What Women Want (in their own words)

January 30, 2009

I thought it would be fun to ask a few female friends to tell me what they liked and didn’t like in men.  Don’t take this stuff as gospel; there is a great study reported in the book Blink which reveals how susceptible our preferences are to unexpected surprises.  But hey, these are some smart girls, all in their mid-to-late twenties, and all of whom have no problem meeting and dating cool guys.  The questions I asked were as follows:

- what are three things that you look for in men?
- what are three things you can’t stand?
- what is a deal-breaker that would hold you back from a guy, even if everything else was great?
- in a city full of singles, why are so few people in relationships?
- has a man ever surprised you in the first few dates in a way that made you genuinely happy, and renewed your faith in men?

From Friend 1:

> – what are three things that you look for in men?
1. That he is responsible. Responsible for everything in his life,
from significant things such as caring for his family/loved ones, his
life direction, and career goals, to smaller specific things such as
paying the bills on time or calling when he says he will. He takes
things seriously and our relationship is very important to him.
Responsibility also stems from maturity.
2. That he can communicate honestly with me and others. He’s able and
willing to express his thoughts with me, as well as listen to me, so I
can do the same with him. Strong foundation for a solid relationship.
In a social setting, he’s able to hold his own. He doesn’t have to be
the life of the party, but hopefully can at least make a good first
impression on people I introduce him to..which shouldn’t be hard as
long as he is decent at communication! And of course honesty is a
highly valued trait — self explanatorily.
3. That he is ambitious/open-minded. Not in a monetary or career-based
way necessarily, but moreso that he is constantly striving to become a
better person by learning and exploring different facets and
opportunities in life. Always willing to try new things, travel to new
places, meet new people, enrich his life. The basis of a strong
relationship is when two people can live their lives individually yet
come together on common ground and still learn from each other.

> – what are three things you can’t stand?
pretty much the opposite of the 3 things I look for in a man. I can’t
stand a guy who’s:
1) untrustworthy (more on this in the next answer)
2) immature — and therefore terrible with communication, and irresponsible
3) unwilling to try new things — boring, stagnant
> – what is a deal-breaker that would hold you back from a guy, even if
> everything else was great?

I guess if i had to choose one — I can’t stand a guy who can’t keep
his word, and therefore a guy i can’t trust. If he says he’ll call,
then he should call. if he says he’ll do something, then it should be
done. I want to be able to depend on him without “nagging” at him. It
leads into a deeper issue of trust — and therefore a sense of healthy
independence even within an intimate relationship. If I trust my man
to keep his word and I trust that he knows right from wrong, then I
don’t mind if he wants to live his own life outside our time together.
If he wants to watch sports with the guys, sure. He wants to go
drinking at the bar with the guys, sure. He wants his own time to play
video games or whatever, sure! I am not a clingy type of person (mushy
maybe, but not clingy!) and the more I trust him the healthier both
our lives are, along with our relationship.

> – in a city full of singles, why are so few people in relationships?

New York is a place where someone can meet several new people every
day. Human nature is to always be seeking the best. If someone isn’t
in a relationship, every person they meet is a potential person to
date. There are so many talented, friendly, fun, amazing people in NYC
that every new person seems like a great catch. With all these
distractions, there is very little incentive to settle in a committed
relationship and take themselves out of the ’social, singles network
of NYC’ because there might always be a better person out there to
date! In smaller cities people meet others sparingly, so the options
are limited.

> – has a man ever surprised you in the first few dates in a way that made you
> genuinely happy, and renewed your faith in men?

Yes. There was someone that truly went out on a limb for me when i
needed help, and I honestly did not know him well enough to expect
that he would do such a thing for me. I wont really go into details on
this situation. But it did renew my faith in men, if not also people
in general.

