How to Cure Neediness

November 22, 2009

How to Cure Neediness

This one was composed with the help of Christian Hudson and Nick Sparks. You should also be able to see a bit of influence from Sebastian Drake, too.

Dear Asian Rake David,

Quick question: I’ve got this nagging feeling of  ‘neediness’ that I haven’t been able to shake. I think I’ve been too influenced by having had a long-term relationship because my ex-girlfriend and I used to do everything together—watch movies, go on holidays, etc. I’m wondering if you ever experienced the same thing. Any tips on how to resolve this?

Yours, Mitchell

Hey Mitchell,

Yeah, I totally know what you mean. There is good news and bad news for you.

The bad news

In fact, what you are feeling is something that will probably take a long time to go away. For me, I continued to feel this in any slow period of my life. “Slow” as in I wasn’t busy with work AND I was only seeing one or two girls at the time. It took me over two years to learn how to control this feeling.

The good news

This is relatively easy to correct in the moment. But the corrective is more like a palliative. There is a deeper root issue that needs to be addressed in order to deal with this permanently.

For quick fixes, you should do stuff to change your emotional states.

1. Let it all out.

First, have a nice cry and self-pity session to let it all out, but keep it to less than a half hour or so. Do NOT contact any women when you are in this state.

Then, take immediate action.

2. Eliminate the mental garbage from pop media.

I find that throwing out all those pathetic, cheesy, girly, romantic-comedy movies was a significant factor. Especially avoid anything from Korea, lol. Instead, watch manly movies like Fight Club or Entourage.

Also, don’t listen to any songs having to do with love or romance. Yes, that’s the majority of pop songs. Instead, I like to listen to instrumental jazz or some martial classical music. It gets your mind moving in the right direction.

In Unbreakable, Christian and Nick discuss the difference between Jay-Z and Dashboard Confessional.  The latter is a whiny emo band and all of their songs are self-indulgent pity fests about how in love he is with some girl. The former, well how about this line… “Not guilty, he who does not feel me is not real to me, therefore he doesn’t exist so poof…vamoose son of a bitch.”  I always think about drawing conclusions between champs and chumps.

3. Talk it out with a good friend who will challenge you.

You could phone a good guy friend who is more mature than you, and just talk out your feelings of neediness with him. He should challenge you to man the fuck up and to help you realize how irrational you are feeling.

4. Take care of your biochemistry.

Watch what you eat. Do not indulge in sugary or oily foods. That bowl of ice cream or gravy-drenched poutine might make you feel better while you’re eating it, but you will pay emotionally and physically for a lot longer after you’re done.

Instead, fill your body with food that will nourish you and release good neurotransmitters. What you want is the good stuff—dopamine, serotonin, endorphins. Stock up on high protein foods like fish, chicken, eggs, almonds, and dark green veggies. You can also try high carbohydrate foods like whole grain bread and pastas, rice, cereal, and juicy fruits.

Hit the gym HARD. Work out your body. Do something physical. Reconnect with your physicality so that you’re not always in your head. Do some martial arts. Hit the punching bag. Jump in the ring and do some sparring.

As a sidenote, every Asian man (indeed, every man) should master some martial art. I did Kung Fu and Tae Kwon-do as a kid, rising to the level of a junior black belt by the time I hit high school. But I hadn’t done much training since then until I moved to Singapore, where I quickly discovered martial arts gyms on every corner, including some martial arts clubs with full-on boxing rings, Muay Thai rings, MMA cages, and the works. I’ve since gotten a private trainer for Krav Maga, and it’s been awesome for physical conditioning, preparing me for street fighting, and making me feel more balanced and centered emotionally and mentally.

For a good long-term fix, as well as a short-term kick, Nick advises “drop and go compliments”—dropping random compliments, then leaving. The key is walking away without hesitation after you deliver it. You’re not looking for anything back from her. You’re not allowed to even concern yourself with her response. Just drop and go. That way you’re both giving and tempering yourself to turn your back on a woman, a necessary talent in today’s day and age.

But really these are just band-aid solutions.

THE REAL SOLUTION: The real problem is that you are not yet complete by yourself. You are still looking for external things to complete you. In this case, you are looking for the companionship of a woman.

You need to learn to be content with yourself and all by yourself, like you are stranded on a deserted island all by yourself but you know you’ll still be okay. Sure, it’d be great to have around you lots of people who love you. But you see that as a luxury, not a necessity.

Think of Tom Hanks in the movie, Castaway. Could you deal with that situation if that were you? Would you be cool if all your friends and family deserted you, like literally, cut themselves off from you? Then you’d have no one else to turn to but yourself for strength. That’s what you gotta be like to get rid of this neediness feeling permanently. You’ve got to be okay with being on your own. You’ve got to be a real man.

