Ask The Social Man: how to ask for a date

March 31, 2009

“How do I say ‘let’s go on a date” without looking needy?

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Ask The Social Man: back to basics

March 30, 2009

Our question today: “What are the very basics to build upon?”

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Ask The Social Man: bringing a girl into your social circle

March 27, 2009

Today, we consider the question: “I went on a date with a girl, sparks didn’t fly, but we got along well as friends. How should I bring her into my social circle?”

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Ask The Social Man: when is the game over?

March 26, 2009

Today, we discuss Robert’s question, which is essentially: “how do I stop thinking about it as game and start making it a part of my life?”

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Ask The Social Man: taking friendship further

March 25, 2009

On today’s “women’s wednesdays”, we publicly share some advice we gave to our friend Diana about how to take a great friendship she has with a guy further.

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Ask The Social Man: when another guy flirts with your girl

March 24, 2009

“Lenny,” one of our former Unbreakable clients, asks what to do when a guy with good game is flirting with his girlfriend.

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friendly to flirty, fast

March 23, 2009

What follows is an email I sent out to a little “inner circle” of friends who were all asking how to quickly take things flirty/sexual in a conversation.

————
Hey guys… so three times this week, this has come up so I thought I’d just share it with a few of you on a bcc.  I’ll leave it up to your own ingenuity to figure out how to integrate it into your own conversations, but it is a  very effective “loop” of sorts.  It’s something I discovered one night when I was out with ***, and the second half is based off a lot of stuff I think I internalized from watching Nick. Here comes the geekiness.

1.) Situational Observation/Opinion
2.) High Value Hook
3.) Brief Story
4.) Screen on Personality Trait
5.) Future Project
6.) Sexual Barrier

Ok, let’s translate that.

Situational Observation/Opinion:
You make a comment / statement / thought about something situational. It could be the weather, the bar you’re at, the people you’re with, the drink in her hand, whatever. This is the “anchor” of the loop and lets you logically jump into the next topic, which is going to be a high value story about yourself (which would be weird to launch into without an anchor)

High Value Hook
You introduce something about your life here with a “that reminds me of” or “wish I was currently” or “the last time we were together” or some other such transition.  This is “bait” – you don’t want to give away too much here, but rather, let her ask about it to get some investment.

Brief Story w/ High Value Personality Traits
Once she’s asked about it, you tell a very brief story about it – again, leaving out lots of details so that she can ask if she wants. But the key here is to introduce something about your personality and call it out.  “It was the most spontaneous/adventurous thing I’ve ever done.” “It was the most trouble I’ve gotten in without getting thrown in jail.”  “It was one of the wildest nights of the last year.” Notice that these aren’t virtuous traits – they are things that set a tone for where you’re going next. There can also be a lot of little loops within the story, based on how receptive she is to it.  Again though, you must -conclude- this part of the conversation with your little personality trait assessment.  And one other point – the shorter your story, the better.  You can always come back to dive into details later, but at this point in the convo, the story is merely the vehicle for you to find similarities with her about personality traits.

Screen on Personality Trait
Now you screen her on something she’s done that follows that same trait.  “So what’s the most spontaneous/adventurous/troublesome thing you’ve ever
done?”  You have to calibrate this depending on how receptive she was to your story.  If you just shared something unbelievable and she’s got a boring life, she might not want to share.  This can take some finessing but once you get her qualifying herself, you’re golden.

She Tells Her Story
Try not to let it go on too long – just long enough to get a detail or two.  At this point, you can qualify her in any number of ways -  a basic compliment, isolation, etc.  But if you want to take things flirty, well…

Future Project
As far as I can tell, THIS is the biggest girl game trick in the book.  They always get us with future projections. So you have to do it first… so you are going to put the two of you together somewhere in the future.  “Ok, we clearly have to do/go to/experience X together,” where X is whatever you’ve been discussing.  Maybe you combine stories, so if it is about a drink, for example, you’d say “ok, we are going to go to Pegu club, and I’m going to try whatever drink you just told me about, and we’re going to sneak in some  Newcastles for you.” You can also get really absurd and just make something up – the more conspiratorial and outrageous the future projection, the better: travel to bali, touring with Phish, breaking into the CIA, etc. – things that you clearly are not going to do.  You can use more realistic future projections at other points, of course, but for this “taking things flirty” loop, its good to make them outrageous, because the next thing you do will be greatly aided by that.

Sexual Barrier
Finally, you introduce a sexual frame and put up a barrier. Anything that assumes that she wants you, but that it couldn’t happen. Learning to do these tactfully is a learned skill (and one that Nick is really, really good at) but some basic examples would be “but no funny business when we get drunk, I’m very easily taken advantage of and you look like the sort who would” or “but when we camp out, we’re getting separate tents so that we can focus on the music – I don’t want to have to worry about you crawling into my bed” or “but when we pick our outfits, I don’t want you wearing any sexy latex bodysuits or anything, I don’t need any distractions while I’m picking a lock”.