From Friend 2:

- what are three things that you look for in men?
First and foremost is charisma/sense of humor… seriously if a guy can keep an audience captive, make me laugh, and is socially ahem normal that is a big plus. Second,  motivation ( not necessarily success) I don’t care if they are a starving artist as long as they are trying to push their work/get out there and do something motivation is sexy… 3. fun/interesting I really love guys that travel, speak different languages (or are learning), like cultural things and are always wanting to learn more I think it’s important that our significant others can teach us a thing or two.

- what are three things you can’t stand?
Cockiness, Over-eagerness (ew.), and shyness ( works for some people not me)

- what is a deal-breaker that would hold you back from a guy, even if everything else was great?
bad/no sexual chemistry (its true),  flakiness (Get it together!), selfishness
- in a city full of singles, why are so few people in relationships?
Actually a lot of my friends are in relationships right now (WTF) but I think honestly because everyone in NY is looking for the next best thing. Ever ask someone what they are doing? They pretty much across the board so “not sure” even if they have plans, why? because they think you have something better to offer. IT is how it is… the whole idea of “Keeping your options open” has let men in NY live in a proverbial playground of women….and women (who for the most part enjoy companionship especially as they get older) are left fighting over scumbags (WHOA!).
- has a man ever surprised you in the first few dates in a way that made you genuinely happy, and renewed your faith in men?
Ahh Yes. This one guy read my blog ( :) ) and sent me an item I had posted about it was so sweet and thoughtful.

From Friend 3:

- what are three things that you look for in men?
(no order and changes…) 1) intelligence, 2) attraction 3) humor
- what are three things you can’t stand?
1) arrogance/rude 2) unhealthy 3) no morals (under this category falls lying, cheating, etc)
- what is a deal-breaker that would hold you back from a guy, even if everything else was great? –>
1) drugs 2) controlling
- in a city full of singles, why are so few people in relationships?
1) what’s the next best thing attitude 2) too much temptation / confusion

From Friend 4:

1) humor, eccentricity, compassion
2) self-righteousness, arrogance, boring men
3) cheap mean
4) I seriously think people are far too often looking for companionship as opposed to real relationships. and people are actually severely uncomfortable with themselves and socially inept.
5) sometimes, but i don’t end up with them usually. I’ve met a lot of great guys, but the ones I actually end up with are usually close friends of mine.

From Friend 5:

