Ask the Social Man: Meeting Girls at Work

December 30, 2009

New user StumptheChump from our forums recently asked us about attracting women while he was working.

Here is my response from my ’shoebox’ in Chinatown ;)

Posted by Nick Sparks | Filed Under Live The Good Life | Comments 

Name: Email:

Holiday Greetings

December 29, 2009

As a reader of this website, you have my sincerest appreciation. Since The Social Man became my full-time job in 2008, I’ve delighted in sharing my thoughts with you.

I track our email newsletter “stats” regularly – how many people actually open and click through – and, depending on the subject line, about 40-50% of you regularly read our messages.  That is nearly unheard of in this dating advice industry, and it tells me that, despite never having met or even communicated with many of you one on one, there is a solid relationship here.  I value every moment that you direct towards our thoughts, opinions, and advice; as this year and this decade rolls to a close, and as I pass my 30th year on this earth, I couldn’t ask for much more than what your readership has given me.

The longer that I spend in this “job,” if I can be so blessed as to call it that, the more I see how many of us are seeking something beyond that which brought us here.  Whatever life event made you decide that you should seek some advice on becoming better with women – whether it be a copy of “The Game” that your friend handed you, a bitter breakup, or a random, late-night trip through the back alleys of the Internet – if you’re still here, it says something about what you want for yourself and your life.  A search for a deeper truth, and an understanding of the patterns that move us in and out of lust and love.

If there is one great truth I’ve learned, it is that the thing we’re all seeking is inside of us.  It’s one of life’s little clichés that turns out to be true.  And at the risk over overusing a word that we overuse to begin with, I’d suggest that the thing we all seek is a firm grasp on our values, and a sense of our own value.

A notion of what is right and wrong for each of us, and the knowledge, skill and passion to live our lives accordingly.

A fire inside of us, that compels us to push beyond fear and doubt, go after what we want, and create something great in this world.

So I ask you – where is the source of your strength?  What code guides you, gives you confidence to go after what you want, and compels you forward?  Let’s leave the tactics and the “game” and the things to say out of it right now… I’m talking about the *thing* that moves you.

In the past, I’ve been greatly moved by fear, greed and ego…  I’ve been guilty of bringing people into my life, not to enrich theirs, but to fill some hole in my own.  And inevitably, I lost those people when I became insecure, deceptive, or when they saw a deep flaw of my character that my own ego and fear had kept me from addressing.

Fear, greed and ego are evil triplets of the same DNA, and will confounded a person’s ability to be effective in love and in life.  They impose restrictions on what one can truly know and love about oneself, and the extent to which a person will open up and share with others.

Moving beyond the self for a moment, when we look at much of the turmoil in the world today, from the Iranian government’s pursuit of the bomb, to the lockdown on the media in Venezuela, to the genocide in Darfur, we can point to the same root causes – people and regimes who are driven by fear, greed and self-preservation.

Despite these evils, it’s hard to argue that the world we live in today isn’t the best we’ve ever had.  Advancements in medicine, communications, transportation, finance, and education have made us all richer.  Our average standard of living, across the globe, is higher than it’s ever been, and while inequalities and imbalances exist, you can be sure that there is an NGO, nonprofit, or YouTube channel devoted to righting wrongs where they exist.  The last two years have been difficult – ruthlessly so in some cities and industries – but is seems that in the last ten years, our values and our systems have been mercilessly tested, and have survived.

And advancements continue unabated.  I believe that to be the nature of humanity and of industry.  Even in our tiny little industry, we’ve seen an evolution of how men are taught to be better with women.  For every man I meet who wants to indulge in casual sex, I meet five who want to become better men.  That’s not to say that the two are opposed – many men can only achieve their desire by passing through it’s opposite.  And for those who want casual sex, there is more information and instruction out there than ever before about how to achieve it.

But this fact alone underscores the most important point. Advancements in industry are often value-neutral.  Nuclear technology can be used to provide energy, or wipe out a city.  Advancements in communications can be used to send good tidings, or to spread hate.  And advancements in the art and science of attraction can be used to bring more love and excitement to the women in our lives, or to satisfy the fear, greed and ego of a weak person.

