How to Get Out of Your Head

October 28, 2008

Spain is beautiful.  I’ve now visited France, the UK, Holland, Germany and Italy here in Europe, but something about this one has captivated me uniquely.  I’m here with my family, and the cities (well most of the cities) we’ve visited, and the people therein seem to have some sort of way about them, a certain energy or vibe, that is at once warm, elegant, and beautiful.

With that said, I’ve been doing a lot of work on this trip – a lot of “in my head” sort of stuff in advance of a few things that we’ll be releasing in November and December. And whenever I get in my head, I become, well… slightly off.

My head is a place where systems and logic take charge.  Where if/then conditionals are torn apart, tested, and reconstituted.  Sometimes notepads are involved.  I have a slightly odd perspective on human relations – one that is able to analyze without emotion, even when I’m the subject of the interaction – that has perhaps come from too much time watching and coaching men to better interact with women.

But I’ve found one sure-fire remedy for in-my-headness.  The haiku.  A humble poem that attempts to encapsulate a moment in the briefest of words and tones.

If you’ve never before done poetry or haiku writing, I encourage you to try it.  It really gets you out of your head and into the world around you.  It makes me feel at peace while I’m doing it.

My favorite haiku ever, and always my inspiration, was authored by science fiction writer Neil Stephenson.  If you’ve ever read something better than this, please share.

The leaves of Shanghai.
Pale doorways to a steel sky.
Winter has begun.

I won’t claim to be a great haiku-ist, but here are a few I penned on the train from Jarez to Sevilla today, regarding various people and experiences of the last week.

————–

Dusk’s gradient sky.
The train’s window a canvas.
She is coming home.

————–

The chill of Jarez.
Forever fall in this town,
its season and heart.

————–

She floats: an arrow,
Grace and beauty in motion,
deadly when she strikes.

————–

Perfume fills the air,
voices join; women in love
with life and friendship

————–

Family is home.
We merely fly, the world spins
and takes us with it.

————–

Posted by Christian | Filed Under Crank Your Confidence | Comments 

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How to Become Calibrated

October 6, 2008

Last week I wrote about creepy pickup guy.  He sees every woman as a target and he’s always trying to seduce them.  You might make fun of the guy by asking a group “does this guy have an off button?”

I should have clarified, though. That guy is overconfident creepy pickup guy.

There are plenty of overconfident guys out there.  They learn an opinion opener or two and take that knowledge as liberty to be too aggressive with women.  They’re completely uncalibrated. They believe that they have a strong frame of reality, but other people see through the shtick.  Those are the guys who need to learn to chill out.

But there’s another sort of creepy – a kind that doesn’t mean to be.  In fact, its very well-meaning.  Some guys are just too quiet, too timid, and too afraid to initiate any sort of physical contact.  They’ve grown up learning to be “nice”, and they unfortunately mistake “nice” for “meek”. Needless to say, meekness can come across as creepiness too.

Nick and I have received a very small amount of notoriety for the bombing openers we teach on our bootcamps.  We’ll come up with a ridiculous thing for you to say that, were it taken for its verbal content alone, would be sure to get you rejected.  But it is a very useful tool for guys who’ve been too nice for too long and need to learn how to add excitement to their conversations.  Moreover, if you present a bombing opener with the right attitude and energy, it almost always opens a fun conversation.

This past weekend, Nick introduced kino bombing, when he told a client to go sit on a girl’s lap as his “opener”.  The client had been experience a lot of difficulty in making any sort of physical connection, so this exercise was both amusing and terrifying.  But it worked; not only did the girl actually like the client, but it reset his guage for what is possible.

Very few of us are born with perfect social intelligence and calibration; developing those traits is a matter of trying new behaviors.  These behaviors may push you well beyond your comfort zone, and you may surprise yourself along the way with just how much you can get away with.  For many men, this sort of exercise is phenomenal – as long as they remembers that it is just an exercise.  Bringing these sorts of behaviors into social groups and longstanding relationships is anathema.