On the surface/first meeting, I look for a guy that seems genuine and confident and happy, is wearing his clothes well (like with style and good fit. They don’t have to be expensive or flashy. Good men’s fashion is all about fit and the details and standing out in a subtle way), and is nice, chivalous and respectful to me instead of acting all bitter and making it clear that he thinks I’m trying to hook him and suck away all his money or something.
I hate guys who act the way I just mentioned. And I hate it when you’re talking and they’re clearly adjusting everything they say to you, like over-identifying, esp. if they over-identify the wrong emotion. Like we’re talking about a situation or something in my life and he wants to get in good with me, so when I say X happened, he says “Oh my God, that’s awful! I can’t believe it! That bitch be crazy!” and I’m like dude… It’s cool. Because if I felt that bad about it, I wouldn’t be telling a stranger. And I also hate it when people project their insecurities on me and assume that I need XX for validation just because they do.
Dealbreakers: bad sex (sometimes even if you’re attracted to someone, it’s just not a good combination), bad communication, and lying, even about small things. Because you start with small things, and then you move on….
The problem with a city full of singles is if you have a group of real friends that you get emotional bonds from, it’s too fun to be single. It makes it easy not to settle down, because if you find any small thing wrong with someone, you know there are hundreds more out there to try. For me, it’d take a real connection with someone to make me want to settle down. And even then, it’s hard to be the one in a relationship if your other friends are out playing the field and having a great time. Everyone else seems to be in the same mindset too, so even if you find someone you like, they’re probably going to be so distracted by other people that they’re not going to give you the time and consideration you deserve.
From Friend 6:
- what are three things that you look for in men?
1. individuality, 2. confidence, 3. intellect
- what are three things you can’t stand?
1. making lewd comments about women, 2. cockiness, 3. lack of confidence
- what is a deal-breaker that would hold you back from a guy, even if everything else was great? lack of any future goals/immaturity
- in a city full of singles, why are so few people in relationships? with so many singles there is a lot to explore. maybe being with one person is hard with so many options around.
- has a man ever surprised you in the first few dates in a way that made you genuinely happy, and renewed your faith in men? yes, coming across people who don’t feel like they have to play games (i.e. wait to call, wait to text back, wait to show kindness and interest)
From Friend 7:
what are three things that you look for in men?
1. confidence; 2. looks; 3. intelligence
- what are three things you can’t stand?
1. pettiness; 2. having no manners; 3. insecurity
- what is a deal-breaker that would hold you back from a guy, even if everything else was great?
if he does drugs (any kind of outlawed substance)
- in a city full of singles, why are so few people in relationships?
people *always* think there is someone else better out there.
- has a man ever surprised you in the first few dates in a way that made you genuinely happy, and renewed your faith in men?
no, not yet unfortunately.
From Friend 8:
- what are three things that you look for in men?
sense of humor, intelligence, and kindness
- what are three things you can’t stand?
arrogance, disrespectful behavior, and ignorance
- what is a deal-breaker that would hold you back from a guy, even if everything else was great?
lack of intellect and drive. unfortunately, dealing with this right now and even though it may make me sound pretentious i just believe that for long-run every woman deserves someone who challenges them and can make them grow as a person.
- in a city full of singles, why are so few people in relationships?
everyone has their guard up in ny and because of this it’s really hard to meet people in general and when someone does approach you, it’s hard to let that guard down and actually give them a chance. it seems the best way to meet people here is to meet them through a mutual friend, that way they’ve already been vetted by someone you trust and therefore, the chances of success are higher.
- has a man ever surprised you in the first few dates in a way that made you genuinely happy, and renewed your faith in men?
yes, he was completely genuine and direct with me, and did not play any games. games are futile in general and people should just be real with each other from the very beginning…it will save you from much headache later. guys, take note!
So there you have it, and I will leave you to draw your own conclusions!

Posted by Christian | Filed Under Women And The World | Comments 

Name: Email:

Why It Annoys Women When You Flirt

January 29, 2009

The other night, a female friend and I hosted a party on a swanky little hotel rooftop, with 60 or so friends and acquaintances; not bad for a Monday.  I think this officially makes me a promoter, but as the event went from 6-10 and was more of a cocktails and conversation thing, I don’t feel too rouge-ish :)

Inevitably, there are going to be a few guys at every party who make the women feel weird or offended.  I’m sure I’ve been that guy many times.  The funny thing is that these days, women come up to me and ask “how do you know that guy?” and it is almost always more than one woman if the guy is weird or offensive enough.

One of my guests the other night racked up three separate complaints: that being about 7% of the women there, that’s quite a tally!  This called for troubleshooting.

Listening in on this guest’s conversations, it became immediately clear what was going on.  As it is something that I’ve seen MANY men do, it certainly warrants mention here.  It has to do with teasing and flirting.

This guest was doing and saying things which had the right intention behind them, but which came out wrong.  This can happen with a ‘fake it till you make it’ attitude, or frankly, when a guy hangs out with one of us and sees some of what we’re doing, but not all of it.  The guy in question has spent some time with us and has probably not quite internalized how we flirt.

For example, I might see a fedora on a woman and say “you look like Michael Jackson in that hat.  But don’t worry, he’s hot – all that plastic surgery has made him look very feminine and refined.”

This is a subtle push-pull.  I’m teasing her, then complimenting her.  Its cute and flirtatious.  And in attempting to copy it, there are any number of ways it could be messed up :)

For example:

  • you look like Michael Jackson in that hat (without a pull, this statement is just weird)
  • you look like Frank Sinatra in that hat (bad metaphor)
  • I’d look better in that hat (possible… but only if she’s really into him and he’s going to give her something of his to wear as a trade-off)
  • you look like Michael Jackson in that hat.  Have you had plastic surgery? (d’oh)

So what I see MOST often is that men go too far on the pushing (to the point of being insulting) and not far enough on the pulling. I see this with a LOT of guys, and started to wonder the root cause, so let’s speculate for a moment here.