I find it fascinating that so many of humanity’s advancements have been developed for “defense” purposes or agencies.  Gunpowder, the Internet, the list goes on… and it could be argued that many men who seek advice on getting their dating life handled come into the fold as a matter of defense.  They’ve been hurt or are lonely, and never want to feel that way again. Their quest to become better with women starts not to give, but to protect.  I’ve been in that place before, and I speak of it not pejoratively, but sympathetically.

So, as with all advances, what a person does with this material all comes down to how it is applied… and that is a matter of values and principals.  The same values and principals which, when discovered, provide us with unbreakable strength, confidence and passion.  To go after what we want, and to bring others into our lives, knowing that we will leave them better than they were before.

The imperative that we all share is to make this world better for others.  An advancement cannot be said to be complete until it has had a moral principal applied to it that works to the benefit of other human beings.  To the extent that anything we’ve provided you has been an advancement in knowledge, skills or action, my sincere hope is that you find the opportunity to enrich the lives of women, friends and family with it.  As one of the great philosophers of His day advised, my hope would be that you “do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”

So as this decade comes to a close, and as we have a chance to reflect during the holidays, I hope you will join me in making a commitment to yourself to continued self-improvement, and the dedication to serve others.  On our end, we have a lot of great stuff coming in 2010, and it continues to be our privilege to help you discover the awesome, fun, loving person inside of yourself, and share it with the world.  We all wish you the very best during
this special time of year.

Peace,
Christian

Posted by Christian | Filed Under Live The Good Life | Comments 

Name: Email:

Sexual Dynamics in a Warzone

December 22, 2009

Here’s a different take on things for you…

My friend Sam Cook, an entrepreneur and retired Army Captain, joined me recently to share some fascinating thoughts.  Spending several years in Iraq, he had the opportunity to see the nature of sexuality in situations where, as Sam puts it, the alpha men have “power over life and death.”

It starts a little slow, but if you’re interested in social dynamics, evolutionary biology, and other such thing, you’ll want to stick around until the end on this one.

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

or right-click here to download

Posted by Christian | Filed Under Women And The World | Comments 

Name: Email:

Ask The Social Man: from social to dating

December 14, 2009

Posted by Christian | Filed Under Dating Done Right | Comments 

Name: Email:

An introduction and my top 3 tips of the week…

December 8, 2009

I just wanted to introduce myself.  I am the new female coach for The Social Man.  I am very excited to be a part of TSM.  Feel free to email me at jody@thesocialman.com or find me on Facebook as Jody Ann.

Now, on to bigger and better things…

As my first blog on here, I wanted to give my favorite tips I give to my friends to let you know the way that I think and my theories on this whole shebang.

In my opinion, there are 3 main things that attract a woman, and keep her interested:

1) Confidence

2) The ability to REALLY listen

3) Follow-through

First, as the old saying goes: confidence is key.  Women like a man who is secure and knows what he wants, and how to get it.  Nothing screams low self esteem more than a guy who hesitates to approach a woman, or, when he does go up to her, who looks terrified to speak to her.

Just for a moment, think about what a woman is thinking when a guy stares her down.  After about 5 seconds of eye contact and a smile from both her end and theirs, if the guy doesn’t make a move, she thinks 1 of 2 things:

1.) He saw her smile, and he isn’t interested (has a gf, etc.)

2) He is too scared and not confident in himself to make the approach.

Remember: a girl wants a man who knows what he wants and how to get, so go and get it.  Stand up straight, shoulders back, chest high, and go win the prize.

I always love to see the changes in clients when they experience this revelation.  The confident but casual approach is so powerful, and speaks volumes more in those first few seconds than clever words ever could.  Just remain positive, calm, and cool and give off the vibe that she should want to talk to you, and you actually want to hear what she is saying.

This leads me to my next point:  REALLY LISTEN when she speaks.

Seriously, it’s not that hard.  Once a guy makes that initial approach (which in my opinion is one of the most difficult parts) now it’s easy.  Open-ended questions are a GREAT starting point, and 90% of the time, will get you a lot further than cleverness.  After all, what is everyone’s favorite subject to talk about…themselves.  You can start with open-ended questions, but how do you avoid getting on a “question train” where you’re asking one surface-level question after another?

I also work with a social networking company for successful New Yorkers, and it might not surprise you to know that successful men like to talk about themselves.  So besides encouraging them to ask lots of open-ended questions, I give them one simple additional piece of advice: paint a picture of what she is saying.

