Why Is Sex Fun?

May 28, 2009

There is a book by the anthropologist Jared Diamond – he’s the Pulitzer Prize winning author behind “Guns, Germs and Steel” – but the book I just read is about the biology of why humans enjoy sex.

If you could talk to other mammals on our planet, they’d think we were nuts.  We’re (generally) monogomous, we have sex in private, and we have it throughout the month.  This stands in stark contrast to most other species, but Diamond explains why pretty well.

So this got me thinking about other elements of how men and women connect.  If there is a biological need to have sex, then where does the “biology” and the “chemistry” of connection begin?

After two years of running my bootcamps, where I took men out into bars and clubs and to teach them how to flirt with women, I’ve come to see the bigger picture of what guys do right, and what they do wrong.

If you’ve been in this whole world of dating and pickup for awhile, you may be familiar with some of these concepts.  But I think they’re important concepts to understand clearly.

Let’s step back for a sec…

We’ll take the concept of taking a woman out for a dinner date (which is generally a lousy first date – more on that in a moment). You meet a woman you’re interested in, you want to show her that you’re a good provider, so you pay for her to sit and talk with you. You’re courting her.

But there is this group of guys who always have hot women around them without taking them on dates or offering them tangible things.  And they usually hook up a lot more.  What are these guys doing that the dinner date dude isn’t doing?

Well, these guys understand the difference, either consciously or unconsciously, between attraction and courtship.

ATTRACTION & COURTSHIP

Attraction is a biological and emotional thing.  It is something that overtakes a person, that overpowers their logic.  In the business bestseller ‘Fooled by Randomness’, we learn  “much of what rational thinking seems to do is rationalize ones actions by fitting some logic to them.”  As author David DeAngelo succinctly puts it, “attraction is not a choice.”  Maybe you’ve been in a situation before where you’ve known a girl was wrong for you, but you couldn’t stop thinking about her.

So that’s attraction.

Courtship, on the other hand, is the logical process by which men try to prove to a woman that we’ll be good for them.  It usually sends all the wrong signals and actually DECREASES a woman’s attraction for you.  It makes sense to most guys because we want to show a woman that we’re safe, that we’re not going to rape her or do anything she’s not comfortable with, that we’re “good guys”.  Its function is to let her be the one to say “ok, I dig ya, now let’s have some sex.”  Maybe you’ve been in that situation too.

So that’s courtship.

Now look… there’s nothing wrong with a dinner date – IF she is already feeling attraction for you, and if YOU feel like doing it.  Heck, it can be downright fun and romantic.  There’s sort of a backlash amongst some guys against dinner dates, which is silly. Just don’t put the cart before the horse.

You see, the trap that sooo many guys fall into is to think that they need to court a woman to get her attracted to him.

It happens in the early stages of a relationship with the dinner dates, the roses, the “I hope she accepts me” attitude.

But it also happens later on, if a guy senses a woman slipping away.  He’ll buy her gifts, write her love notes, and rationalize “if I do these sweet things, she’ll let me back in.”

Believe me, I’ve been there and done that.  And in looking back on it all, I now understand with total clarity how I lost the girls.

See, this supplication and weakness is VERY unattractive to a woman. And we’re not talking about physical attraction.  We’re talking about his “male attractiveness” – the characteristics that make up a strong, confident man.

DOMINANCE & SOCIABILITY

I read a research report that indicated that there are two main traits that attract a female to a male: dominance, and sociability.

Another way of looking at it: a guy who makes her feel safe, and around whom she has fun.

So with that in mind, let’s talk about those guys who don’t do much work, but who still end up with the girl.  What is it about them?

They convey, from the moment they open their mouths, that they are confident in their ability to deal with a woman.  They are dominant and social, or in other words:

- They have a “core” that is strong

- They have a great life and a fun attitude

- They can be had if she does the right things

- They will be sweet and kind, if she deserves it

- They know what they want and they pursue it

- They get along with others, men and women both

- They like people

And furthermore, they continue to demonstrate all these things as they keep getting to know the girl.  They don’t “break down” or “give in”.  They may let special women into their world, but they’ll never compromise themselves.

You see, the biology and chemistry of connection begin the moment that a male of our species conveys to a female that he is a MAN, and not a boy who needs a mommy, or an idiot who can’t relate to her, or a loser who doesn’t believe in himself.

Men convey these traits right away, and that’s why a woman will often say “I can tell within 30 seconds of meeting a guy if I’m interested in sleeping with him.”

What she really means is, “I can tell within 30 seconds if he’s a guy who I could give myself to.”

I know some rather unbecoming men who nonetheless display all of these qualities, and who have no shortage of amazing women in their lives.  And I am friends with some male models who are physically gorgeous, but display none of these traits and have a hard time getting girls to like them as anything more than friends.  A female friend once said about one of my male model friends, “I’d make out with him when I’m drunk, but I’d never sleep with him, eww!”

Crazy, right?

Sometimes a girl will randomly hop into bed with a guy when she’s drunk, or hasn’t had sex in awhile, or needs to get over another guy. But don’t be fooled into thinking that these situations are anything other than random.  Guys in these situations are “getting lucky.”