When a man is doing too much “push”, he’s looking for a reaction from a woman.  By pushing or even insulting her, he’s hoping that she is going to sort of rebound back to him and “push” him back.  Its like one of those inflatable plastic clowns with the weighted base that comes back and bops him.  All of a sudden, there’s a fun back and forth, and she’s engaged.

The problem is that if she’s not already into him, she’s not likely to respond well to that push alone.  Its as if there’s no weight in the base of the clown.

And to extend the metaphor, a gentle push is all that’s needed to get the back-and-forth going.  Anything stronger and you risk deflating the clown or pushing it away from you.  There was always the one kid with anger management issues who just went at that poor clown with the fury of the Dresden bombing, punching and kicking it well across the room.

So what’s the root cause here?  In many cases, I believe it to be the following: the man has begun to adopt a more playful frame, but he still over-values the woman, and may even have some repressed anger towards women in general.  A guy wouldn’t push so hard on something if he wasn’t looking for a strong reaction.  This is not how a guy acts around his grandparents.

Moreover, a guy’s failure to do a “pull” reveals even more insecurity.  He’s not confident enough in himself or in the frame that she likes him, so to put himself out there with a pull is just too much.

There could be one other root cause: a sense of entitlement.  Think back to grade school when you’d have the cool kid who all the girls like to be around.  There was always one friend of his who was a total dick.  Somehow, the cool kid liked this guy, but no one else did.  And the guy felt that because he was in the cool kid’s good graces, he had license to act as he pleased.

To bring this back to what my guest was doing… he actually wanted to get to know the women.  But his efforts to engage them on this level were confounded by poor execution, and probably a little bit of lingering resentment.  And his association with Nick and I – two of the most connected guys at the party – gave him a bit too much confidence for how much value he was actually bringing on his own.

That’s a lot to read into one little statement.  But hey, women are very intuitive.

If you find yourself getting weird looks and responses from women, and even defensiveness, as you attempt to flirt with them, this could be why.  Take a good hard look at what you’re saying and why; its not too hard to fix, and you’ll have a lot more women enjoying your company!

Posted by Christian | Filed Under Pickup Your Game | Comments 

Name: Email:

Being Mr. Social

January 28, 2009

I’ve met my last three girlfriends, and three of the last six or so girls I’ve dated, through social circles.  And these were some of the “best” girls I’ve ever been with. There were always some common threads to how I managed to build attraction with these girls, but today, I want to discuss how you can put yourself in the position to actually meet women.

But before we start… this is primarily targeted to men who want to meet, be friends with, and date very hot, very social women.  Typically these are younger girls (i.e. 20-25) who are not looking for marriage or long-term partners in the men they date.  So with that caveat, onwards…

If you’ve had the chance to read my friend Mark’s book Conquer Your Campus, (www.conqueryourcampus.com), some of these concepts will be very familiar to you.  Even if you’re not in college, the book is the best primer on social circle game I’ve ever seen.  And men who are good with women on campus almost inevitably can answer the following question: where’s the best party at tonight?

Ok, so why is this such an important question?  Well, let’s consider a hot girl’s reality for a second.

The other week I was hanging out with two girls  – a friend, and a former hookup – who are both 21 and incredibly hot. We’re in New York, so on top of the interest they’re getting from college guys, there are also umpteen club promoters trying to get the girls motivated to go out. Their options were as follows:
- cheap drinks at Asian Pub with just the three of us (a college bar by NYU)
- free dinner at Barna (hosted by a promoter) followed by clubbing at Marquee (good on Thurs)
- clubbing at Cain and Suzie Wong’s (not great on Thursday)
- clubbing at Room Service and tenjune (better clubs) with me/my friends
- drinks with their college friends in Greenwich Village – staying in

So all of these options rolled in via text from about 7pm to 11pm when we were hanging out.  That’s a lot of options for a Thursday night.  Needless to say, many guys are competing for these girls’ time.