For example, if she says she is a teacher, really picture her standing in front of a classroom with her students in front of a chalkboard, maybe with an eraser in her hand?  When you picture this image, this will help you find the topics to talk about with her, and she will actually be impressed that you are listening.

The guys at our events always have far better success with women than they have in the past when they employ this. I have also heard Nick elaborate on this subject at our meet ups and coaching programs, and everyone seems to get this as soon as they practice in everyday conversation.

A trap that a lot a guys fall into is that they over think the conversation. While she is speaking, all they are thinking is, “wow, she is so hot, what can I say next to impress her.”  Instead, really live in the moment and have a pleasant (and hopefully flirty) conversation that she will remember as the best approach and exchange she had all night.

Which brings me to my last tip of the day… the follow through.

I could write 50 different blogs on the art of the follow through, but there is one main point I want to share today.  If a guy says he is going to do something, then he should do it.  If he says he is going to call, call, if he says he is going to email, email, text, send a letter, telegram… you get the point.

Seriously, nothing surprises and impresses a girl more than if you say, hey, I’ll call you, and you do!  Granted, we don’t expect you to call the next day, and secretly, we might enjoy that nerve racking period where every time the phone rings or we get a text, we hope it’s you…but don’t make us wait too long.  After a lengthy no contact period, we give up hope; we lose your image in our mind, and move on.  So, don’t allow us to forget about you!

So to recap; be confident, listen to us, and be real with your follow through.  If you do these things, you are far ahead of the game then most of the guys out there.

Till next time,

Jody Ann

Posted by jody | Filed Under Pickup Your Game | Comments 

Name: Email:

Feedback Threshold, Women and Entrepreneurship

December 4, 2009

One of the concepts we discuss on Unbreakable is the feedback threshold.  It’s an important concept in most parts of your life, and I want to give you a few examples of how it plays out in your success in just about everything you do.

The way we define a feedback threshold is thus: it’s a specific amount of feedback that you need and/or can accommodate before you take action in a given direction.

I know that’s kind of broad, let’s get more specific.

If you have a high feedback threshold for positive acceptance, then that means that you need a lot of acceptance before you will feel good about yourself.  If you have a low feedback threshold for positive acceptance, then you will not need much acceptance before you feel good about yourself.

It goes both ways though; we just considered a “positive” piece of feedback.  To flip it around,  if you have a high feedback threshold for negative rejection, that means that you can accept a lot of rejection before you call it a night.  And if you have a low feedback threshold for negative rejection, you may not even get out of the gates and approach a woman.

This can be charted against a please:pain continuum; for those not familiar, people are typically motivated either towards pleasure, or away from pain, and there is usually a stronger tendency for one vs. the other.  Risk-averse people are typically pain-avoiders, and risk-tolerant and risk-courting people are often pleasure seekers.

This all plays itself out at many points in your interactions with others; at some point, we’re going to put together a program called Fire that dives into this.  For now, I’m sure you can start to consider how this principle plays out in your head and in your life.  Conscious recognition of this sticking block is the first step in addressing it, and guys with really bad approach anxiety are often dealing with feedback threshold issues.

But it plays out elsewhere too…

I’ve now started more businesses than I can count on one hand; some have become proper operating entities with employees and payroll and whatnot, others were nothing more than glorified projects.  I’ve had a boss for about 2 of the 14 years I’ve been involved in “business” broadly, and while I have a hard time working for people, the flipside is that I have to be self-motivating… which I’m not, always.

But what happens when good feedback starts rolling in?  Your customers, clients, etc. essentially become your boss.  You can be lazy, unprofessional or carefree (and I’m guilty of having been all of those at points), but once you get the ball rolling, the feedback loop of positive reinforcement keeps rolling and gaining momentum, and all of a sudden, you’re off.  You no longer want to be lazy or unprofessional because not only does it not pay, but you’re actually having fun (which is what’s going on now with this company, btw).

Two examples: years back, I started a project with a friend where the plan was to do hidden mic audio of live interactions.  No one else was doing it at the time, and we thought it would make a good monthly program. Well, we took some time to figure out how we would get up and running.  Both of us were being extremely cautious, neither wanted to spend money to build it, etc.  There was absolutely zero feedback coming in from the outside – we were pre-launch.  Frustrated by our interia after two months of being risk-averse, I finally went in and spent a few hundred dollars on equipment, and lo and behold, we launched the program three weeks later.  That one step pushed everything else into action.

