Some Takeaways from the Convention

July 30, 2009

Last weekend, Nick and I sojourned down to Orlando to speak at the  “21 Convention,” an incredibly well-organized get-together in the  city that Disney built.  Besides a fun trip to Disney world with our friends Francis and David, we met some cool people, and hopefully inspired and educated a few more.
I personally had some takeaways that I wanted to share.  When we work with clients on our bootcamps or platinum programs, they are often coming into our world – our place, our event, our teaching style – and there is typically a degree of respect, and sometimes nervousness. We get to know them over the course of the weekend (or month, in the case of the Platinum Program), and we try to encourage healthy attitudes during that time.

But at this Orlando event, we were at the epicenter of group PUA-think.  Its common in any social situation; there is a prevailing value system and social protocol, and people tend to try to fit within that.  It happens with punk rockers, it happens with private equity guys, it happens with PUAs.

The thing is, a lot of the PUA group think is really counterproductive.  Let me give you a few examples:

- there was a lot of focus amongst many of these guys on how many sets they’d opened, kind of a competition.  We’d never discourage you from starting as many conversations as you like, but when  someone thinks that they’re making progress merely by “opening sets”, they’re missing the point.  that’s not where the progress is made – it is made when you -pay attention- to what is working and what isn’t, learn how to calibrate, and improve your social skills accordingly.

-  there was definitely a bit of a focus on being “different,” whether that was with one’s hair, hat, words, or socks.  It was sort of like “who can stand out the most and still be cool.”  I appreciate a guy who is trying to stretch his identity – I did it in high school with a mohawk – but I’ll tell you that I do better with women in -nice- clothes than I did in anything outlandish, ever.  But then again, I go for girls who like nice clothes; club chicks in Vegas may be a different story.

- there was an insane focus on the “score” of the women they were approaching.  One guy showed me a number he’d taken in his phonebook, and stored as “Sarah HB 9.6″.  I wasn’t the only guy he was showing it to.  And hey, if you want to call a girl an 8 or an 9 or a 10, that’s fine… guys have been doing that since time immemorial.  But no one is impressed until you’re dating or sleeping with her.  And even better if you can end whatever relationship you have with her on good terms.  Bragging about the “10″ whose number a guy takes smacks of proving oneself.

- lack of social calibration.  David, Francis, Nick and I were sitting in a booth, with a young woman named Erika sitting at the end of the booth.  One of the attendees came to join us, and literally pushed Erika’s chair out of the way to make room for himself.  We all looked at him funny – that’s just a weird thing to do – and he conceded that he thought he was supposed to show “dominance.”  Yes… when the girl is sort of into you and when you want to escalate.  But that was just lack of common courtesy. Wasn’t the only such example, but it was a decent one.

- overgaming.  it sucks when you run out of things to say.  But what about when you have too much to say?  Some guys learn routines and go on WAY too long.  Others interrupt women early on in an attempt to “stack more value” with their own stories.  Why?  If the woman is talking and opening up to you, let her talk!  It’s less work and if you actually listen to her she’ll appreciate it, want to open up more, then start asking questions about this great guy who has been listening to her talk about her life.  One of the worst pieces of advice I’ve ever seen in this community is that you should interrupt women in order to stack more of your own stories.

Ok, what’s the point of this email?  Well, it’s not to bash on the “community.”  We are attempting to build a little community at TSM, and I think that communities are awesome when the values of the community are healthy, and contribute to everyone’s success.

In fact, as I’m watching the community-at-large evolve, I’m seeing a move towards more natural stuff, better attitudes towards women, etc.

But there are still some holdovers.  And they’re not just community attitudes, they’re childish attitudes.  They’re how many men between the ages of 15 and 25 think.  Its like being in a frat house. But In the pickup community, they’re sort of formalized and given more weight than they deserve, owing to the nature of this
“let’s get girls” goal.

Most fraternities come together to, well, get girls.  But also to watch sports, play beer pong, go on outings, and do other social activities.  These other activities are almost entirely absent from the pickup community, so the values and conversations often skew towards things like how many approaches a guy did last night.

I assure you that these are not the conversations that men are having who do well with women.  Their values and goals are a little bit different, and might include things like:

- how far did they get last night?
- how did the date go?
- why they succeeded or failed
- the crazy things that the girl said or did

…and some men just don’t kiss and tell at all.

You see, in all of these, there is a presupposition that the woman thing is handled, *at least enough that they don’t have to prove it to other guys.*

And that last piece is exactly the difference that can make all the difference in the world.  Is a guy in this to be popular amongst the guys?  Or is he in it to get girls?  (and when he becomes an instructor, is it for his love of teaching and helping others, or because he likes having people listen to him?)

Jay-Z once said “game recognize game, ho’s do too.”  Jigga Man was right.  A guy with good game, and generally good social skills, can tell when another guys is trying to prove himself.

Chances are that if he’s trying to prove himself to another guy, he’s doing it to women too.  Exactly what many men got into this whole world to avoid.

Takeaways?  Be yourself and set your own standards.  No one is impressed by a man who can’t get further than a number, or who dates a hot woman who makes him miserable.

And at the end of the day, what you experience with any woman is ultimately something for the two of you two enjoy together.

Posted by Christian | Filed Under Pickup Your Game | Comments 

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Ask The Social Man: Is Dating Cooperative or Competitive?