Now, there are a lot of factors that go into who girls will hang out with on any given night.  I’ll elaborate on these more in the future, but in short, they include:
- the guys who will be there
- the girls who will be there
- the effort it takes to get there
- the type of venue
- the weather
- what their friends want to do.

So there are some things in that list that you can’t control, like the weather, or how much effort it will take to get there.  But there are some things you can control, and they almost all relate to which parties you know about.  So we get back to the original point of the email – where’s the party at?

When attractive single girls go out, they want their night taken care of.  They don’t want to have to think about logistics or where they’re going next.  In the back of their minds, they have a faint conception of how late they’ll be out and where they’re sleeping that night, but that’s about it.

So being a guy who dates and is friends with these girls is all about having options and leading girls to the right places.  It is all about -knowing where the party is at.

If this is the lifestyle you want to pursue, its going to take some energy.   But man, its fun.

My general rule is thus: know of a good pre-party and/or dinner spot, know where one or two great parties are (with different vibes at each), and know where a good post-party is.

Every night of the week.

Well, that’s if you want to be mr social.  But even on the busy nights, you need a plan.  You need to be *totally on top of it* and make it look effortless.

This means lots of calls, lots of text messages.  There’s an old saying, “build your network when you don’t need it”.  Even on off nights, you should be hitting up the people you’re planning on partying with on the weekend.  Common texts from my phone when I’m in hardcore social mode include:

- ” Hows your night going bro?”

- “Having a good time tonight hon?”

- “Yoooo I’m zonked but hope you’re partying it up”

- “You better be getting into big trouble right now”

- “Hey man you need me to send some cool girls your way?”

- “Hey babe I have some friends at {venue x}, I’m not out tonight but lemme know if you wanna meet them”

- “Hey hottie hope your keeping it rock and f’ing roll tonight.”

And of course, derivatives of these.  When you start pumping out positive social energy in this way, people are thinking about you even when you’re not there – you’re adding to their night with your positivity and attention. And sometimes (I’m sure this has happened to you) you catch someone when they’re just not having fun, and they’re thrilled to be able to turn their attention to texting with you for five minutes.  Play your cards right, and that girl you texted may just come by to meet you as her evening comes to a close.

With a solid baseline of outbound social positivity (wow, that sounds like a phrase looking for an acronym if ever there was one), you can start pinging people earlier in the evening – around 5 or 6 – to see what’s on their radar for the night.  Some people will have solid plans, others are looking for a fun party.

“Hey chief whats your evening look like?”

“Whats up hun whats going on w you tonight?”

So now you start assembling the pieces.  Find a few girls who don’t have anything settled, and tell them about a great house party your guy friends are having.  Then once you’re there, pull everyone out to the bar where more of your friends are hanging out.  Finish the evening (or start the morning!) at your house, with cocktails and the requisite Bob Marley music.

This isn’t without it’s work.  It’ll be a lot more effective for you if you’re looking for a very full social life, rather than, say, looking for a wifey.

But with a month or two of energy, you’ll quickly find yourself on the receiving end of party invites, tons of text messages, and lots of fun.  You’ll be the go-to-guy for a good time.

And that is a *great* way to start meeting the most desirable girls without ever having to do a cold approach.

Posted by Christian | Filed Under Live The Good Life | Comments 

Name: Email:

Best Quote of the Year (so far)

January 28, 2009

This one comes from leveragedsellout.com, a favorite blog of bankers, traders, and other finance-types who think they’re better than all the other finance-types who don’t read the site.