For me, it still comes occasionally. But that’s usually when I’ve watched too many sappy movies, listened to too many sappy songs, pigged out on sugary foods and not worked out for a few days, and have only been hanging out with women.

One key resource is The Way of the Superior Man by David Deida. Find your current purpose in life. Make women and all those other externals secondary. Also, for a macho manifesto of discipline, self-determination, and hustle, check out The 50th Law by 50 Cent and Robert Greene. These will help give you perspective on how to “man up.”

Play on, The Asian Rake

Posted by Asian Rake | Filed Under Crank Your Confidence | Comments 

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Getting Her to Ask For Your Number

November 7, 2009

I was talking to my friend Travis the other day – he’s a bit of a day game master (and is actually using one of our cameras right now to get a bunch of footage) – and we were talking about the process by which you get a girl to ask for *your* number.

It’s a fun turn of the screw… as men, it’s within our gender role to ask for the number, and for as long as I’ve been at this, I’d say that I’m the one taking the number 80% of the time.  In the long run it doesn’t make a difference – you still have to follow up well – but pulling it off means you’re making great progress in your game.

So let’s start by asking ourselves – what would make a woman *want* to take your number?

a.) she’s so enamored with your life and your world that she wants to be a part of it

b.) she feels such a strong connection to you that she couldn’t imagine it not continuing

c.) she’s feeling incredible chemistry with you and wants to feel it again

Any of the same could be said for “solid” numbers that you take from women.  So how do you set it up such that she’s the one who asks you?

One key principal – doing a LOT with a LITTLE.

The dynamic of the interaction needs to be such that she’s doing most of the work.  You are going to be leading it with some -bait- and some -questions- but you will do very little talking about your own life.  There is something of an “ad hoc” formula to this:

1.) you start by “baiting”.  you casually mention something about your life that really connects with whatever she just said, in a very “high value” sort of way.  It can’t just be bragging – it genuinely has to demonstrate that you know what she’s talking about.

2.) she asks you about the bait.

3) you screen her on it.

4.) you screen her again.

5.) you screen her a third time

6.) you keep screening until it makes sense to stop

7.) you reluctantly qualify her, and finally answer her question

8.) future project, or include her in your life in some way

Let me give you an example, from the first time I consciously saw this happening.  It came about when I was talking about myself.  Later on, I’ll show you how to use this in your own life.

You might know that I DJ from time to time in Manhattan.  I’ve done some private parties, and a few cool venues, but I’ve never been in rotation at a huge club.  So while being a DJ is generally an asset when it comes to talking to girls, my particular experience isn’t noteworthy.  It’s more of a hobby.

I also don’t like to bs girls, so rather than give full answers, I’d rather be evasive and turn the conversation back on her.  Here’s how it played out:

I was talking with a girl about parties.

Me: “yeah, I dj’ed the last party we threw.  It was a great time, tons of people, went really late…”  You notice that the only thing about *me* in there is the bait – that I DJ.  Everything else is just factual stuff.

Her: “Wait, you DJ?, Where do you play?”  This is her taking the bait

Me: “Yeah I do.  What kind of music do you like to dance to?”  Notice that I intentionally avoided her second question, and rather than self-indulgently telling her everything about myself (which I couldn’t do anyway in this case!), I turned it around  and asked a screening question.

Her: “Oh uh… I don’t know, I like everything.”

Me: “Heh, everyone says that.  What’s your favorite song to dance to right now?”

Her: “Oh ummmm….  [song name].”

Me: “Yeah, I love that one.  People always go nuts to it.  Ok so you’re into hip hop… have you heard [song name]?”"

Her: “Yeah, I love that one too!”

Me: “Haaaa, nice.  What does it take to get you to dance on a couch at a club?”   At this point, I am taking the conversation from topical (song preferences) to personal (stuff about her personality).  Your screens should go in this direction.

Her: “Ohh you know some good music, some fun people and a few shots!”

Me: “That’s it?  (tease).  How often do you go out?”

Her: “Oh maybe one or two nights a week.”

Me: “Cool, so enough to make your promoters happy. So what are your favorite spots?”

Her: “Ummm, well last few times I went out I was at Pink Elephant and 1Oak.”

Me: “No kidding…. man I had no idea you were so cool.  I’d love to have you join some of our parties”  (this is the qualification – finally)

Her: “Haha thanks!  So wait where do you play?”

Me: “Oh I do a lot of private parties… I’ve done a few other spots… I was doing Empire Hotel for a bit.  Fun time, have you been?”

