her. Aside from specific techniques which are outlined in brilliant detail in his article, I’ve found that a major component in developing believability and a strong connection is being incredibly externally focused.

Before I go on, I’d like to give a large amount of credit for this post to Khiem over at Kiss N’ Tale for a wonderful conversation we had on the topic recently.

First off, you already know that you have to get out of your own head.

If you look at any man who is at at the top of his given profession, whether it be sales or basketball, one thing that you’ll notice is that when it comes to executing, he is not thinking about what he should be doing and is just doing. Before that point, he spends a ridiculous amount of time on his own professional improvement. The best salesmen spend their time reading books and constantly educating themselves on sales, and the best athletes spend countless hours practicing and thinking through the finer points in their respective game. When interviewed after an incredible performance, however, you’ll always find that what was going through their head wasn’t specifically what they should be doing, rather they were just doing.

Successfully attracting women is the same thing. I’ve spent countless hours studying everything I could get my hands on. So now, once I’m in “the field,” I’m not thinking about specifics of push-pull or screening. Instead, I’m putting faith in everything I’ve studied and keeping my focus on the moment.

If you’re rock climbing and told not to look down you’re going to look down. Similarly, if you’re told to get out of your head you’re going to stay right in your head. That is why your new emphasis should be on just the opposite, that is, staying externally focused.

What exactly do I mean by being externally focused? In everyday life, this can be applied to the way to look at the world. Let’s say for example you have to go run some errands. As you’re walking around, being internally focused would mean concentrating on the errands you have to run and whatever else pops into your mind. Having external focus involves taking time to soak in that big beautiful world around you. Are there any birds flying through the sky, are there anything interesting people or happenings littering the streets?

When you see a beautiful women walking down the street, do you immediately start to think about what your opener should be how how your body language should look? Or are you focused on what she is wearing, the way she is carrying herself, the expression on her face, and any interesting things in the world around you that you may be able to talk about?

In a personal communication level, having external focus is essential to having a successful conversation with anyone. Pick up the book How to Win Friends and Influence People and you’ll read of the importance of truly being focused on the other person. When they are speaking, are you thinking of the next thing to say and where you want to take the conversation or are you lingering on every word and really trying to see the world from the other persons point of view?

When I am speaking to a woman, it is as if the rest of the world doesn’t exist and it is just her and I trapped in a bubble. One of the biggest problem I find myself facing is forgetting what we were just talking about a moment ago because I am so absorbed in the current conversation. This is a great problem to have.

If you’re simply thinking about what routine to use next or what line you want to say then she will be able to pick up on this and your interaction and attraction to her will feel unbelievable and not genuine. If you are a high value man and have read the Asian Rake’s post then you will understand that you will find it hard to keep her attraction if this is the case.

So take the next several interactions you have to practice. Instead of thinking of what you say, be fully absorbed in the external world. Linger on her every word, try to see the world though her eyes as she speaks, notice the little differences in her facial expression and body language, make a deep eye contact connection, throw yourself completely into making it feel as though nothing exists in the world other than you and her.

If you do these things, she will really believe that you are as interested in her as you purport to be, and the result will be a dramatic difference in the amount of attraction and level of connection you have with this wonderful new woman in your life.

Posted by Asian Rake | Filed Under Pickup Your Game | Comments 

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How to Troubleshoot Anything You Can’t Do

November 21, 2007

Finding yourself stuck? Good. Me too, quite often. I’ve found that becoming unstuck is always a matter of addressing one of the following seven issues:

1.) Beliefs – do you believe you can do it? I spoke recently at a conference in Germany about – what else? – dating. My topic was something like Dating the Girl of your Dreams. The first question I had for the audience was “how many of you actually believe that you will date the girl of your dreams?” A lot of guys get into the “getting better at women” thing thinking its merely a new set of skills to be learned (more on that shortly). Way more important than their skills, however, are their beliefs.

2.) Motivation – do you want it badly enough? This is a big problem. Especially for potential entrepreneurs. There’s an idea they have, but they don’t want it badly enough, relative to their current situation. A classic opportunity cost calculation. Lack of Motivation also strikes in many other forms, from depression to genuine dispassion.

3.) Raw Potential – could you do it? Most of us have the potential to be good sketch artists, but give up around fifth grade. But not too many of us have the intellectual capability to understand particle physics beyond, say, Brian Greene’s explanations. And a tubby, big boned lump of lovin’ isn’t going to appear in a Victoria’s Secret catalog. String-theory and underwear modeling aside, though, there are many examples of people who transcended their God-given limitations, usually through exceptional force of will and belief.

4.) Skill Set – do you have the necessary skills? No matter how much you believe that you can build a dog house, your progress will be limited if you don’t have some basic carpentry skills. You typically take a class, read a book, or find an apprenticeship to help you learn some skills and address this issue.

5.) Resources – are the right tools at your disposal? To continue with our dog house metaphor, the best carpenter in the world couldn’t build much if he didn’t have a saw or a hammer. A lack of resources typically becomes obvious very quickly, although in the case of entrepreneurship, I’ve found that “undercapitalization” is a resource problem that’s often not discovered until too late.

6.) Execution – do you put everything to work? Are you able to effectively channel your beliefs, motivation, potential and skills into something that goes somewhere? Failures in execution are common, and often the result of poor management of people, time, priorities and/or resources.

7.) Commitment – will you follow through? Getting started on something, whether a relationship or a business, is always great fun. But if you can’t see it through to its logical end (or merely commit to being a part of the journey), it won’t get very far.

Whenever I’ve found myself stuck on something, I ask myself which of the preceding sticking points has got me. 95% of the time, it is motivation. I probably need more sleep.

Posted by Asian Rake | Filed Under Crank Your Confidence | Comments 

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