“For as long as I can remember, friends of mine used the names of boutique banks to refer to anything struggling or broken down: cars, clothes, electronics. I’ve seen a guy who himself worked at a boutique fail at picking up a girl and then bow his head in shame and say to himself: “Damn. That was so Piper Jaffray-ish of me.”

If you found this funny, you should probably consider picking up lso’s rather hilarious book, Damn It Feels Good To Be a Banker.

Posted by Christian | Filed Under Etc. | Comments 

Name: Email:

Audio Mailbag: Falling In Love

January 27, 2009

Today’s question comes from “robert” who is sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g.

Yo Christian,

Hope you’re staying warm out there.  I imagine you’re either going to the inauguration or hosting a killer party to celebrate it…

Anyways, I wanted to thank you, keep you posted about me, and ask a question…I’ll make it short and sweet!

I’m blessed to be where I’m at right now…I’m more confident, aware, and happier than ever.  I made a choice to develop myself and I have done just that.  Your insights/material/advice/input into dating and life have contributed significantly to my growth, and I thank you.

Recently I met an amazing girl and we are now in a monogamous relationship. She fits very well into the “girlfriend” role for me.  Unbreakable had A LOT to do with getting me in the right place to have such an awesome girl.  It’s also been a guide for me in other areas of life.  So I’m really enjoying life and spreading love like a mo’ fo!

My question…So my girlfriend is on another level from all the other women I’ve dated or even just socialized with.  She has all of the physical qualities that make me happy, and that’s not very hard to find in Orange County, but she is a self aware and extremely intelligent person as well.  She is out to “give love” in the same sense that you and I practice.  She is positive and giving…self assured and confident…etc…etc…

It appears to me, that this girl does not face the same insecurities as regular women.  And at times, I question if my development is on par with hers.  So I’m wondering if you can relate to this situation at all and perhaps shed some insights…

I’ve resolved to just enjoy what our relationship is and try not to over think things…but I want to “stay at my razors edge” and keep developing myself.

I’m wondering if I’m getting too into her…like falling in love…this is a completely new thing for me…have you experienced this?

I hope that was coherent! haha  It was kind of stream of consciousness..

Thanks again, man.

Cheers, and so happy to see you at this point.  Here are some thoughts for you!

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Posted by Christian | Filed Under Women And The World | Comments 

Name: Email:

Audio Mailbag: Insecure Girls

January 20, 2009

This one was interesting to me, because both one of my best friends and I have dated girls exactly like this.

My friend, Tom, is a sophomore in college. Almost every time he is on break back at his parents house he spends a lot of time with a girl whom he went to high school with of the same age. I believe they did formally date for a while back then also. Anyway, he would go out and see her an awful lot – I’m talking taking her to a musical, out to dinner, at her house late into the night, etc. They do have sex but I don’t think they really acknowledged that they were in a relationship until recently.

This is because while he goes to an east coast school she goes to college in the midwest. Still, though, this email is not about maintaining long distance relationships. That was just background. The problem here is this:

Tom says that occassionally the girl texts or calls him from college with stories about awkward situations she was just in, like denying a guy a kiss or a guy telling her that he loves her when she does not love him. The stories bother him because he doesn’t know why she allows guys to pursue her so long before breaking the reality of the situation to them. Although it sounds like jealousy, he insists he’s not worried about the guys getting anywhere with her and I believe him.

He says that often when she tells him these stories she asks him why a guy would do that and he explicitly explains to her how guys think and how some stuff she does (like taking rides from guys and going to parties with them) might lead them on, and yet it keeps happening. From what I can tell this is the fact that seems to be bothering him. It seems to me that there is probably a feeling within this that is the real cause, but I don’t know what it is.

Another part of the situation is that he and the girl have known each other for a very long time. When they dated in high school, he felt that the way he felt for her was far greater than what she felt for him, so now there is a slight fear of doing anything that might push her away. He knows that she doesn’t really like discussing the stuff I’m talking about here so he doesn’t really want to bring it up. While that seems like a problem in and of itself, it’s not the focus of this email.