July 29, 2009

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from friend to something more

July 28, 2009

Let’s say you’re talking with a girl who you know socially, or she’s your friend. Maybe you want more.  And let’s say that there’s never been a sexual vibe between the two of you, or even a flirty one.

You are going to find the opportunity to compliment her, and I mean really compliment her.  Not like “nice shoes” but like “you are the sort of woman who every man would want to marry.” Hopefully, you mean it when you say it.

But here’s the key: your delivery MUST come from a position of higher authority. You are complimenting her as a statement of fact, not as an emotional expression of how you feel.

Think of it this way: you’re driving a Ferrari around a racetrack at blistering speeds, pushing it to the brink, and your heart is racing.  It is the most thrilling experience of your life.  You step out of the car and say “this is the best-made vehicle I’ve ever driven.”  Your job?  The quality assurance engineer at Ferrari.

Even though you are bursting with emotions, your statement comes from a position of higher authority.  And frankly, it’d be unprofessional to let those emotions color the job you have of determining if it is a road-worthy vehicle. If you even let them show while you were delivering your assessment,
people would doubt your judgment.

So to put this back into context, when you tell a woman what you think of her, it should come as she’s telling you something about her life and perhaps looking for reassurance.  This is the sort of thing that often happens in male-female friendships.  So she’s complaining about her looks one day and you say…

“No seriously – you are absolutely beautiful.  I mean, you drive every man wild. Do you ever look at yourself in the mirror?  I wish you could see what I could.”

But you say it utterly detached.  You’re merely an observer.  Then kick off to another conversation topic.

“Hey, I was reading the other day about the new Secretary of Energy… have you heard about this guy?”

Or whatever else you talk about with your female friends ;)

And she’s going to think to herself “huh!   does he like me?  those are the words of a person who likes me, but he said it with so little emotion…  this is confusing… and interesting!”

You may have to do this two or three times, depending on the depth of your relationship with the girl.  But she’s soon going to start flirting with you, to test your interest.  And flirting is a subtle form of chasing, so now you have her chasing you.

At which point, you can play around with the frame – a ‘little girl’ frame works great.  “Jane, you silly goose.”

And so on… now your relationship has an entirely different context.

Will it work every time?  I don’t know – this has only happened to me three times; two of the three times I definitely had NO interest in the girls, before or after, and the third time, I developed interest in the girl over the next two weeks. It was only after I looked back at what sparked the change in my relationship with the third girl, and I realized it was this moment exactly.

Another tool for your toolbag – have fun with this one and let me know if it works for you!

Posted by Christian | Filed Under Dating Done Right | Comments 

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Ask The Social Man: the day after the hookup

July 28, 2009

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Ask The Social Man: when she’s sending mixed signals

July 27, 2009

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Your Sparkling Personality

July 12, 2009

Ever think about what a personality is?  And what really makes up a person with a charismatic personality?  I’ll let you in on the secret here…

Your personality is like a filter that puts a spin on all of the information your present.

So you could say hello.

Or if you were Kanye West you’d say “aye yo”.

Or if you were a surfer you’d say “heyyyy man.”

Of if you were a proper Brit you’d say “Cheerio.”

But its not just the local dialect you speak.  Your personality is *everything* that people feel when they’re talking to you.

So when you hear someone say that Nick Sparks has a “big personality,” it means that they really feel his presence when they’re around him.

And when a guy has “no personality”, it means that there’s nothing really unique that someone feels when they’re talking to him.

A female friend of mine has one of the cutest, most sparkling personalities of anyone I’ve ever met.  She can express more with a smile and a giggle than most people can with words.  And she’s the one who made me realize all of this.

So often when we get into ‘pickup’, we’re searching for the *right* thing to say.  That makes the presumption that we’ve been saying the wrong thing this whole time.

I’d submit that the *wrong thing* is only that which fails to engage a woman.  Guys with ALL DIFFERENT types of personalities and styles of interaction still manage to attract women.

Look at guys like Billy Walsh or Ari Gold on HBO’s Entourage.  Watch Russell Brand from some of the videos you can search for on YouTube.  And check out Nick Sparks’ interviews with cute girls on our website.  All of these guys have unique personalities… charismatic, compelling and attractive personalities.  All quite different, but all interesting.

They break the rules.  They don’t express stuff in plain and simple english or with plain and simple expressions. Think of basic written english as twelve notes on a piano. These guys manage to take those notes and make something interesting with them.

Ari Gold to his wife and a relationship counselor: “You can have [one hour of quality time a week] if you want to live in Agora-f*cking-hills, and go to group therapy, but if you want a Beverly Hills mansion, a country club membership, and nine weeks a year in a Tuscan villa, then I’m gonna need to take a call when it comes in at NOON on a MOTHERf*cking WEDNESDAY.”

Russell Brand, to a flirty female reporter: “I can’t make you c*m from over here!  I’m not that charismatic!”

Nick Sparks, to a girl bent over in front of him: “I’m so at one with the world right now.”
(http://www.thesocialman.com/talks-with-cute-girls-jennifer)

Interestingly, all of those lose half of their charm when you don’t see the delivery from Ari, Russell, and Nick.

So you can really break it down to some simple stuff. Just think: “what in the way I communicate is going to make the world feel compelled by the words I express, and the way I express them?”

It doesn’t have to be the same as anyone else. But you should take inspiration from wherever you find it.

Posted by Christian | Filed Under Crank Your Confidence | Comments 

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