Her: “Yeah, I’ve been there!  Wait, so are you a full-time DJ?”

Me: “No, it’s just a hobby, I have a real job too.  Wait, what do you do for work?”

Her: “I’m a… [her job].”

Do you see the trajectory here?

It’s screen after screen after screen on my part.  I demonstrated some value and authority in the very beginning.  And my questions continued to do so.

In fact, she has to really work to get any information out of me, while volunteering a lot of her own.

But she *wants* to volunteer it because the right questions are being asked.  I’m demonstrating a real interest in her, and showing no need to validate myself to her.

And critically, I’m not doing any “me too” answers.  Any time I relate to her, it shows that I empathize with and understand her and her world, but because I haven’t explicitly stated anything about my personal experiences and preferences, they remain something of a mystery.  The -only- times I talk about myself are at the beginning and the end.

And at the end, when she asks if I’m full time, I mention that I have another job, then immediately turn it around on her.

Yet another thing I had to learn to do accidentally – you can’t just come out and tell people that you run a company that is the real-life version of Hitch – it’s all they want to talk about.

So right now you might be thinking, “well this is well and good, but I’m not a DJ and I don’t run a company like The Social Man, so how can I do this?”

Well, here’s another time it happened.  This time we were talking about cheeseburgers.  She had mentioned that she absolutely loves burgers.

Me: “Yeah, New York has some of the best burger joints in the world.  I think I’ve been to them all.”  (bait)

Her: “So what’s your favorite?”

Me: “Ummm, there are two that really tie for me, I can never decide.  Shake Shack is one of them, have you been?”  (more bait)

Her: “Oh my God, yes. It’s so good.”

Me: “So what burger you order when you go there?”

Her: “It’s always the same… double cheeseburger”

Me: “Can’t do anything else.  Fries, shake?”

Her: “It depends… you know, I’ve got to watch my girlish figure.”

Me: “Yeah I was gonna say (eying her up and down), doesn’t look like you eat burgers all the time.  How often do you work out?” (screen)

Her: “Ha, like four or five times a week.”

Me: “Nice – morning or evening?”

Her: “Usually after work.  I just can’t do it in the mornings.”

Me: “Yeah, plus when you do it after work you can work off the burger you had for lunch and you feel so much better about yourself.”

Her: “I know, wait… so you said there was another spot you like?”

Me: “Yeah, Soho Park.  Have you been there?”

Her: “No… where is it?”

Me: “What?  How can you call yourself a burger lover and not have eaten there?” (screen)

Her: “I don’t know!  I feel like I’m committing a sin!”

Me: “You almost are.  But you definitely know your burgers.  You should go down there sometime so you can absolve yourself.”  (qualification)

Her: “Well you’d have to tell me, or show me, where it is.”

Me: “Well you’d have to get in touch with me for that to happen.” (smiling, of course).

This one isn’t -quite- as linear as the last one.  A new subject appeared: exercising.  But notice how she brought it back to the original thread?  There was some suspense and intrigue… not quite as much as with the dj’ing… but enough to bring it back.  And it didn’t take much for her to volunteer herself for a date.

So what, again, is the formula?

1.)  Volunteer a small amount of information about yourself.

2.) Don’t answer her questions directly. Screen and screen and screen.

3.) Eventually, qualify her

4.) Subtly suggest a way to bring her into your life

In the former example, I told her she’d fit in at our parties.

In the latter example, I tee’d it up, and she took the swing.

Now, how to go from this to getting her to ask for your number?

Simple – do this same “pattern” two to three times in a conversation.  That is, connect on something important to her, show genuine interest and comprehension of her world with the questions you ask, and don’t talk about yourself too much.

When she indicates that she wants to be a part of your world – which she probably will if you’ve been fun and have intrigued her enough – you just flirtatiously suggest that she should make it happen.

Of course, when she takes your number, I suggest that you have her call you.  And unless she’s completely throwing herself at you, establish the protocol for who will follow up with who.

“So tell ya what -  text me tomorrow and we’ll set up a time to go down there.”

“Ok, so if I don’t hear from you by tomorrow I’m gonna call you and we’ll set something up.”

This whole sequence – this style of conversation – is something you should be working on anyway.  I always get into trouble when I talk too much.  There is some fun, flirtatious stuff you can throw in along the way, but the foundation here is solid – and that’s what’s going to work no matter who you’re talking to.

Hopefully we can get Travis to do a guest post here sooner or later with his thoughts on the matter.  In the meantime, please share your thoughts, and any tips or experience you’ve had in getting her to ask for your number!

Posted by Christian | Filed Under Pickup Your Game | Comments 

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