Depending on how tactfully you introduce the barrier, she may fall into the frame without a fight (i.e. just laugh, touch you, etc.), get sassy (put up a bit of a fight i.e. “oh really, well who said I…?”), or just shut it down and get dismissive.  First case, you can go for a kiss pretty soon thereafter, isolate, whatever the situation calls for.  Second case, that’s for another email but in general its a good thing because now you’re flirting.  Third case, you didn’t have her to begin with.

Here’s a final example – this is GREATLY abbreviated but basically the loop in action from about a month ago:

Me: “This weather sucks, etc..”
Her: “I know…”
Me: “I was just in Mexico, so much nicer there.”
Her: “Why were you there?”
Me: “Got drunk w friends and went there, it was way
spontaneous”
Her: Awesome
Me: “What’s the most spontaneous thing you’ve ever done?”
Her: (I honestly don’t remember what she said)
Me: That’s so cool, so let’s go to Mexico together and
we’ll also (whatever she said)
Her: hahaha sounds amazing
Me: But we definitely have to get two full beds, not one
king – I don’t know if I can trust someone so spontaneous
Her: Haha what…? You are the one who…!
Me: Wait a sec young lady….

And so on.  ***, this was with that girl at Verlaine – I’m sure you remember how she was ready to make out with me in like 5 mins.  I’ve since found myself using this many more times – most recently at Greenhouse, and sort of the other night at our place.

Technique-wise, there’s a lot in here that you can flip up – rather than a future projection, you could screen further, for example. Whatever the mood calls for.
—————–

You might have to practice this to make it second nature. It’s not “advanced,” but rather, something that has to become instinct.  I’d suggest actually writing it out in a Word doc or something, and use a story from you own life.  Spend ten minutes doing that a few times, and it’ll be locked in for you to use.

I’ve got to imagine that’s more fun than whatever work or studying or lounging you’re doing right now, anway ;)

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Ask The Social Man: getting out there!

March 23, 2009

Today’s question: “I’m ridiculously shy and unconfident.  How can I get better game? How can I improve my confidence?”

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How to “Hook” a Conversation

March 19, 2009

Heyyy.  So, Nick got really sick this week (poor guy), and we were unable to record our Ask The Social Man.  More on the way next week.  We’re doing some filming today for something else, but in the meantime, I thought I’d share an old email from my list.  These are the sort of messages you might receive if you’re subscribed (in the box just below this post).

And hey – if you have dating, pickup or general socializing questions, send them our way!  mail@thesocialman.com

———–
This week’s mailbag is a great followup to our question from
last week, and comes from AJ in Atlanta, with whom I’ve been
doing a bit of phone coaching.

**** READER QUESTION ****

I’ve been trying to push my comfort level 20% in terms of being
more sexual, and I’m slowly making progress.  I feel a little
bit out of character doing so sometimes, but I’m pushing for it
anyway.

Two quick questions that i’ve encountered in the field:

1. When using a compliment/direct interest opener, how do you
follow up the conversation and get it started?  Most of the time
Whenever I do it it’s kind of like:  Ex:

Me: Hey I saw you standing over here and I have to say I really
like your style, it’s really fun and crazy.

Her: Oh thanks. (smiles)

Me: (awkward pause) Ummmm…So where are you from?

Then things start to go slower, she looses interest and
eventually one of us bails.  Any suggestions on handling this
sort of scenario.  I really like more direct stuff and want to
get better.

—> CHRISTIAN SAYS:

AJ, after speaking with you and now reading this, I’m getting a feel for a consistent vibe that I think you’re putting off, especially doing direct:
1.) you’re not confident enough to pull off the strong direct opener
2.) you’re expecting her to pick up a lot of conversational slack far too soon

But its cool, we can deal with both of these issues.  We’re going to split this up into two parts:
1.) Delivery Confidence
a.) nonverbals
b.) word choice

2.) Post-Delivery
a.) justifying the opener
b.) your energy
c.) the “non-transitionables”

DELIVERY CONFIDENCE – NOVERBALS
The key here is as follows:  Your intent and your nonverbals must be as direct as your words.

I use direct stuff like this all the time, because it gets right to the point.  But it takes a strong man to pull it off. Look her in the eye.  Say it with a sexual intent.  Show her you take her seriously

So when you’re walking up to her, you make direct, intimate eye contact.  The look and vibe you’re emanating is very direct – no BS, very strong.  But also warm.  You’re very much *in control* of yourself and the interaction.  She knows that you’re not there to mess around and that you see her as a woman, not a girl.

DELIVERY CONFIDENCE – WORD CHOICE
Based on the conversations that you and I have had (and what I know about a lot of other guys I’ve worked with), direct is tough because you feel like you’re giving up control to a woman – taking a risk, putting it all on the line.  With the proper nonverbals and delivery, this couldn’t be further from the truth.  Direct gives you almost complete control, because you’ve stated your interest, and if she accepts your interest as legitimate, she’s essentially agreed to continue talking to you on your terms.

So now let’s look at your word choice: “I really like your style, it’s really crazy and fun.”