THE KEY POINT

This is the difference between a woman being sexually assertive (which she will sometimes do if she’s physically attracted to a guy) vs. her being sexually receptive (which she will do when a man is dominant and/or sociable).

Maybe this is all stuff you already know.  Maybe it is like seeing the light of a new day.  Or maybe it is hard for you to believe.

Whatever the case… hey, its all true.  The sooner you accept it, and begin to develop both your inner core and your outer presence into radiant, attractive things, the sooner that you will have the woman of your dreams.  And I can tell you this from experience too: she will just fall into your arms without much work, because she will instantly see you for the man that you are.

If this stuff interests you, I highly suggest that you check out the book I mentioned by Jared Diamond, “Why is Sex Fun?”  His other books are also excellent.

And hey, don’t hesitate to reply with your own questions.

Posted by Christian | Filed Under Dating Done Right | Comments 

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Ask The Social Man: meeting girls in high energy clubs

May 14, 2009

Our question comes from a Scandinavian reader, who asks how to meet girls in really loud, high-energy bars and clubs.

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Ask The Social Man: dating when you have a health disorder

May 13, 2009

Today, we answer a more serious question from a female reader, who was recently diagnosed with MS.

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Ask The Social Man: when you mess up with a girl who is into you

May 12, 2009

In today’s question, we explore how to fix the situation if you have annoyed, pissed off, or let down a girl who is into you.

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New Music For You

May 9, 2009

This isn’t my mixtape… but its damn good.  The Deck Bros are two guys out of Boston with mad turntable skills and a love for the old skool jams.  Their Crate Candy mixes are amazing if you’re into straight hip hop.  But on their Mashalicious mix, they get really creative; its all mash-up, all good, and if you like Girl Talk or any of the stuff I’ve put out, it’ll be right up your alley.  Fantastic for parties, and all your friend will be asking where you came by it. Right click on the image and choose “save link as…”, then download the MP3 right to your computer – and enjoy it!

And if you like ‘em, show them some love at www.deckbros.com.

Posted by Christian | Filed Under Live The Good Life | Comments 

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Ask The Social Man: meeting girls on short trips and summer vacations

May 8, 2009

Today, our reader asks us how to deal with the fact that he only has a week or two to get to know and have fun with a girl:

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Ask The Social Man: the long-term chase

May 7, 2009

Our reader today asks about whether or not he should set up a long-term chase with a romantic prospect, to increase the excitement and romance.

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A Lesson from Lebron James

May 5, 2009

Tonight, Lebron James and the Cavs are taking on the Hawks in the 2nd round of the NBA playoffs.

It’s going to be awesome to watch.

Lebron is absolutely TEARING through his competition. Tonight will be no different.

And there’s an important takeaway in all of this for you.

You see, right now Lebron is a man on a mission. He’s hungry for the title. He wants to go down as the greatest of all time.

But it wasn’t always this way.

You see, last seasion, it all ended for him with a loss to the Celtics.

Game 7, he gave it all, but he came up short.

He was crushed.

But it was in this moment of defeat that everything changed for him. He became hungry. He became determined. He became a man, on a mission.

Since then NO ONE in the world has worked harder at his craft. No one.

He completely revamped his outside shot, spending hours a day with his specialized shooting coach.

He started hiting the gym, daily, to pack on 10 pounds of size and strength.

And he started a new routines where he shows up to the court hours before each game and takes thousands of shots…before the game is even played.

What’s this got to do with you?

EVERYTHING

Lebron’s drive comes from his defeat. His hunger is fueled by a desire to overcome.

When he got knocked down in game 7 last year, he got up….guns blazing.

Think about your path to getting this area of your life handled.

What’s knocked you down in the past? How did you respond?

How far are you willing to go to get what you really want?

How hungry are you?

These are all things to think about. Things that will change your life.

And if you get a chance, watch the guy on TV tonight.

It might just spark something in you

Keep on Rockin,
Mark

www.conqueryourcampus.com

Posted by Christian | Filed Under Live The Good Life | Comments 

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Where Have We Been? (and something really cool)

May 3, 2009

So, we missed the last few days of Ask The Social Man… and there’s a good reason for that.

We’ve been editing Unbreakable and getting ready to put it out there in the world.  I’m personally doing the editing – this thing is my baby and I want it to be as singular a representation of my thoughts as possible.  Nick and I have learned a tremendous amount in the last year of working together, and there is so much great, new stuff on there that I cannot wait for people to see.

Speaking of which, we’ll be releasing about an hour of the program with Scot McKay’s upcoming program.  Scot is one crazy, cool mofo and you’ll definitely want to check out his new joint.

Now beyond that, I found something earlier today that is just too cool not to share.  Totally unrelated to dating advice but yeah, whatev… its awesome.  This guy NYLE, he goes to NYU, and he recorded the following video in ONE take, and all the music was recorded at the same time as the video.  Talk about a guy who loves his work.

Nyle “Let The Beat Build” from Nyle on Vimeo.

One last question: what would you like to see from us? Either leave a comment here or shoot us a message at mail at thesocialman.com. We love getting dating advice questions, but we’d really like to know what about our site is working for you, what’s not, and how we could be communicating with you better.

Rock and roll,
Christian

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