As a second example, we’re currently in the process of revising our live coaching programs.  We’re eliminating bootcamps and moving entirely to a custom coaching model.  I’ve been meaning to allocate time to getting the process right for evaluating clients needs… and everything is in my head, I just need to get it onto paper.  But it’s been on my to-do list for four days… frustrating.  Tonight though, I received an email from someone suggesting something very similar this sort of coaching model, pointing out how it would work for people like him, and encouraging me to think about it.  That one email was feedback enough for me to move it to the top of tomorrow’s agenda.

Anyone who’s been in software sales knows that you can’t just go implement every feature request that one particular customer wants. Lest a reader think I’m advocating some sort of reactivity here, that’s not the case.  Rather, in the live coaching example, it was a vision that was formulated a few weeks ago, something I’ve been meaning to move on for some time, and all of a sudden, the feedback I needed to light a fire under my ass hit me.

This was a small example.  I’m advising a friend who’s starting an internet software company, and he’s been going for about a year now in trying to define his vision, then get others onboard to help execute it.  There have been a couple of misfires and missteps, but he keeps on going, and going, because his self-determination and self-belief (and hopefully a little encouragement by his inner circle) have been enough to drive him forward.

And speaking of vision… since I’m writing this article on December 4, 2009, I think we’ve got to show some respect to Hova, who’s turning 40 today.  A little apropos love from “Heart of the City”:

Look scrapper I got nephews to look after
I’m not looking at you dudes, I’m looking past you
I thought I told you characters I’m not a rapper
Can I live? I told you in ninety-six
that I came to take this shit and I did, handle my biz
I scramble like Randall with his
Cunningham but the only thing running is numbers fam
Jigga held you down six summers; damn, where’s the love?

The broader lesson here, with respect to business/projects/entrepreneurship is this: depending on the size of your vision, you may have to go a long time without getting any positive feedback (and you may have to withstand some negative feedback along the way).  But if you believe in that vision (or, in the case of the fair sex, if you believe in yourself), you’ll push through the negative feedback, and soldier on without needing the validation of positive feedback, until that vision becomes truly manifest.

Posted by Christian | Filed Under Crank Your Confidence | Comments 

Name: Email:

What is Confidence?

December 1, 2009

I’ve never taken anything but straw polls on the matter, but ask any woman what she wants in a man, and “confidence” is sure to be one of the top three or four character traits.  So it’s worth spending some time asking ourselves what it is and how to discover it inside of yourself.  Our Unbreakable program really drives into the heart of it, but I think we can do the subject matter some service here without spending 30 pages on it.

Let’s start with a definition.  To me, confidence is a feeling you have that drives bold actions towards things you want.  It is having some faith in yourself that when you speak up, people will listen, and when you go for something, you’ll get it.  It’s trusting yourself, but beyond that, it’s a force that drives action.

When you make the approach, or go for the kiss, or invite her back to yours, it’s because you trust that she’s going to like you and want to go along with it.  And if she doesn’t, confidence is having the faith in your skills to overcome her protestations.  And if she rejects you, confidence is having the feeling that you’re still an awesome guy.

Confidence builds on a lot of things.  Knowing that you have skills gives you confidence.  Knowing that you have more important things in your life – a solid foundation – gives you confidence.  Knowing what you want and being clear about it gives you confidence. So does having a sense of entitlement.

Ahh, and that’s the rub, right there.

Confidence doesn’t actually have to be based on any great soul search – it can merely come from feeling like the world owes you twenty times over, then going out and collecting that debt.  Some people are just born and/or raised that way.

Now, what usually happens in life is that we keep on going after what we want, until a roadblock is thrown in front of us.  If we manage to avoid that roadblock, or blast right through it, we build some confidence. But if it stops us, diverts us, or worst of all – if we crash into it and body parts go flying – we have to have a serious think about both the direction we were headed, and how quickly we could get there.

Let’s consider this in practice.  When a third grade boy goes to hold a girl’s hand and, after she casually slaps him away once, she then accepts his romantic little overture, something clicks inside this little boy’s head and reinforces the notion that he can get away with such behavior.  By fifth grade, he’s planting kisses on the cheeks of any girl he can convince to join him under the jungle gym, and he’s full-on smooching (no tongue, of course) six months later.  Players are made, not born… and this player just happened to get a head start on the rest of us.  He encountered a small roadblock in third grade, drove right through it, and every subsequent time that he’s seen a similar looking roadblock, he knows what to do.