Not bad – you’re justifying your interest in something about her.  But it is still very noncomittal, and pretty vague. You’re not giving yourself a lot of control with such generalities. How about something else?

“I love your style. You’ve got a great look – you must be very creative.”

“I have to say – the way you’ve put your outfit together is so creative.  I love your sense of style.”

“Your style really stands out amongst everyone here, and I had to get to know the person behind such a great outfit.”

POST-DELIVERY – JUSTIFYING THE OPENER
Now let’s talk about the transition out of that opener, assuming she accepts it and says something like “oh, thanks.”   In your example, you’re jumping right into “interview questions” about where she’s from, maybe what she does, etc…  The problem here is that you’ve thrown away whatever credibility your opener gave
you to talk to her, because you’ve not followed up on the attribute on which you’re complimenting her.  So let’s run through a sample here that presents a better alternative:

YOU: “Hi there, I saw you from across the room and I have to say – the way you’ve put your outfit together is so creative.  I love your sense of style.”

HER: “Oh, thanks…”

YOU: “Are you in the fashion business, or did your eye just develop naturally?”

HER: “I guess it just kinda developed on its own.”

YOU: “That’s awesome, you definitely stand out in here.  What’s your name?”

HER: “I’m Danielle”

YOU: “Hey Danielle, I’m AJ. Really cool to meet you.”

All of a sudden things are much warmer.  Your opener has been justified by your interest in the follow-up questions and is congruent.  Now you can move along to other topics.

POST-DELIVERY – YOUR ENERGY
Ok AJ, having spoken with you, I can see where this part of your example comes from:
“(awkward pause) Ummmm…So where are you from?”

You’re a high energy guy.  But in your head, you’ve just dumped a lot of control onto the girl, and now you’re backing off and hoping that she’s going to take up the slack.  But let’s reverse the situation (and if this hasn’t happened to you yet, get a better haircut and some cool outfits).  A girl comes up to you out of the blue and says she likes your style. How would you respond?  Would you just start chatting about something with her?  Or would you be a little surprised, and need a second to compose yourself?

Very few girls hear a real, genuine complement delivered in a way that makes them believe it.  When they do, it takes them aback.  So be prepared to transition into something else right away.  There should be no pauses, no awkward silences.  You shouldn’t be expecting her to pick up on the energy just yet.

Its kind of like you’ve just popped someone with a taser, and you’ve got to carry that person along for a second while you wait for them to regain consciousness (note: please DO NOT use tasers on women you’re talking to.  This is illegal and super lame).

Keep giving energy to the interaction.  If she accepted your complement, keep flowing with a positive energy until she catches up to you.

POST-DELIVERY – THE “NON-TRANSITIONABLES”
Thus far we’ve been using your opener on her style.  This is something she has developed and cultivated, so it is easy to compliment her on it.  And you can transition into questions of how it developed, or mini cold-reads, like “you must be creative.” But what about when you’re complimenting her on her looks or some trait that she was born with?  These are rare – even a nice smile can be followed upon with a question about whether she had braces.  But in general, anything about her overall look, beauty or energy falls into the category of what I call “non-transitionable” direct openers.

“Hi, I just had to come over and say hello.  You have an incredible look – like a soft beauty – its very unique.”

“Excuse me – the way you move through this room – you have this energy that is so attractive.”

“I have to tell you – you’re one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever shared airspace with.”

These are intense and you better say them with some confidence.  But where do you go afterwards?  Well, you have a few options.

You can use the line popularized by Style – “But one thing I’ve learned is that beauty is common.  Its more important what’s on the inside.  Wouldn’t you agree?”  I don’t remember exactly how it goes, but its not great right after such a strong opener.  You’ve already put her on the spot, and now you’re qualifying
her.  Not likely to make her feel exactly comfy and cozy with you.

You can go right into your transition. The only problem is that it doesn’t allow for enough space for your complement to sink in:
- “Wanna dance? (at the club)
- “So are you mailing classified documents to china, or are
those homemade brownies for your kid brother?” (at the post
office)
- “What brings you out tonight?” (at a bar)

But the best option here is to introduce yourself, then go into your transition.  It lets her warm up to you more, and for your opener to sink in, before transitioning.

“Hey I gotta tell you – I wasn’t even planning on being out tonight but I’m happy I came – you dance incredibly and it has made my night to see you just now.”

“Wow, uhhh… thanks!”

“What’s your name?”

“I’m XXXXXXXX”

“Cool, I’m Christian.  Are you with a promoter tonight, have a table, here with friends…?”

That conversation happened verbatim at a club here in NYC called Marquee, a few months ago.  The girl was a model – dancing on a couch – and things worked out well between her and I.

So I hope this answered your question and all the possible permutations.  Kind of a long answer but I didn’t want to leave any stones unturned.
———

Reminder – if you have dating, pickup or general socializing questions, send them our way!  mail@thesocialman.com

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Ask The Social Man: developing your wit

March 13, 2009

How do you develop a quick wit? Our quick thoughts here:

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