Why do guys take bootcamps?  They may come in looking for lines and things to say.  But ultimately, getting better at socializing means adopting new behaviors and becoming more calibrated; this is why things like bootcamps and coaches exist – to guide you through the process in a controlled manner.  And hey, you can do it on your own if you have lots of self-awareness, discipline, and well, balls.

But it all starts with awareness.  If you’re feeling uncalibrated, my first thought is this: overconfident creepy pickup guy is no more calibrated than his meek counterpart.  Figure out which side of the coin you’re on, and begin to try behaviors that are way different.

Posted by Christian | Filed Under Pickup Your Game | Comments 

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Don’t Be Creepy Pickup Guy

October 1, 2008

**** READER QUESTION ****

Christian, I’ve been into this pickup stuff for about six months now.  I read The Game and bought a DVD product, and I noticed myself changing.  I got a little more confident, have had some great successes but I also noticed that I was alienating people.

You seem very natural and, well… you don’t seem like a weirdo.  In fact, you seem like a guy I’d just want to hang out with.  After I got your email about your party, I thought about how I would fit into your social circle and I realized that I am very unconfidant about myself because I’m worried that I’ve become “creepy pickup guy”.

Any thoughts?

—> CHRISTIAN SAYS:

Thanks man, glad I’m “not a weirdo.”  That’s the nicest thing anyone’s told me in 2 weeks.

In the past, I’ve occasionally invited “community” people to my parties and I almost always regret it.  Creepy Pickup Guy is scarier than any zombie or mummy.  So these days, I’m VERY selective about the guys who I let into my life.

The thing is, I really care about the girls in my life. And that’s the first step towards being not-creepy guy who is good with women.  Do you like women?

When guys get into this stuff, they hear stories about gurus who get laid like rockstars, they read about the shenanigans and the trouble and the fun, and it is very appealing.  So they may let their values get out of wack.  All the symptoms are rooted in one cause.

Creepy Pickup Guy is Creepy is because he treats women as “targets.”

This comes across in many ways.  He attempts to get a girl’s number not because he actually likes her, but because he thinks he should.  He tries to build connections where there are none.  He’s inauthentic.  He assumes that every girl he talks to needs to be “gamed”.  And he hugs WAY TOO DAMN MUCH.

This is so unnattractive and creepy.  Know why?

It smacks of effort.

Look, an interesting thing happens when guys start studying this stuff.  Let’s say they were 99% wimp before.  They read an eBook and all of a sudden then swing the other way and become 99% tough guy.  Still unattractive.

Or let’s say that they were very shy and introverted before.  The notion of “kino,” or playfully touching a girl, was foreign to them.  So now they read they should kino, and they start doing it all the time.

And since he was always in the friend zone before, he now pushes too hard with every girl he meets.

Creepy Pickup Guy probably once heard someone tell him that “its always on”.

Well, that’s not exactly right.

When its “always on,” you stop being authentic.  Game is called game for a reason – it is a set of superficial techniques and tools meant to help break down social barriers and build attraction.  But in chill social situations like a house party, the barriers are already broken down.

Gaming a girl at a house party is like laying seige to a city with no walls or towers.

A MUCH BETTER mindset is “I’m going to have fun with everyone and see who I get along with.”  You’ll make friends with some of the girls and realize that they’re not for you.  You’ll find sexual chemistry with others.  You’ll understand *why* you’re taking numbers.

I attribute a lot of my social circle success to a very casual attitude, and the mindset that girls I meet in social situations are friends until proven otherwise.

Most of the community people I know, though… I can’t trust that they will be respectful to my female friends, that they’ll have the sense to turn the game off and just enjoy themselves.

Its ok to be a little bit edgy.  But don’t be creepy.

Posted by Christian | Filed Under Pickup Your Game | Comments 

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