You can probably imagine the flipside of this story.  The boy who got held up by that roadblock convinced himself that women didn’t like him, and continued to tell himself that story well into his early adult years.  Then one day, he realizes that he’s not very confident around women, and finds himself reading this article.

Lack of confidence doesn’t always have such obscure causes, though.  Sometimes we gather a fairly large head of steam, then run into a roadblock sizeable enough to compel us into a Come to Jesus moment.  Again, we can use a story to illustrate…

In the late winter / early spring of 2006, life was humming along nicely for me. I had a great circle of friends, I was the CEO of a promising beverage startup, and was dating a great girl.  But within a three-week period, everything turned around – my company failed to clear a critical regulatory hurdle, leading to a battle with my partner that caused me to lose my stake in the company, and left me nearly six figures in debt.  My girlfriend left me, and took with her big parts of our mutual social circle.  And my best friend stopped hanging out with me… and started spending a lot of time with my now ex-girlfriend.

I’ve had my share of humdingers, but nothing this acute in such short a timeframe.  And it perfectly illustrates the point; I was a cocky mofo in the months leading up to this experience.  But the subsequent months were spent reflecting upon what had happened, and more importantly, what mistakes I’d made that led to such circumstances.  Had I failed to surround myself with the right people?  Had I been careless in managing my business?  Had I seen warning signs and ignored them?

I’m is a bit more confident these days – you can be assured of that – but it comes from knowing myself better and trusting myself more.

One common thread in any story about confidence – whether it be those illustrated above, or those from any other confident person you’ll talk to, is the following: their confidence came from clearing the roadblocks.  That’s always how it is.  You can prepare to clear the roadblocks if you see them ahead, or you can scout for alternate routes, or you can be lucky enough to have great reflexes so that you’re able to adopt on the fly.  But at the end of the day, true confidence comes from getting past them and getting closer to your goals.

The metaphor here should be obvious.  Becoming confident with women ultimately requires that you become successful with women.  There’s no shortcut or instant, Matrix-style brain download that can compete with real experience and real success.  The neural pathways in your brain have a way of wiring themselves through experiences that no amount of cogitating and preparatory thinking can achieve.  In that way, it’s a sort of weird Catch-22.  So how do you get around it?

Of course, there are lots of things that can boost your confidence with women prior to achieving of all-out pimpdom.  Success in any other part of your life has spillover effects into your pursuit of the feminine. Dressing better, making cooler friends, getting in shape, learning a new skill or hobby… those all help, and we’ll be getting into them in a bit.  Even hypnosis CDs and other such self-help programs can contribute.  But if you spend too much time dwelling on the periphery of the issue of confidence with women, without dealing with it directly, you’re just postponing the inevitable.

How to break the logjam? Well, it’s kind of weird… but you just start doing the things you need to do.  You just go do it, and all of a sudden, good stuff starts happening.  You feel better about yourself for going after it.  You stop having those regretful nights of “what if I’d talked to her?” or “what if I’d escalated?”.  Whether you succeed or fail, you know you went for it.  Then you regroup, figure out how to overcome the next roadblock, and go back out there.

You just keep doing.  You get out there and you do some more, until those roadblocks aren’t stopping you anymore.  It’s frustrating sometimes, and depending on how well you learn and how devoted you are, it could take a little bit of time or a lot.  But the confidence from being a man who does, who takes action, is a force to be reckoned with.

And what is action’s opposite?  Analysis, and paralysis.  Your time as a single man is precious and to be enjoyed; waste it at your own peril, and eventual regret.  English poet Andrew Marvell, attempting to seduce a young lady, and having no unlimited nationwide text plan available in the 17th century, put it thusly in rhymed verse:

Had we but world enough and time,
This coyness, lady, were no crime.
The grave’s a fine and private place,
But none, I think, do there embrace.

Your days on this terra firma are limited, and the longer that you postpone your pursuit of the feminine, the closer you are to that fine and private place.  Action is all that matters.  Repeated, disciplined action and eventual success breeds confidence like nothing else.

Posted by Christian | Filed Under Crank Your Confidence | Comments 

Name: Email: