Welcome to the World of the Social Man

July 31, 2008

When Nick and I started working together, we felt it was important that we show that we not only talk the talk, but walk the walk.  Its easy to put a website together, write a few blog posts, and sound like you know a thing or two about meeting women.  Well, we had fun going out, collecting a few photos, and editing this one ourselves in iMovie. Enjoy…

And for those wondering, the song is “Rise Up” by Yves Larock.  Quite popular as of early spring – mid summer of ‘08 in the club scene…

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Changing Your Stars

July 26, 2008

“I ain’t play the hand I was dealt, I change my cards
I prayed to the sky and I changed my stars.”
- Kanye West, “Last Call”

I like to think that we’re approaching things differently at The Social Man. This isn’t a pickup company; none of us would be involved if that was the extent of it. Can we teach you how to pick up girls? Fo sho. But our vision is something bigger. Its about elevating the quality of your life, about pushing yourself to experience the things that you as a man want and deserve.

Getting “game,” or “social skills,” as I like to say, is a small part of the puzzle. An important part if it is lacking, but not the whole shebang.

A man wants to date a “9″ or a “10″. Fine.

A man wants a social circle full of awesome people. Fine.

A man wants a cool, easygoing, attractive girlfriend. Fine.

But he better come correct. He better properly deserve those things. A false sense of confidence and a little bit of conversational material meant to generate attraction isn’t going to cut it. Not for the long term, not for anything sustainable. I learned this the hard way, and my hope is that others can learn from my mistakes.

So when I receive emails such as the following – a rare occurrence, to be sure – I always enjoy them for how far off the mark they are:

Hey Christian,

Here’s the problem with you right now:

You talk and speak from a position of status. Young, good looking, successful, living in New York. You have to seriously tone things down a bit, because most people simply can’t relate to where you’re coming from. Guess what? I didn’t spent my evening frolicking in the hottest night clubs and private parties in NY. I mean, forget game. Young, rich, handsome, successful … just show up.

You need a few zeros that succeeded, not pictures (if I recall) of a young, dashing, successful, well dressed, entrepreneur sharing martinis with young, beautiful girls.

That just reaffirms what we already know … and makes your whole dating approach a farce.

Best,
G

Hmm, where to start? Well, to G’s point about money, I dated more some of the most objectively attractive girls in my life when I was 50-80 grand in debt (a ridiculous sum, for sure). Money helps, but isn’t the be-all-end-all. And as for looks, I never used to be considered good looking, and I’m a sight to be seen when I roll out of bed in the morning. But I worked hard to figure out a look that works for me and catches a few eyes here and there. It doesn’t happen without a hair dryer and attention to detail.

And most importantly, just showing up – anywhere – isn’t enough. Bruce Wayne could roll up in his Lambo, rocking a Cucinelli sport coat, but if he doesn’t have some confidence and an ability to have fun and carry a conversation, no halfway cool girl is going to want him in her life. As for me and the places I go? Full of dudes who are way better looking and wealthier than me.

So look, a guy can can come up with a million excuses for why he can’t have what he wants. But read any success story and you won’t hear about excuses. You’ll hear about people who believed in themselves, who couldn’t be kept down and for whom every obstacle was merely a test of their determination.

I find that worldview is one of the most important determinants of success. I used to be super-negative. Everything had a dark cloud over it and I thought the world was out to get me. Whatever external things were good in my life, I was a straight up zero in my own mind.

I remember moving into a new house in Ann Arbor when I was 21, on a street where there were parties every night, and laying in bed depressed, quietly hating the people making noise outside, having fun, and keeping me awake. One night I cried because I didn’t understand how to get along with these people. I had money. I was the only kid in town with a jet black Audi TT. Did it matter one bit? No way… my attitude and worldview were a mess. These days, I’m confident because of how far I’ve come and how well I know myself.

As for the lives we all lead, look… my life is my own. Its not for everyone, but its exactly what I want for myself and that’s the point of all of this. Everyone I work with here has achieved a lifestyle that works for them. We try to offer some insight into these lives because we think that its important to know that the person from whom you’re taking advice practices what they preach. And if a guy wants something a little less, uh… intense, that’s totally cool. We can teach him the social skills he needs, and we can get to know him and work with him towards his goals. We want him to find the steam to power his dreams. Take it from us or find it in himself.

Sadly, G here mistook form for function. I suspect that he hasn’t watched our videos about what we teach, or done much exploring otherwise to find the core goodness in the message. Maybe that’s our fault. Maybe we should share less about our lives and just let the thoughts and ideas represent themselves. Or maybe we just need to make fun of ourselves a little bit. Russell Brand, one of the funniest comedians I’ve seen in ages, writes in his biography…

If you strip away self-effacement, charm and the spirit of mischief – qualities that make determination and ambition tolerable – you’re left with a right arsehole.

Whatever the case, what we really want – and I mean what we are dedicating our lives to – is to help our clients achieve what they want: social freedom and versatility. That could come in the form of bumming around with a backpack in Asia and making friends at hostels, poppin’ bottles at Movida in London, or making the most the college years in Wisconsin. So come correct when you write to us. And if we can help you make it happen, we’ll do everything we can.

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Choices, Choices

July 22, 2008

Tuesday at Marquee is always a good time. The last time I went, I was accompanied by a random, gorgeous 21 year old brunette who I met as she was smoking outside of a restaurant near my place. Things were going swimmingly well with her until she went to the bathroom around 3 AM, and a random gorgeous 21 year old blonde started making out with me unprovoked. Quite literally – I was walking over to a friend’s table, and was grabbed and accosted by kisses. This sort of thing is a rarity, and depending on the club and the night, can be either welcomed (as it was with this girl) or cause for actually tipping the bathroom attendant a buck or two so that you can rinse with his listerine with impunity.

Anyway, the first gorgeous 21 year old returned in time to see these shenanigans, and being a.) invested in our conversation and in a few shots she’d bought me and b.) intoxicated and emotionally lathered, was having none of it. I could only see a head being shaken in disgrace and slight disgust at me through a puff of blonde hair.

I was disappointed. But then I recalled her telling me about her boyfriend. Ah well…

These are the sort of stories that make for a rich, if shallow, life. But tonight it was not to be. The Dalai Lama and Michio Kaku needed my love, or rather, I needed theirs.

In fact, as of late, I’ve been laying off the dating, and to a certain extent, the socializing. I’ve certainly not been looking for any new women in my life romantically. Most of my effort is going into building the social man, and I’m quite happy with the friends I have. But more significantly, I’ve run into a problem with dating.

There are lots of stunningly attractive girls here; I’ve dated a few of them, and one of them was my girlfriend for a stint. She was tyrannically beautiful; spending any amount of time looking into her eyes was a better way of kicking serotonin release into high gear than popping a tab of ecstasy. But the problem with every single really, really beautiful girl I’ve known is…

well, where to start?

Ok, it is unfair to generalize. But to generalize (just because its unfair doesn’t mean it is off limits), a woman to whom much of the world is handed on a silver platter tends to become jaded. She may find it hard to appreciate the simple joy of consistency when something hot and new and exciting is there to tempt her the moment consistency becomes boredom, and boredom becomes intrigue.

Still, who doesn’t want to date a really beautiful girl?

Well, for starters a man who wants a greater chance of meeting a girl who is a solid long-term partner. For many reasons, most of all because they do not have instant access to all of life’s temptations, the girls who you wouldn’t call beauty queens are generally more reliable, more loyal, and more likely to be good girlfriend material. Generally.

So, much like partying versus reading, we have a classic opportunity cost problem here. And, in speaking with a client today about this exact issue in his life, I thought of a metaphor that was useful in guiding him toward an answer.

Here we have a chart of the five year positions of three stocks – Nvidia, Broadcom, and Berkshire Hathaway. Nvidia makes graphics chips (and its growth funded much of my racing habit back in 2003), Broadcom makes networking chips, and Berkshire Hathaway owns such standbys as Gillette and Dairy Queen.

Nvidia is the hot tech stock with solid fundamentals, but a challenging market. Its like the hot girl with good values who lives in, and occasionally falls victim to the land of temptation.

Broadcom is the formerly hot tech stock with decent fundamentals. Its like the beauty queen who gained fifty pounds after high school.

Then you have steady, reliable Berkshire Hathaway. You know your money is safe there and you know you’re getting your dividend every year. At this point, the metaphor should be pretty clear.

So the question is, what is your tolerance for risk? Unlike the stock market, you can’t diversify in women (unless you’re a sheik, a certain kind of Mormon or sleazy). Some people are just more risk-tolerant. In fact, they might downright like the ride, the bumps and the grand adventure of it all. Others are more risk averse, deriving their happiness in the knowledge that their positions are safe and stable.

Of course, there is one other kind of stock. The hot tech stock with the solid fundamentals in a can’t-lose market position…

But how many Googles are there out there?

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The Absurdity of Scenes

July 18, 2008

Balls. For reasons we won’t get into here, I missed my flight to London, which not only means missing a bootcamp, but also means missing visiting several good friends there, then Monday, Tues and Weds night in Ibiza, which features a Tiesto, Sinclar, Morillo lineup (I can’t help it, I love house music) and the following weekend in Amsterdam. The only consolations are a.) my friend Pam has acquired tickets to an IMAX presentation of The Dark Knight on Sunday, and b.) I can focus on backoffice and infrastructure work for the next week.

This morning, a friend of mine turned me on to a blog he thought I’d enjoy called Good Night Mr. Lewis. Run by NYC nightlife impresario Steve Lewis, it features interviews and musings about, well, the NYC nightlife. If you ever wanted to know anything about the “high end” scene in New York, the site is great. From here, I discovered blogs such as Miss Model Behavior (fantastic – this girl is a charming writer), Guest of a Guest (self-impressed) and Down By the Hipster (also self-impressed, but they do give a shout out to Andrew W.K.).

Ever since I re-entered the “pickup community” last year with Master the Vibe (which, to be crystal clear, I’m no longer doing), the community people I’ve met have been impressed with my lifestyle here in NYC. Juggler once wrote that I was dating a girl who was so pretty that she scared him, sometime last year I acquired a reputation as a guy who only dates “10’s”, and there seems to be a perception that I spend my weeks partying with models and bottles. This is not only ridiculous, but untrue. Lauren was only imposing when she wore black miniskirts and more jewelry than Chingy. To the second point, I’ve dated some hotties, but also lots of girls who no one would consider “10’s”. And finally, I go out to two clubs regularly – Marquee on Tuesdays and Kiss and Fly on Fridays (David recently chronicled our adventures there). Judging by the standards of the NYC blogging consortia, I could probably be going to cooler places.

Now what’s funny about the NYC nightlife scene is how closely it parallels two other scenes I know decently. One is, of course, the pickup community (and as I write that, imagine a Sideshow Bob-esque groan going up my spine). The other is the punk rock scene, back from my years in high school, which is also rake-in-the-face-worthy (especially if it is the rake’s business end).

And more than any other scene to which I’ve ever born witness, the NYC nightlife scene is A-D-D-I-C-T-I-V-E. When I first arrived here, I was pulled in through some B-list promoters and felt like a baller, surrounded by attractive young women and dancing to music by some guy named DJ AM, who I later learned was famous and therefore, important.

Fair enough. There’s a reason that some people are popular and important. But the problem with scenes – any scene – is when the metadata confuses us and prevents us from accessing the real data. Check it out:

In the NYC club scene, the thing that brings most people in is that it feels fucking good to dance and get drunk around beautiful people. Back in high school, I enjoyed punk rock music for the music itself, too. And in the pickup community, you have information and instruction about how to become better with women. That’s the data.

All the commentary, posturing, social positioning, etc… that’s the metadata. The stuff that surrounds the core goodness. It is where identities and egos come together, form opinions, clash, comment, and obsess. Scene values are created out of thin air by people with strong opinions and personalities. And there’s surely entertainment value in following along with drama, trends, and the comings and goings of the scene’s elite.

But more insidiously, when we feel like we may be on our way “up” the social ladder in a scene, we’ll start to compromise our own values for those of the scene. To use a very concrete example, as I began to get pulled into the club scene, I found myself distancing myself from a solid, fantastic longtime friend who didn’t quite fit in. Lord knows I see guys doing this day in and day out in the pickup community.

Commanding a scene takes a lot of work. I see promoters in NYC battling over who does better parties and has better models, and man do these guys hustle; he who commands the scene also yields incredible social power. It is work to go out every night, make the rounds, see and be seen, and fit in. But when you can tell a girl that you can get into an exclusive spot like 1Oak any night of the week, its impressive.

ONLY, however, if both you and the girl hold that at high value. I remember when I used to go to girls and tell them about the party I was going to that night, and they’d try to match it and tell me about which party they were going to. It almost never helped bring me closer to the girl – I was a loser if my club wasn’t as exclusive as theirs, and I was an asshole if it was better. These days, when a girl throws her connections in my face, I cut to a new conversation thread. If she’s too hung up on her scene, she’s probably not a good fit for me anyway.

As this relates to the pickup community, it gets even worse. What is the value of being a “somebody” in the community? Presumably, you can make some cash off your good name. I have a friend who took a bootcamp recently with one of the top five puas in the world (again, ridiculous and arbitrary, and I won’t say which one) and it was total rubbish. Beyond being able to cash in… what’s the value? Being admired by some other guys on the Internet because you hook up with hot-ish girls?

Ultimately, its all kind of absurd. Scene obsession is great for the ego but bad for the, er… soul? Something like that. It doesn’t make us into better people. Understanding and playing with the social strata can be fun – like a little science experiment – as long as we’re not getting corrupted by it.

I try to keep my goals in mind, no matter where I am: have fun, surround myself with chill and authentic people, and give love wherever I can. Anytime I find myself working too hard to be a part of something with no real value to me, I have to stop and ask why. And wow, did it take a lot of jolts to the ego to get to this point.

But then you meet some great people who make it all worthwhile. And you have to give love where it is due. There are some gems out there…

And hey – fucked up as the club scene, the pickup community, and the punk rock scene are, they’re nothing compared to the grand daddy of all absurdity: the hip hop community. Tupac v. Biggie, Nas v. Jay-Z, Cam’ron v. the guy who shot him who he won’t snitch on…

I’m just hoping that none of my haters show up at my door with guns or, perhaps worse for a guy who supposedly dates “10’s”: fat chicks.

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From Shy to Extrovert

July 15, 2008

A big part of being good at meeting women is *enjoying* the act of meeting women.  Because let’s face it, if you’re not enjoying the act of talking with a woman – whether you’re nervous, annoyed, tired, whatever – she’s going to notice. Your mood and attitude is going to rub off, and she’s not going to feel good.  And making a woman feel bad is exactly the wrong way to meet her.

So this gets into a concept that is popular these days called “self-amusement”.  One guru, for whom I generally have a lot of respect, advocates that you go out and just self-amuse.

But what does this really mean?

For me, it means that I’m literally enjoying the act of talking.  As I think of words and as I speak them, it feels good.  I’ve recently taken to spouting off British catch-phrases I learn from my flatmate (er… housemate) because I get a kick out of saying them.  Like, it is *verbal play*.

In fact, every man I’ve seen who is good at meeting women enjoys speaking, and does it a lot in a way that amuses them.  Stephen Nash talks like a poet from time to time.  Nick Sparks loves to play with sexual innuendo.  Asian Rake David tells stories about his travels.

The point is that we simply like to talk.  To women, to men, whatever.  We’ve figured out ways to do it that make it FUN for us to go out and socialize.

Of course, this has to be calibrated.  A Social Man knows to lower the push/pull when he goes out to dinner with a mixed group of lawyers and bankers.  Some pickup guys I’ve met become so enamored with their own personalities, and ability to provoke reactions in people, that they can’t turn it down when the social setting calls for it.  Others clam up entirely – I know two VERY well respected guys in the pickup community who every single one of my friends thought were losers because they couldn’t have a conversation if they weren’t in a bar or on the center of a stage.

And why is that?  Well, some guys just don’t like the act of socializing unless it is having an effect on people. And deep down, people can ALWAYS tell if you are saying something to have an effect, or because you truly enjoy saying it.

So to me, self-amusement is speaking in a way and about things that you truly enjoy.  If it means affecting dramatic pause or a british accent, try it out.  I think you’ll find that the more playful you are, the more you enjoy speaking.

Now there’s a second part to this, to which I alluded already.  Being a good Social Man means being calibrated. I know of a person with Tourettes – that’s the mental affliction where you swear involuntarily – who says that when he swears, its like an itch that he has to scratch. He literally gets a “mental itch”, and the only way he can scratch it is to say some words that, even given the adult theme of this blog, are not suitable for reprinting. Needless to say, even though he is “self-amusing” in the sense of making himself feel good, the words coming out of his mouth don’t make others feel good.

So what is good game, then?  Well, it is when other people are as amused by you as you are by yourself.  When they feel good about you talking, and you feel good about talking, that’s attractive.

And it all comes from a place of genuinely enjoying what you’re talking about, and the act of talking itself.

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Inside the Mind of a Hot, Insecure Girl

July 9, 2008

Have you ever been played hard by a girl…? Today, let’s take a journey into the mind of a hot but deeply insecure girl to see what’s going on and how she games the men in her life.

The hot girl in question is a composite of three girls I’ve known, and we’ll call her Sarah. Every girl has a little bit of Sarah in them – this composite we’re drawing is simply the most extreme iteration of it. Here’s the backstory, taken from my experiences with the three girls.

Sarah is a smart girl – far more intelligent than she initially appears. She plays the role of ditzy little girl with aplomb, and half of my friends still refuse to believe that her IQ could possibly break the triple digit barrier. But when it comes to men, she knows exactly what she’s doing. I’ve seen her destroy several guys (myself included), and I watch her keeping a steady flow of prospects in the pipeline. The guys she dates are good looking, successful, and usually, they fall hard.

I believe that deep down Sarah is also a good girl who wants to find a deeper happiness than her life today gives her, but as it stands, I’d hate for one of my friends to get caught up with a girl like her. And should you ever find yourself in a situation with a Sarah of your own, its only fair that you understand exactly what’s going on. Personally, I’ve dated two girls like her before, and was in a wickedly hurtful relationship with one of them. Let’s see if we can get into Sarah’s head.

The first thing you have to know about her existence is that it is fairly shallow. Moment to moment, she seeks constant emotional and physical stimulation in the form of drugs, sex, cigarettes, text flirting with guys, etc. And unlike most of us, she’s able to get away with this because, well, she’s a hot girl in New York City who knows how to play the game.

Sarah also likes to party. She’s out two to four nights a weeks, sometimes hitting multiple clubs at once, and she’s always at the best and hottest new club. Promoters love her because she rarely brings guys along, and has a great personality; fun, ditzy, playful, giggly – everything you want in a girl when you’re out at a club.

But when she meets a guy in whom she’s interested, her demeanor changes instantly. First, her voice softens up to something akin to a baby’s cooing and her eyes become doe-like. The innocence comes across as capitulation, and flips a big switch in a man – his desire to take care of a woman.

But she also knows how to turn on the sexy… with a narrowing of the eyes, a crossing of the legs, a little bite of the lip – and she’s attractive enough that few men are going to turn her down. I’ve watched her do it to four randoms in clubs, as well as a friend of mine just to prove to me that she could.

This 1-2-3 combo results in paralyzing crushes. Fun wild social girl to fawning little bunny to sexual mistress.

She goes after bankers and traders whenever possible. It is important for her ego that the men she’s dating have certain qualifications.

And as she starts dating a man, she’s full of push-pull. One morning she’s in his kitchen, wearing his oxford shirt and cooking breakfast for him. She tells him she’ll see him later that night, then flakes out and heads to Kiss and Fly with me where we’ll dance the night away.

The guy starts texting her… “Baby, where are you?” The next morning, she meekly apologizes, shows up for sex, and pulls the guy deeper into thinking that if he tries just a *little* bit harder, she’ll change for him.

And this is the genius – mad or otherwise – in how she handles a man. She is incredibly compliant and giving when she’s with him, to the point he thinks he “has her”. She is very emotional and “falls in love” quickly; temporary as it may be, the guy starts to believe it too. Her emotions are like a hurricane: as soon as they comes, they can also be gone.

And a guy wants to believe that he’s going to be the one who tames her, that she’ll be his domestic Debbie. Then, once she’s felt that the guy has invested enough into her (and critically, ONLY then) she’ll disappear.

And here’s the funny part – it works best on the guys with huge egos. The most successful, the best-looking, the ones who eat women for breakfast. She’s sexy enough that she can make them work hard to get her – fancy meals, tables and bottles, whatever she wants, really – and once they’ve invested enough and then “won”, it becomes part of their ego that they’re dating the girl who everyone else wants but who no one can have. The moment she pulls away, that massive ego begins to lurch. I’ve watch guys cancel travel plans, leave work early, and go into debt trying to pull this girl back into their world.

Does this lead to good relationships? Absolutely not. It results in fights, guys showing up at her house (and mine) yelling in the street for her, and lots of bad feelings. But it works for her for two reasons.

First, all the drama is essentially emotional stimulation. Whether she’s feeling really good and excited about a guy, or whether he’s blowing up her berry with pleas and grievances, it is making her life interesting.

Secondly, while she is an intelligent girl, she has some *very* deep issues. Insecurities she’s not comfortable sharing with a guy with whom she’s romantically involved. She knows (instinctively) that if she truly opens herself up in that way, she’s putting herself in a position to be hurt. And she’s so insecure about who she really is that she’s just not going to let a guy who’s fucking her have that kind of power over her.

What’s the lesson here for us guys?

Well, most importantly, do your homework and follow your instincts. A key concept in attraction is investment: the more you invest in something, the more of an emotional attachment you develop for it. And falling in love with Sarah is kind of like buying stock in a promising but volatile tech company – if it is a hot thing that is poised to take off and generate massive returns, you might get emotionally invested, and fail to get out when you should. Every now the company puts out a press release with incredibly good news, but since you’ve never met the management team, you don’t know if its accurate. And believe me, if a man is dealing with Sarah on a superficial or ego basis, he definitely hasn’t met management.

Perhaps you stated dating a girl and had people who knew her tell you to “watch out for her,” but you’ve defended her and said “no, I know her in a way that other people don’t,” or something else like that. Well, management is hidden away in the board room and letting the PR and customer service people do the talking, and you bought into the lines they’re feeding you.

What else? Don’t let your ego get caught up in determining whether she’d be a good girl for you. It is not your job to be her Dad, brother or burly protector. Sarah has great people in her life who are looking out for her, and just because you’re fucking her doesn’t mean its your responsibility to save her. Yes, if she sees your interest waning, she’ll work hard to get it back. But if you’re getting any signs that your girl is half-heartedly committed, that her insecurities and/or abilities with men are driving her to seek constant stimulation, then you just have to keep your eyes open. One day, when she’s had enough partying, she’ll find a solid man and latch on tight, and there will be no doubt in his mind (or hers) that she’s in it to win it. But until then, if there’s smoke, there’s probably fire.

The things that drive Sarah are present in everyone’s head. When you’re looking for a girlfriend, its important to be able to see her for who she really is. I’ve been in relationships with girls who I thought were loving, honest people. Something went wrong, then all of a sudden I’m seeing parts of Sarah come out. The girl is pushing me, pulling me, and I’m telling myself “wait, this isn’t who she is! She’s the girl I was dating a few months ago… I just need to bring that back out of her.” Problem is, because her perception of me and the role that I play in her life changed, the person who she is when she’s dating me changed too.

Lessons learned. And hey – if you know yourself and who you are, you know what you’ll accept, what you won’t, and you’ll be able to give yourself fully and in love when the right girl comes along.

Posted by Christian | Filed Under Women And The World | Comments 

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