So my question is this. She recently texted him that a guy told her that he loved her. He knows she does not love him – the text was… an interesting factoid, to her. How should he respond to this? What are your thoughts on the situation?

Keep in mind that this whole thing took about 45 minutes to an hour for him to tell me, so I might have missed something in this email. Feel free to email me back with questions about the situation or to clarify something I said.

I’m very much looking forward to your response – I come to you because you’ve helped me so much in the past with your blog and everything else. Thanks for taking the time to read all that and I hope you’ll email me back.

Your “friend”, eh?  Lol… I actually do believe you and I hope that this advice makes its way to Tom.

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Posted by Christian | Filed Under Women And The World | Comments 

Name: Email:

Audio Mailbag: That One Special Girl

January 13, 2009

A sad email today – and a situation that I think most men (and women) can identify with.  I’ve paraphrased parts of the email, and removed other things that may be too personal.

I’ve been reading the social man forum for quite some while and so have david’s forum. Right now I am completely heart broken and in desperate need of help.  I’ve been going out with this girl since June 2008. Things were going smooth until in November, when she sent me an e-mail citing what was wrong with the relationship. Her main complaints were that: I didn’t appreciate her enough, I took her for granted and I didn’t treat her right. She makes it out like I cheated on her. After reading the e-mail I call her, we went back and forth nothing productive came out of it. The next day, I text her saying I was willing to make changed and put an effort into this relationship. She said what specifically was going to change and in the end was like ok thats fine, but I need maybe this weekend and the next week to myself. If you want to you can call me, if not I can understand. So I give her alone time, and when i didn’t hear back from her in 5 days, I texted her. Since then things have not been the same. I feel like I am at times dealing with a different person. Her thing was that when you hurt someone you can’t expect them to bounce back to being the way they were. Before this our relationship was very loving and caring, she would do anything for me. I would get into more specifics, but i know your time is prescious hence i’m trying to keep it as short as possible. So we saw each other 3-4x after that, communication was improving. After the semester ended she went back to home from college. At the end of December, she sends me a message on facebook saying it’s not going to work out because she can’t let go of the way i treated her and gets bitter everytime she thinks about it. This is weird b/c six days earlier, she texted me at 4:30 AM saying I do love you in case you cared and I didn’t do anything wrong in between. I really love this girl and know she is the one. It’s so painful, I would do anything to get her back and reinstate what we had. Please help me, I will deeply appreciate it.

I know that my answer isn’t going to make this poor guy happy… but its the most realistic advice I can give.

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Posted by Christian | Filed Under Dating Done Right | Comments 

Name: Email:

Audio Mailbag: Social Groups

January 6, 2009

Happy New Years! Today’s question comes from Aakash.

So one of the things I’ve been working on on my road to being ever more social is how to become an integral part of an already established social group. Do you have any tips?

Sure do… this is going to be a big part of our focus this year.  Here’s a few quick thoughts for you.

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Posted by Christian | Filed Under Live The Good Life | Comments 

Name: Email:

Getting out of the Friend Zone: Tip #143

January 5, 2009

A few weeks ago, I sent an email out about how to shift your relationship with a girl from ‘friend’ to something more.  If you’re not on my mailing list, sorry… its been closed for about six months now (but I’m about to reopen it).

Anyway, a reader sent this tip in and I thought I’d share it:

Another thing I’ve found useful to spark that attraction in a friend-zone [hah, now I remember that my whole involvement with "the community" started when a friend told me to google the ladder theory] is to do some new and unique activities with her, preferably some that frame you in a brilliant, leading role. It all helps to recreate her definition of you and how she feels, of course.

Great advice, especially about doing anthing that has you in a brilliant, leadership role.  Thanks J!

Also, my friend Stephen Nash wrote a great article about why most guys DON’T change and don’t keep their new year’s reoslutions.  Fantastic read right here.

Posted by Christian | Filed Under Dating Done Right | Comments 

Name: Email: